A Reflection on Friendship – Just Be You

I’ve been reading again on friendship at this stage of life. My plan upon moving back into our home is to “start as I mean to go on,” creating the small habits and putting my energy in places so I am living the life I want to live. Part of this means I am thinking (again) about Intentional Connections. Why? It is somewhat due to the loss of neighborhood friends, somewhat a realization that some people in my life are not really friends, and somewhat a kick-start on creating closer connections that I consistently hope to have in my life.  A focus on Intentional Connections has been part of my plan since early retirement, and I think will always be on it.

From my reading on connections and friendship, I’ve come to the realization that the best friendships are the ones that allow you to be yourself. While that sounds obvious, it was interesting to look at it more closely. It’s the friends you do not have to bring a smile to when things are rough. The ones you don’t have to respond, “Things are fine, I am fine” when you really are not fine.The ones that give you grace when you are struggling to get through or made a mistake or say something badly/wrong.The friends you can bring your whole messy self, not put on a mask, pretend to be something you are not, or hide something you are. The ones where you know you have worth, even when you’re not the doer, the designated planner, the social coordinator, or the political activist. 

And this made me think, how many of my “friendships” right now allow me to truly be myself, without pretense. Where I can say, “I’ve never done that and probably never will” without feeling less than. Where I can make a blunder statement and they shrug it off. Where I can acknowledge I’m having a hard time dealing with things, and just get a supportive, “I’m here if you need me.” And the answer to that was a surprisingly, not many of those who might say we are friends.

As I read about friendship, it also made me wonder, do I overshare some things with everybody (like in my blog) and therefore don’t create a true intimacy of sharing with the few who will really know the true me.

There was also this: the best friendships are also the ones who also reach out to you. They are reciprocal; you are not the only one trying to make the connection. They check in just because they miss you. They plan an activity, a call, a connection. For many years, I’ve told myself it’s OK that I’m the one who plans things, the one who reaches out. And I’m coming to realize that I do need some reciprocity in my friendships. I think about those that I’ve lost connection with because the connection only survived as long as I was the one reaching out, making the effort to connect. Why am I feeling guilty for those lost connections?

I’ve come to the realization there are a few people in my life that really are not friends. They consistently leave me feeling drained or undervalued. They frame their criticism as help, but it feels more like an attack on my judgment and self-worth.  One’s response to me telling them I was hurt by their actions and words was, “I’m sorry you feel that way, you’re just too sensitive.” Another’s response when I tried to communicate how devastated I was by the hurricane was, “Everybody has problems and loss. Who are you to think your pain/grief is anything special? Move on already. Get over it.”

I’ve also come to the realization that plenty of people know my name, but very few truly know me. I show up. I help. I plan. I hold things together. But I often put on a mask. People know I’m dependable, the one who pitches in and helps makes things happen. But I don’t think many know the real me. [A few, yes. And probably because they are also readers of my blog!]

I need to detach from some people and lean into a few others. I will ask myself, do I look forward to seeing this person, or do I consider it a chore? I will also work on how to not feel guilty for the detachment, distancing, or complete break of some connections. With those whom I’m leaning in on, am I being my whole, true self and am I being a real friend to them? Genuine friends are the ones who reach out regularly, show up, send the cards, and remember the important things.

Moving forward with the “start as I mean to go on”, I will still be the designated planner on things I enjoy – an evening of dinner and the theater, a gathering for shuffleboard. But I will also recognize that these are not necessarily the few I want to put energy into connecting more closely. And so, my intention is to focus my energy and just be (truly) me with a few.

Are you your true self with many?  Do you have people in your life that not really friends?

P.S. House update – finishing work continues: floor tile complete, bathroom tile complete, exterior doors almost complete (header picture is front door!); working on interior door and window trim, baseboards, electric devices (switches and outlets), and utilities connection to house. This next week, kitchen cabinets. There have been multiple crews at the house every day!

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