I’m having anticipatory grief. Our plan is to move this spring. I’ve lived in Cincinnati for over 30 years and I really do like living in the city. I’ve realized there are a few things I am really, really going to miss:
- Seeing S & L grow up. I’ve not been great at being a godmother. In general, I don’t have any good “mom skills” as I never really had desire nor need to develop them. But I had hoped being godmother to S would help me develop some good “aunt skills” and maybe impact someone young as they grew up. Knowing we will continue to drift apart (distance) is heartbreaking.
- Our neighbor L. She is one of the kindest people I have ever known. I’ve worried about taking advantage of her – she watches over our house when we snow-bird in Florida and it is always “no problem” for whatever I ask her to help with. I doubt we will ever have as great a neighbor as her.
- While it’s a bit silly, I’m going to miss the Cincinnati food scene. I know the range of restaurants in this town, the players (chefs), and the specialty shops. I love trying the new places and have a few favorites. I’m going to miss our foodie group, which is really just connected on proximity and food of course. I’m going to miss having an insider’s knowledge of the food scene and wonder if I’ll ever get one in our new location.
- Even though a lot of things shifted with the pandemic, I am going to miss the wine dates and walk & talks with various girlfriends. Similar to how friendships shifted when I stopped work with many just fizzling out, I do expect some of these friendships to fizzle away as they are based on proximity. I know I will miss them – will them miss me?
- There are other routines I will miss. I’ve already seen my few volunteer activities fizzle away with the pandemic and then more so as I anticipated our move. I didn’t renew our season tickets to the Playhouse, which was another hard moment. We were 30-year subscribers there and going to live theater is on of my favorite things to do. The sadness is harder perhaps than just the pandemic impact, as I know they won’t be back ever. Yes, I have post-pandemic plans in our new location, but it’s sad to see so many of things I love to do go away
It’s an interesting phenomenon – this anticipatory grief. I know, having gone through retirement transition, what to expect from relationship and routine changes. I didn’t have anticipatory grief when I retired, because I wasn’t aware of things I would miss! Now I know – some things will change immediately, some will just fizzle away. But things will change.
Did you see things (relationships, routines) fizzle away with your retirement?
Picture Credit: an inspiring rock I was given at the local Garden Club – very appropriate!
retirementtransition 
My biggest fizzle upon retirement was the loss of relationships. Most of my friends were teachers. I retired and they didn’t and a huge space grew between us. And I missed the kids, my students so much.
But I have happily settled into retirement now. It has taken some time but I don’t feel the need or interest in working. Was called to sub for 20 days and turned it down!! Thanks to Covid, I learned to entertain myself and really have enjoyed all the projects I have toyed with.
I am certain once you are completely settled in Florida and not going back and forth between homes, you will find replacements for the Cincinnati food scene, your gaggle of girlfriends, volunteering opportunities. This is going to be good!!
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I’m also really happy that our move will coincide with opening up post-pandemic. So I will be able to explore the food scene, makes plans to create stronger friendships, and look into volunteer opportunities. I’m getting my first vaccine dose tomorrow – so very excited!
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I think one of the reasons I dragged my feet about retiring to Florida (my husband has had the dream for decades) was I knew I would miss certain routines, familiarities, and relationships.
Pre-Covid, I was going to the library 1-2 times a week. I knew the librarians, I knew the resources, I had my favorite seat.
Pre-Covid, we had a few “couple friends” who enjoyed going out to eat as much as we do. We would typically try a new restaurant (or a favorite) once a week.
Pre-Covid, I had a few girlfriends (mostly from school) who would meet regularly for Happy Hour. Over a couple of glasses of Chardonnay, we would catch up on life and reminiscence about old times.
Pre-Covid, I was a part of a weekly Bible study. While we did not do “friend” things outside of the group, these ladies were rock during turbulent times.
But Covid changed all of that. And I realized I could do what I’m doing anywhere. FaceTime is a way to stay in touch. And new experiences are waiting for me.
Having said all that, Pat… I’m sure once our time to pack approaches, I will also share in these anticipatory griefs. And I will for sure return to this post to help me realize I am not alone.
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Molly, It was helpful to share this post and I am thinking about creating one about what I am going to love to balance. Because there is a lot to look forward to! But I do feel it’s good to recognize the losses.
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Change can be hard but I know that you will soon be immersed into your new home and all the things Florida has to offer. The nice thing about having some regrets about what your leaving is knowing what to look for where you go. I’m sure there are foodie groups, book clubs, exercise groups, etc. that you can join… or start if you want to. The great thing about social media is that there are so many avenues to reach out (including bloggers who live close by). I have no doubt that soon you’ll be writing about all the great things you’ve discovered because you now live in Florida full time.
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I had a career in which I moved around quite a bit, and in general I liked all the places that I called home. The longest stretch was Washington, DC (20 years) and the shortest was only 10 months (Portland). The only anxieties I ever had were mostly financial in nature; they were never logical, really, but I spent many sleepless nights worried about it all. Since retiring, the main surprise has been my friends. I thought we’d all keep in touch much more than we have, but that’s not been the case. The message obviously is to find new ones, so locally that’s been my objective (post-pandemic at this point). Good luck with the move! – Marty
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Pat, please know you will be missed! I will miss you. The walks, the foodies, the cooking classes and all the other things you were the leader in getting me to do. I will miss our conversations – intelligent and interesting.
Change is hard but also exciting. You will have all new things, including new friends, to explore.
For me, retiring was pretty easy as I kept most of my friends and had already begun lots of activities that I loved. Covid sure changed that but hopefully I will regenerate as things open up. But……..moving, even just across the river, has been really hard from a friends standpoint. My gal pals got together often very close to home and laughed, ALOT! We still see each other but not like that any more because we have to drive home so – careful on the drinks and leave early do to the longer drive. I am struggling with this part of the move. I’m hoping that after Covid junk is over and things open up I might be able to cultivate some acquaintances into close friends.
Change is hard but thrilling! I know you’re going to do fabulously!
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Candyse, Thank you for saying I will be missed… sometimes (down days and this week’s been a series of them) I do wonder. And yes, the (intelligent & interesting) conversations with you specifically are definitely on my “will be missed” list! I know things change (as you know as well) and I do think I’ll settle in … but it’s been tough with the pandemic not allowing me to build connections here in Florida…more so than Ohio where connections could shift to Zoom more easily. I read this morning a post about acknowledging the endings (completions, closure) helps allow for the beginnings. I think this post is part of that for me.
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I can’t help but ask, given al this, why are you moving? Seems like downsizing to a condo in the same neighborhood of some such would be a good alternative!
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Rob, I know this post doesn’t reflect it, but there are many things about the move that are great. I learned, with spending time in Florida, that I live healthier there – move more, eat better, more time outdoors. And it’s one of my husband’s few retirement dreams. It’s not the downsizing, it’s the lifestyle. I do need to acknowledge the things going away… and yeah, I’ve been encouraged to write a “things I will love abut the move” post too.
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I don’t do well with change. But retirement didn’t even seem like a change. I was more than ready. I have maintained the relationships that really matter although COVID has altered that. I hope to get back to our breakfasts, lunches and dinners when this is all over. Moving far away would not be easy. I’m not a joiner so I would struggle to meet people. My hobbies could help with that but they don’t really do that now so maybe that’s unrealistic. I know you’ll find what you need in Florida. Some things will likely even be better!!
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Thank you. I know things will be good in Florida – I’ve already thought about writing a post about anticipatory joy… which I’m not sure is really a thing, but there are things I am looking forward to. Of course, some of it will also require the pandemic to be history!
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But I think the anticipatory grief helps you adjust better after you move. At least, that’s what we experienced. Good luck!
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Tom, thanks for that insight and I do hope so. Acknowledging the losses I think helps in closure and new beginnings. Maybe another post will be about the things I love about our move!
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Absolutely! Things changed a lot when I retired, especially the friend part (which I didn’t expect.) But new friends and routines came about. Moving is very stressful, for sure, but it sounds like you are doing all the right mental and practical things to prepare.Good luck!
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Tracey, One of my “goals” in my blog is to share the work of transition, like the mental things of acknowledging loss. Why is it no-one really tells you about the things you lose when you retire? Or do they and we just don’t want to hear it? Now I know this transition will have similar losses and I will be more prepared to deal with them.
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You are quite correct to identify the grief involved when moving. A few years ago we left our home of 26 years to move to a smaller community nearer to our son and his family and nearer to our lake cottage. We considered the move for several months before finalizing the decision. I remember the last few weeks as a time when I was overwhelmed with mixed feelings — dread, loss, and sadness coupled with anticipation and excitement about the changes we were making. My advice is to feel the feelings, understand the grief and loss, and move forward with your plans. You may never have a neighbour so kind as the one you’ve had, but you will experience other types of kindness. Friends that fall away will be replaced with new friends. Life never lets you stand still. Even if you didn’t move, there would be changes!
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Thank you so much for your encouraging words! I’m sure this next couple of months will be a sadness and excitement roller-coaster as we finalize it all. I read this morning another post about acknowledging completion – closure often has a bad connotation, but I do believe that acknowledging the loss is helpful. And yes, there would be changes in life even without a move. The move is bringing a lot of positive too… I’m thinking I need a follow-up post about that!
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Sounds like you are taking very healthy steps. It is appropriate to greave what you are leaving. Spelling it out is probably very helpful as you work through your grief. It is difficult to create new friendships as we age so it is helpful to be aware, cut yourself slack for the slowness of the process, but actively work to find friendships. I wish you well.
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Thank you for recognizing my need to grieve and acknowledge the losses. I am actively working on building those friendships already – joining Garden Club is one step of that. Plus I got a cool rock!
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Hi Pat – change is always hard isn’t it? Whether it’s retirement or moving or whatever it still means there’s loss that comes along with the gains. We’ve lived in our area for 30+ years and I know I’d be hard pressed to move – even if it gave me the benefit of being closer to our kids or grandgirls. I just love my neighbours and the slower pace of non-city living and the proximity of everything. I’m sure you’ll gradually replace your losses with new people and activities, but I also think it’s okay to mourn the passing of a long and happy phase of life.
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Leanne, I read this morning a post about closure. Recognizing when things are changing/ending is important step of moving on. That helped! As well as there are any things I will love about our new place, too. Maybe I need a post about what I will love when we move!
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