Lean-in or Detach?

In all my emotional regulation understanding, my increasing resiliency exploration, and even the Buddhism meme’s I’ve been getting on my Facebook feed, there has been a consistent message of removing draining energy sources, whether it’s people, places, or activities.  I’ve been struggling with a specific situation (person mostly, but in an organization and activity I enjoy) that is massively draining.  Does the relationship I have with this person (and the organization) deserve repair, distance, or complete pull away?  I’ve been leaning in, but do I now detach?

My journaling is one of my emotional regulation tools. As I look back on my journaling notes related to this situation, I see comments like:

• Just remove/eliminate the things that trigger you (and the people that drain you) again and again… or at least reduce/distance.
• To elevate your vibrational energy, choose who you associate with wisely
• “I will no longer stay in situations that drain me.” as a new affirmation?
• Just disconnect from the low (negative/toxic) vibrational energy, the people that constantly express distrust, resentment, blame, or are always knocking down others.
• There is no need to put effort into people or “friends” who consistently make you feel small/not good enough.
• You can control the people you surround yourself with (who you put in your orbit). Remove those who are toxic to your energy.
• Stop venting – every time you rant, you are not releasing the negative energy, you are reinforcing it.  Stop reacting – this too feeds the negative energy!  Your job is not to fix, not to control, not to even acknowledge it, if possible.

Then there was a whole message track in my journaling on a toxic individual: What do you do when there is a person who will never own their mistakes (everything is someone else’s fault, always placing blame), who calls you “too sensitive” (dismissing your concerns), who criticizes you for the exact traits they refuse to see in themselves (and you actually don’t have!), who twists stories and spreads (derogatory) hypotheses as facts, who takes credit for things that go right even if they had nothing to do with it, who critiques every single thing (nothing is ever good enough), and who finds reasons to justify their harmful actions and words. Wisdom is learning when to simply step back. Some people are meant to teach you what to walk away from!

EVERYTHING seems to be telling me to walk away…. to remove myself from this person where every interaction is hurtful or draining. But then, I think about the entire situation. All the others who engage in the organization’s activities and the value I am getting from being in the organization.

And so, I started to explore more about detachment. Detachment is about keeping another’s toxicity from affecting your sense of self. Transitioning from an emotional or personal connection to a strictly transactional one.  It can be done with an individual and still remain in the organization. Some of the detachment approaches in this situation (detach from person, remain in organization) could include:

• Set firm boundaries on communication, reduce frequency of interactions with the individual, limit non-essential conversation, minimize participation in social events with the individual.
• Imagine a literal wall between you and the person. Ignore personal slights or emotional volatility. Accept their limitations, know you cannot change their behavior. Remind yourself that your worth is not tied to this person’s opinion. Let them be as they are.
• Emotionally distance yourself. Avoid sharing anything personal – they are an acquaintance, not a friend. Do not engage in conversations other than specific project related.
• Do not ever immediately respond to any message (text/email). Practice the “pause” method.
• Focus only on your specific job responsibilities, only performing required duties rather than going above and beyond; do the job without any extra effort or enthusiasm. Don’t volunteer to do anything; do a “quiet quitting” – step back, do less. Stop leaning-in!
• Build relationships with other supportive individuals in the organization who will celebrate the impact of your work.

I thought more about leaning-in versus detaching and wondered, is there a shift in the times? In two separate encounters this week, two leaders of volunteer organizations I belong to commented about how challenging it is to get people to engage in “running the show”. Of 75+ members in each organization, both had the same 10-15 who would do something to make something happen. The other members merely show up to the events. Both leaders struggled with getting member engagement, so the workload of organizing things could be reduced a bit for those 10-15.  So many are detached; not enough people are leaning in.

While the “lean in” term was coined by Sheryl Sandberg in her 2013 book, I used the concept repeatedly in my career on mentoring others, and in my own actions.  I used the metaphor, “I can get you invited to a seat at the table, but you need to make sure you bring something to that table. You can’t just sit there; you need to actively participate. Volunteer to do something and then exceed expectations. You engage; you deliver.” This approach was how I was raised – when you see something that needs to get done, you don’t wait for someone else to do it, you do it.  This is how my career progressed – you volunteer for the extra projects, you take on mentoring, you put in 110% to exceed expectations. This is who I am today. (And yes, I am one of those lean-in 10-15 in each of those organizations).

But today, it is more about the “Let Them” theory, popularized by Mel Robbins.This mindset tool focuses on emotional detachment and relinquishing control over others’ actions, choices, or opinions. By adopting the “Let Them” mantra, individuals supposedly reduce personal stress, establish boundaries, and gain clarity on relationships, allowing people to show their true character, values, and priorities, which helps in deciding who to keep in your life and who to remove from your life. And with that individual detachment, you also get situation/activity detachment.

And so, I am conflicted. Perhaps detachment is the skill I need to learn at this stage of my life. But if everyone detaches, how will these organizations survive, much less thrive? Because we all, detached members included, enjoy the activities that are planned and executed!

I am making the choice to try and cultivate a state of detachment with this negative individual while staying in the organization. To change the level of emotional investment I have in this relationship. To let them… twist stories, tell lies, blame others. I will simply observe the behavior like a social study, not react/not rant/not engage. I will keep my conversation on activity logistics; I will decline to discuss other topics or other people. Yes, it will be me doing a “quiet quitting” within the organization – I will not volunteer to do anything else, I will not go the extra mile. Over time, I will, sadly, become simply another detached member and hope the organization survives with other’s leaning-in.

Do you tend to lean-in or detach? Have you ever been successful in creating detachment after you did lean-in?

Photo: a house build update picture. Things progress, much slower than anticipated. The building crews are much smaller than expected/planned, given the current situation here in the US. So things are taking longer to accomplish. We are in the framing mode; it will start to look more like a house very soon.

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