I’ve been reading again on friendship at this stage of life. My plan upon moving back into our home is to “start as I mean to go on,” creating the small habits and putting my energy in places so I am living the life I want to live. Part of this means I am thinking (again) about Intentional Connections. Why? It is somewhat due to the loss of neighborhood friends, somewhat a realization that some people in my life are not really friends, and somewhat a kick-start on creating closer connections that I consistently hope to have in my life. A focus on Intentional Connections has been part of my plan since early retirement, and I think will always be on it.
From my reading on connections and friendship, I’ve come to the realization that the best friendships are the ones that allow you to be yourself. While that sounds obvious, it was interesting to look at it more closely. It’s the friends you do not have to bring a smile to when things are rough. The ones you don’t have to respond, “Things are fine, I am fine” when you really are not fine.The ones that give you grace when you are struggling to get through or made a mistake or say something badly/wrong.The friends you can bring your whole messy self, not put on a mask, pretend to be something you are not, or hide something you are. The ones where you know you have worth, even when you’re not the doer, the designated planner, the social coordinator, or the political activist.
And this made me think, how many of my “friendships” right now allow me to truly be myself, without pretense. Where I can say, “I’ve never done that and probably never will” without feeling less than. Where I can make a blunder statement and they shrug it off. Where I can acknowledge I’m having a hard time dealing with things, and just get a supportive, “I’m here if you need me.” And the answer to that was a surprisingly, not many of those who might say we are friends.
As I read about friendship, it also made me wonder, do I overshare some things with everybody (like in my blog) and therefore don’t create a true intimacy of sharing with the few who will really know the true me.
There was also this: the best friendships are also the ones who also reach out to you. They are reciprocal; you are not the only one trying to make the connection. They check in just because they miss you. They plan an activity, a call, a connection. For many years, I’ve told myself it’s OK that I’m the one who plans things, the one who reaches out. And I’m coming to realize that I do need some reciprocity in my friendships. I think about those that I’ve lost connection with because the connection only survived as long as I was the one reaching out, making the effort to connect. Why am I feeling guilty for those lost connections?
I’ve come to the realization there are a few people in my life that really are not friends. They consistently leave me feeling drained or undervalued. They frame their criticism as help, but it feels more like an attack on my judgment and self-worth. One’s response to me telling them I was hurt by their actions and words was, “I’m sorry you feel that way, you’re just too sensitive.” Another’s response when I tried to communicate how devastated I was by the hurricane was, “Everybody has problems and loss. Who are you to think your pain/grief is anything special? Move on already. Get over it.”
I’ve also come to the realization that plenty of people know my name, but very few truly know me. I show up. I help. I plan. I hold things together. But I often put on a mask. People know I’m dependable, the one who pitches in and helps makes things happen. But I don’t think many know the real me. [A few, yes. And probably because they are also readers of my blog!]
I need to detach from some people and lean into a few others. I will ask myself, do I look forward to seeing this person, or do I consider it a chore? I will also work on how to not feel guilty for the detachment, distancing, or complete break of some connections. With those whom I’m leaning in on, am I being my whole, true self and am I being a real friend to them? Genuine friends are the ones who reach out regularly, show up, send the cards, and remember the important things.
Moving forward with the “start as I mean to go on”, I will still be the designated planner on things I enjoy – an evening of dinner and the theater, a gathering for shuffleboard. But I will also recognize that these are not necessarily the few I want to put energy into connecting more closely. And so, my intention is to focus my energy and just be (truly) me with a few.
Are you your true self with many? Do you have people in your life that not really friends?
P.S. House update – finishing work continues: floor tile complete, bathroom tile complete, exterior doors almost complete (header picture is front door!); working on interior door and window trim, baseboards, electric devices (switches and outlets), and utilities connection to house. This next week, kitchen cabinets. There have been multiple crews at the house every day!
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omgosh Pat, those two examples of responses from so-called ‘friends’ are horrible! Those people ARE NOT your friends 😠 I don’t think I have any friends I feel I can truly be myself but I think that’s mostly my fault cuz I hold back a lot of my thoughts and feelings for fear people will think less of me. It’s a catch 22.
The new door is beautiful!!!
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Love the front door!!!! I hope that you can begin to find excitement about getting close to moving into your new house. It’s taken so long and been such a struggle that I fear it might be anticlimactic. Here’s to getting excited!
Now, about your post. Friendship is hard. True friendship is even harder. And you know, as I’m trying to write this I don’t even really know what to say. Are there true friends? Does anybody really know anybody? I find that I have a lot of acquaintances but really no true friends. And I know that’s on me. I’m not a very good friend. I’m an extroverted introvert and don’t really show my true self or really show up for friends. So, I’m OK with no true friends – sort of…
I hope you find those special connections. You are a great friend to have. Many should be honored to have someone as their friend. I hope you find them.
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Candyse, I truly believe that if I had not moved, we would have become closer friends. I felt connected to you soul-wise, but distance is a tough thing. I would have kept reaching out until you reciprocated, and you would have — you had us stay with you that first trip back to Cinci… that’s a huge reach out reciprocity. I’ve been looking for my local Candyse replacement for 5 years. 🙂
And yes, getting excited. Anxious as well. There is still so much to get done in 3-4 weeks! I do know we will be “in” but definitely not settled. It’s hard to unpack when there are no bookcases, shelving units, or even closet organizers. But there will be a bed and a mattress (still to be purchased!) and I’ll be out of this apartment and seeing my morning sunrise and evening sunset.
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I’ve never had a ton of friends. My mother always told me no one would like me (because I was smart and had an extended vocabulary) so I would put up with less than stellar treatment because I didn’t think I deserved better. Even though she was wrong, it took a long time to discard that idea in my head. Now in my 60s, I’m only focusing on people who will reciprocate and who really see and appreciate me, even if that means I’m alone more than I want to be. I still feel a little guilty though when I purposely put distance between someone and me.
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Chris, I love people who are smart with a great vocabulary! I’m so sorry you were told that no one would like those traits… it’s so not true. I have said in the past, both “I cannot work with incompetence” and “I’m a word girl”. Smart, wordy people are my people.
I am learning to not settle for no reciprocity in a friendship. What my mom always told me was, if you see something that needs to be done, don’t wait for someone else to do it. And so I became the one who always reached out, the one who did the planning, the one who volunteered for the activity. Hard messages to unlearn, those repeated mother messages.
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This definitely got me thinking, Pat! I’ve got a few friends where I put up with it being one side, a couple friends I’m always chasing down, but many where I can show up truthfully and it’s reciprocated. Pretty interesting. Life is a trip, thanks for your post.
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Hey Dwight! Thanks for commenting. I realized in this latest dive into thinking about friendship how often I still keep on a mask and am not my true self. It’s so great you have friends where you can be your true self and its reciprocated. And yes, I did recently let go of a few one-sided relationships and am grieving the loss. But I’m hoping it’s opening space for something new.
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Great news about the house. The finish line is definitely in sight even if there should be a delay here or there.
As to friendships I am blessed with many deep ones. It has just happened over the years but I have also been ghosted by one very long term friend and several others fail to reach out unless I do and I have decided if it works I will and if it doesn’t I don’t. I think you are your true self here.
I wrote a blog post years ago called “White Picket Fence” and it was about the masks that many of us wear and how it can affect our mental health. But perspective is also important as looking in someone else’s window will never give you the full picture.
Have a great week. Bernie
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Bernie, I think part of this recent friendship exploration was realizing how often I still wear a mask with people. These days, many times I have to hide my liberalism to maintain the peace. But that’s with acquaintances and neighbors, not friends. I definitely hide my naiveté, especially in referencing my early years where I was very sheltered in life. I also tend to hide my spiritual exploration side from most. I’ve dabbled into that a few times on the blog, mentioned it once or twice to an IRL friend. Now I’m wondering how all that masking is affecting my mental health! I’m always a bit envious of people who have those deep long term friendships. The other day in my yoga class, the meditation had this line, “Don’t go looking – to have a friend, be a friend” and it really struck me. (Yes, there is usually a short reading coming out of the shavasana in that class.). So, that’s going to be my focus going forward. Being a better (unmasked) friend to a couple of IRL people I want to get better connected with.
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Wow, what a gorgeous front door. A beautiful home is coming.
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I am very excited … it’s been a long journey. We still hope to be in by end October. In, but not settled as that will take longer. Maybe you’ll hear the Hallelujah shout all the way up north!
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Hi Pat – firstly let me say that I am SO excited to see your house coming together after all the delays and you must be loving going in and seeing the progress – and that it’s beginning to look pretty.
Secondly, I’ve reached a lot of those same conclusions about friends too. I have a few who I’m myself with and I used to have a lot of more casual friendships – but they were the ones where I did most of the work, and I just couldn’t be bothered with it anymore. I slowly cut ties and I haven’t really missed them and they don’t seem to have missed me. There’s also a few who I randomly catch up with and those are more energy draining than filling, but I’ll keep showing up if they do. I’m learning to invest my emotional energy where it feels right and letting the rest drift away.
I hope you find a couple of close connections – I think we need less friends at this stage of life, but we do need a couple of good ones so our husbands don’t have to take all the “load”. 🙂
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Leanne, You’ve been saying for years that you need that reciprocity in a friendship; it’s taken me longer to get there. I have not yet finished grieving for those lost connections. I did get something from them (validation? connection to my past?), but lately it just feels like too much work. Going forward, I’m going to try to focus on a couple IRL connections to see if I can grow those stronger. I will see!
And yes, seeing the house starting to come together is very exciting. Still so much to get done but my builder swears we will be in by end of October. In, but definitely not settled. Even that will feel wonderful – my morning view back, evening sunsets (new!).
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