In all my emotional regulation understanding, my increasing resiliency exploration, and even the Buddhism meme’s I’ve been getting on my Facebook feed, there has been a consistent message of removing draining energy sources, whether it’s people, places, or activities. I’ve been struggling with a specific situation (person mostly, but in an organization and activity I enjoy) that is massively draining. Does the relationship I have with this person (and the organization) deserve repair, distance, or complete pull away? I’ve been leaning in, but do I now detach?
My journaling is one of my emotional regulation tools. As I look back on my journaling notes related to this situation, I see comments like:
- Just remove/eliminate the things that trigger you (and the people that drain you) again and again… or at least reduce/distance.
- To elevate your vibrational energy, choose who you associate with wisely
- “I will no longer stay in situations that drain me.” as a new affirmation?
- Just disconnect from the low (negative/toxic) vibrational energy, the people that constantly express distrust, resentment, blame, or are always knocking down others.
- There is no need to put effort into people or “friends” who consistently make you feel small/not good enough.
- You can control the people you surround yourself with (who you put in your orbit). Remove those who are toxic to your energy.
- Stop venting – every time you rant, you are not releasing the negative energy, you are reinforcing it. Stop reacting – this too feeds the negative energy! Your job is not to fix, not to control, not to even acknowledge it, if possible.
Then there was a whole message track in my journaling on a toxic individual: What do you do when there is a person who will never own their mistakes (everything is someone else’s fault, always placing blame), who calls you “too sensitive” (dismissing your concerns), who criticizes you for the exact traits they refuse to see in themselves (and you actually don’t have!), who twists stories and spreads (derogatory) hypotheses as facts, who takes credit for things that go right even if they had nothing to do with it, who critiques every single thing (nothing is ever good enough), and who finds reasons to justify their harmful actions and words. Wisdom is learning when to simply step back. Some people are meant to teach you what to walk away from!
EVERYTHING seems to be telling me to walk away…. to remove myself from this person where every interaction is hurtful or draining. But then, I think about the entire situation. All the others who engage in the organization’s activities and the value I am getting from being in the organization.
And so, I started to explore more about detachment. Detachment is about keeping another’s toxicity from affecting your sense of self. Transitioning from an emotional or personal connection to a strictly transactional one. It can be done with an individual and still remain in the organization. Some of the detachment approaches in this situation (detach from person, remain in organization) could include:
- Set firm boundaries on communication, reduce frequency of interactions with the individual, limit non-essential conversation, minimize participation in social events with the individual.
- Imagine a literal wall between you and the person. Ignore personal slights or emotional volatility. Accept their limitations, know you cannot change their behavior. Remind yourself that your worth is not tied to this person’s opinion. Let them be as they are.
- Emotionally distance yourself. Avoid sharing anything personal – they are an acquaintance, not a friend. Do not engage in conversations other than specific project related.
- Do not ever immediately respond to any message (text/email). Practice the “pause” method.
- Focus only on your specific job responsibilities, only performing required duties rather than going above and beyond; do the job without any extra effort or enthusiasm. Don’t volunteer to do anything; do a “quiet quitting” – step back, do less. Stop leaning-in!
- Build relationships with other supportive individuals in the organization who will celebrate the impact of your work.
I thought more about leaning-in versus detaching and wondered, is there a shift in the times? In two separate encounters this week, two leaders of volunteer organizations I belong to commented about how challenging it is to get people to engage in “running the show”. Of 75+ members in each organization, both had the same 10-15 who would do something to make something happen. The other members merely show up to the events. Both leaders struggled with getting member engagement, so the workload of organizing things could be reduced a bit for those 10-15. So many are detached; not enough people are leaning in.
While the “lean in” term was coined by Sheryl Sandberg in her 2013 book, I used the concept repeatedly in my career on mentoring others, and in my own actions. I used the metaphor, “I can get you invited to a seat at the table, but you need to make sure you bring something to that table. You can’t just sit there; you need to actively participate. Volunteer to do something and then exceed expectations. You engage; you deliver.” This approach was how I was raised – when you see something that needs to get done, you don’t wait for someone else to do it, you do it. This is how my career progressed – you volunteer for the extra projects, you take on mentoring, you put in 110% to exceed expectations. This is who I am today. (And yes, I am one of those lean-in 10-15 in each of those organizations).
But today, it is more about the “Let Them” theory, popularized by Mel Robbins.This mindset tool focuses on emotional detachment and relinquishing control over others’ actions, choices, or opinions. By adopting the “Let Them” mantra, individuals supposedly reduce personal stress, establish boundaries, and gain clarity on relationships, allowing people to show their true character, values, and priorities, which helps in deciding who to keep in your life and who to remove from your life. And with that individual detachment, you also get situation/activity detachment.
And so, I am conflicted. Perhaps detachment is the skill I need to learn at this stage of my life. But if everyone detaches, how will these organizations survive, much less thrive? Because we all, detached members included, enjoy the activities that are planned and executed!
I am making the choice to try and cultivate a state of detachment with this negative individual while staying in the organization. To change the level of emotional investment I have in this relationship. To let them… twist stories, tell lies, blame others. I will simply observe the behavior like a social study, not react/not rant/not engage. I will keep my conversation on activity logistics; I will decline to discuss other topics or other people. Yes, it will be me doing a “quiet quitting” within the organization – I will not volunteer to do anything else, I will not go the extra mile. Over time, I will, sadly, become simply another detached member and hope the organization survives with other’s leaning-in.
Do you tend to lean-in or detach? Have you ever been successful in creating detachment after you did lean-in?
Photo: a house build update picture. Things progress, much slower than anticipated. The building crews are much smaller than expected/planned, given the current situation here in the US. So things are taking longer to accomplish. We are in the framing mode; it will start to look more like a house very soon.
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Exit stage left… I am pretty sure I have said this before. I don’t think that you can just distance yourself from this person enough to maintain your peace of mind. But that’s just my opinion. If other’s in the group find her/him as disruptive perhaps that would help move them along?
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Bernie, I hear you. I’m attempting the distance and boundaries (week three!). Some have left, some have distanced. There are 4 others I know of on the precipice of leaving and taking a lot of wisdom and skill with them. Watching the demise of an organization you’ve invested in is hard.
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Yeah that’s tough but obviously someone in charge needs to take that person in hand. You are wise to distance.
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Pat—this person you’re describing is a narcissist. I am married to one and it has been maddening, until I recently came to understand what I was dealing with. Why do I stay with this person (after 28 years)? It’s a challenging question to answer and I won’t get into it here.
I have learned some important ways of dealing with him. Some of this you have already figured out. Be careful what you share about yourself. (Honestly, they don’t give a damn about you anyway.) This incurable personality disorder also has some physical origins (underdeveloped brain lobes) and the person will never change, so don’t even waste time in that direction. Do not try to reason with them. They are determined to be sure you are never right (that’s their prerogative), even if they have to lie, lie, lie. Ignoring their worst behavior is essential. They will never apologize (that’s acknowledging you are right, which they won’t do).
Do not let them get a rise out of you. Pushing your buttons is something they are good at. Remember this acronym: DARVO. It stands for: Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. That’s where the “being accused of doing what they are really the one doing” comes in. Narcissists, sociopaths and psychopaths all exhibit this behavior.
Think of them as physically and mentally handicapped. All the literature says to stay away from these people. I think that once we understand them and take measures to avoid triggering them, it is possible to have a decent relationship. But every situation is different. This is based on my (loooong and suffering) experience. Things really are better now that I have learned all this.
As Marcus Aurelius said to himself “You don’t have to let it bother you.” Walk away, if necessary. Don’t engage.
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Eilene, so, so helpful! Not that I’m going to give a psychological diagnosis, but yeah. I like the idea of thinking them physically and mentally handicapped. I’ve been telling myself, “she’s lacking” as well. Working on the “don’t let it bother me.”
The other day at a meeting, a number of people noticed she, as they say here, “threw me under the bus”. I adjusted, and did not let myself spiral into “I was horrible”. (she made it almost impossible for me to do the presentation I was scheduled to do, I did a work-around but it was by far less-than-spectacular.) The meeting attendees have not said anything to me, but there was talk of “how could she do that to Pat”. (I heard the gossip from someone). But, are you’d expect, no apology, not her fault. And I’m not letting it bother me.
I’m thinking that this situation might be the impetus to finally deal with triggers on deeply-held beliefs. (blog posts coming!) Yes, I’m looking for that silver lining. But I also know, I can walk away (with difficulty) if it continues to be bad.
Thank you so much for your personal insight into this. It was really helpful.
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Pat, you touched on something else that is important here. You said others in the group were talking about it, ‘gossiping.’ But, I’ll bet none of them said the words to her, ‘what you did to Pat was wrong, you need to apologize.’ When I had a similar problem years ago, even women I assumed to be my closest friends didn’t step up. The need to be ‘included’ is so strong, even at this age, that women can’t muster up the courage to confront the problem for fear of being sidelined alongside you. Yes, the BIG T certainly has ‘little D syndrome.’ Regina was your classic queen bee, mean girl. Best of luck navigating the cesspool.
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Another insightful point. I’ll have to check because I think one person did say something to her, but in true form, she claimed it wasn’t her fault. I’m finding that most people are simply distancing themselves from her. She’s not going to be Queen Bee of anyone soon.
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I’m so happy to hear that my experience may be helpful to you. It’s not easy to keep from being triggered by that sort of behavior. I don’t always succeed, but I have gotten quite good at not showing that something bugged me and it keeps anything from escalating. That would do no good, because there is no “winning” against this mindset.
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I wanted to add that I think you handled the situation admirably. Also, I think the sad thing is people like that cannot ever be truly happy. They have a bottomless well of insecurity, never to be filled.
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Wow, it’s an age-old thing with women – we say we want to encourage and support, but our actions don’t match up. There will always be a ‘Regina George’ in every group. Do what makes you happy. Stepping away is hard, watching things change is hard, but staying in an environment that makes you unhappy will ultimately make you sick. We can’t change how people respond to us. But, it shouldn’t take away from how we feel about ourselves. I’m awesome, and so are you! 🙂
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Suzanne, LOL. I had to look up Regina George. I’m not a movie watcher, so often am bad with pop-culture references! Another individual says she’s just like Tr-mp, not politically, but in her placing blame, her lack of trust in anyone, her twisting stories (outright lies), and her degradation of others. Was Regina that bad? Sigh.
You wonder why I stay….and sometimes I wonder, too. I’m working on the “I’m awesome,” boundary setting, and emotional regulation. Maybe this is a way to push some personal growth. I am distancing myself (three weeks now!), so will see how it goes.
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Hi Pat – I’ve got nothing on this one….it immediately took me back to my old job where I loved the job, loved the hours, loved the pay, loved who I was job-sharing with…..and still couldn’t push through due to that one individual and her incessant needs that sucked me dry. I tried a lot of what you’ve suggested here, but just couldn’t detach far enough to have clarity and calm, to the point that I just had to leave.
I hope you find your middle ground where you can stay and not have it coloured by this individual’s words and behaviour. You know what you bring to the table, and I hope you get to keep showing up and find a way through. BTW the house progress looks good to me (things here in Australia are very slow with construction – not enough tradesmen and too many people wanting new homes).
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Leanne, My situation definitely brought your’s to mind. I’m trying for that distance, boundaries approach and will see. I’m continuing to work on emotional regulation (my posts will reflect this), and will see how the situation progresses. I’ve invested a lot in this organization, but am also coming to the realization that my skills could be useful somewhere else, too. And I have the focus of the house rebuild to deal with as well, so that helps with distance!
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Ironically just Thursday some of the ladies were talking about how folks aren’t willing to volunteer for the HOA committees. Folks like to attend the events but not help. I recognize that I am not a leader. I resist all attempts to make me lead something. Thus I’m not in a situation of working with a toxic person. Best wishes as you work thru your situation(s).
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I understand that some people don’t want to lead, or even help. I just wonder how those people will feel when the events don’t happen? Hopefully the non-leaders & non-helpers express their appreciation of those who do lead & help.
I’m finding it interesting in another aspect of my life how those who are not leading just seem to be complaining, pointing out what’s wrong. I’ve heard it said that “there are complainers and there are doers”. That’s the case here.
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