I’m beginning to believe I have a distorted vision of friendship and that the “perfect picture of female friendship” is a just a fantasy. The BFF from childhood or high-school, who remains your BFF through it all – just getting older and grayer now. The tight knit group of besties who do things together all the time. The compatible couples that dine, and game, and travel together. Unrealistic “how things are supposed to be” fantasies that some (few!) people might have, but the majority do not. Like being model thin, becoming a millionaire in your 20’s, or winning the lottery. They are portrayed in the movies, on TV, or on social media. But it is just not real life for most of us.
I’ve been doing more thinking about an “inner circle”. I’ve never had the “girl tribe”, although I believe the current phase is girl-squad! Not in high-school, not in college, not in my twenties. Why would I imagine I would magically have one now? Friendships are harder to create and keep as you leave the proximity of school, workplace, or the sidelines at kids’ activities.
Yes, there are those who have that long-term friend who still lives down the block or the tight circle of friends in the neighborhood. And there are those who don’t. It does not make one better than the other! Why do I set one way above the other?
It was helpful to also read about the downside of some of those circles. The peer pressure to go along with the circle to stay in it, the group decisions you might not agree with, the us versus them judgmental-ism, and the potential of being excluded and then being on the wrong end of gossip and backstabbing.
I’ve come to the conclusion that the idea of having a girl tribe or tight inner circle of friends is really just a fantasy. Right along with gender stereotype and its unrealistic expectations (like in America Ferrera’s powerful Barbie monologue), it is a fantasy that leads to feelings of inadequacy. Add it to my personal need for external validation, and it spirals me (again & again) when I compare my reality to the fantasy.
In retirement, there is a need to create more connections as work connections disappear. Then, with our move, I had the need again, to find new connections, new friends. But, why do I keep searching for the fantasy of a “inner circle girl tribe”? I need to shift my mindset! I need to return to the quote “Friends for a reason, friends for a season, and friends for a lifetime.”
I do have friends for a lifetime – even if more are now a phone call away. Friends for a reason – I need to enjoy the class, the club, or the activity but don’t expect any deep friendships from it. Plan what you like to do and if others want to join in, OK – that is friends for a season, especially here with snowbirds, and summer heat avoiders!
Don’t worry about inner circles, tribes, squads. Fill my life with things I love to do and spend more time just being. I’ve worked on body image acceptance (post cancer body reality). I’ve worked on cluttered environment acceptance (my living space reality). I’ve worked on letting go of the retirement “expectations” (second career, travel, hobby mastery) most days. Now, I’m going to work on shifting my mindset about needing to be in an inner circle or have a girl-tribe. I’m going to stop the comparison of my real life to a fantasy.
One other aha this week. It is OK to not have a grand life purpose; it does not mean you’re going to die early. (That was my inner belief!) Many people live their entire lives very happily without a grand life purpose. I now just think – they are not the ones writing the books.
Shifting my mindset on both the inner circle friend fantasy and a grand life purpose should help the downward spirals. Is there a mindset belief you’ve had to majorly shift?
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Years ago I learned the saying “you have friends for a reason, a season, or life.” Over the years I’ve found this to be true and an uplifting way to envision friendships. You let go of those who don’t value who you’ve become and accept where that leaves you. My point is I, too, don’t long for a group of close girlfriends at this point. I get what you’re saying here.
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Ally, As someone who spent way too many years living up to or trying to exceed expectations, it’s been eye-opening to realize how this friend circle expectation is really just a fantasy. I’m not a failure at friendship. I will focus on those who value who I’ve become, because I have become my authentic self this past few years. Thanks for that insight.
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Awesome post, Pat. The answers to the questions you ask, the solutions to the problems you describe, if they are problems, are all in there.
I recently decided to stop writing, or at least stop writing for publication. I’m a writer. Since my teenage years, I have been writing with a view to publishing. As an academic, much of my writing was prepared for publishing.
I want to learn more languages. Writing is taking time away from that. I will stop writing so that I have more time to learn new languages. I am still worthy if I am not producing, though I may need reminders of that from time to time.
You are just fine as you are!
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John, that’s a huge transition… moving away from writing to publish, which you’ve been focused on for so long. I wish you success… what’s your first language?
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Yes, Pat, it’s a big transition, and I am not expecting everyone to understand it, even when I explain it. I just have to remind myself that nobody else, besides me, needs to be convinced about this (my) decision. My first language is English. I also speak French. I want to learn Portuguese, Spanish and Italian. More possibly, but those for sure.
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You have written my mind, my feelings, my wonderings. And we already knew we had much in common.
As for living a long life? I read something (sorry I can’t reference the book as I read 80+ yearly).
It is important to:
I generally return from a trip and begin considering the next one. I love being home, I love seeing new places, I love visiting a friend who moved 2200 miles away, I love visiting a niece who moved 2000 miles away and now has a daughter. I love trips w/hubster and doing things he loves.
I am BLESSED to have my hubster of nearly 44y. I take no days for granted. We’re turning 63. 17y ago my sister, just 57yo, buried her husband to an undiagnosed vascular problem. We are now older than they were then!
Daily I have many things I love to DO! I walk outdoors being blessed to live a few blocks from a river that runs through town. I enjoy cardio class at the gym. I enjoy reading. I enjoy doing absolutely nothing. I enjoy sewing and I make quilts fI hor children receiving a bed that were otherwise on the floor.
I have a few friends who will meet up for happy hour. I’ve made really good online friends and I fly to visit them annually. Most of my friend interaction is via text. I’ve come to terms with it (and given up on that tribe you describe).
So, cheers to all of us doing it OUR WAY!
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Elle, I am coming to terms with it… slowly, painfully, two steps forward & one step back. But making progress.Hearing all the comments (last week and this), makes me feel so much less alone and realizing that this is the way it is. In fact, this is more the norm than having that tribe! And you are correct in pointing out — I do wake up almost every morning looking forward to what I have planned… even if that is a do-nothing day! It might not look like anyone else’s life – but it’s mine and I’m loving it.
I can relate a bit to your story about your sister. My husband’s Irish twin sister just didn’t wake up one morning… she was 63. That was the impetus for our move to Florida… it was one of the few things my husband really wanted in life. I am not a fan of the heat nor a water-baby. He is both. But I am carving out a life I love here… gardening, dabbling in crafts, reading, exercise classes. Yes, we’re doing it OUR WAY!
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Two times in two weeks you’ve been in my head! I did my own compare and despair this weekend when the next door neighbor had a 60th birthday party and there were dozens of cars. I don’t even know that many people. I’ve always had a friend in this circle and another in a different circle, but I’ve always been on the outside of other people’s circles, not the center. It makes me sad that that sort of celebration will never happen for me. Even as I’m easily overwhelmed with large groups and prefer the company of one or two other people at a time.
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Chris, It makes me happy when I can connect to others and know I’m not alone in the thoughts in my head. My husband also feels overwhelmed with large groups, but he asked for a 50th birthday gathering. (Of course he told me this 2 weeks before his birthday when I had a small intimate thing planned! But that’s another story.). There were not dozens of cars, but it was a nice gathering of friends and family…. and yes, it was a friend or two from here, another from over there, my friends, his friends, some neighbors. Some wild connections were made… apparently his cousin’s SIL (his aunt was at the party) worked with my old boss (she came as plus one of a friend). Anyway, you might know more people than you think…. or just stay with the intimate celebration. My 50th was that and lovely as well. [My 60th was during height of covid..we didn’t even go out to eat.]
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I’ve definitely experienced all types of friendships – reason, season, and lifetime. They’ve all been extremely important in my life, and it’s easy to feel bad that I’m not close to some of these friends anymore. I don’t have a girl tribe myself and it sometimes makes me envious of those that do. But then I remember who I am. I am not one who needs constant communication. I’m not one who wants to be doing something all the time. I’d be more miserable with all that. I hope you can become content with the great things you have instead of thinking you’re missing out. Unless you’re missing things you love, you’re not missing out at all.
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I hadn’t connected my feeling to a “FOMO” feeling. Fear of Missing Out! [Very much a term of the moment.] I read something recently which talked about how they wanted the invitation, even though they wouldn’t want to do the event. I think that’s closer for me than missing out on the activity. However, I love how you point out – remember who I am. I am content with so much on my life and need to focus on that!
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Oh, I need to clarify. I didn’t mean you were unhappy about missing out on any activities. I was referring to the feelings you have about not having a girl tribe or whatever a group of friends might be called. It’s more about missing the feeling of inclusion as opposed to not being included. I hope that makes sense.
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Got it. Still it was interesting to think on the FOMO idea. But I’m still going with my new belief that expecting to have a friend circle/ tribe/ squad is a fantasy. And those unmet feelings of inclusion…I’ll have to think how to resolve that.
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Although written from a decidedly female perspective (for obvious reasons!), I’m identifying with this excellent post of yours. I’ve been wanting to write about the changes in which friendships morph over time, especially as one begins to age. I’m not really sure gender is even germain to the conversation; I found myself nodding in agreement with most of what you’ve written here. What I’ve found, at least in my own long-term friendships, is that over time the common bonds that were once so easy to maintain (i.e. shared interests, outlooks, etc.) begin to fray and disassociate from individual life experiences. For instance, when my closest childhood friend told me two years ago told me how “dangerous” the covid vaccines were, that was a bell-ringing moment for me. It used to be sports and music that we discussed. Great, thought-provoking post, Pat. – Marty
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Marty, Obviously I can’t know about male friendships. It’s good to hear that some of my insights rang true for you. I do know that many friendships start based on proximity or shared interests. And both of those change over time. My interests today are decidedly different than they were 10 years ago and my proximity certainly has shifted! You made me wonder, how many friendships are really formed based on shared values? Thanks for sharing your thoughts with me!
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Pat, this is another well-written, insightful post. Thank you for candidly sharing the evolution of your thought process. Resolve and acceptance are powerful and bring us closer to our authentic selves. When we value what we have and stop chasing the elusive ‘what if’s’ life becomes more satisfying. At least, it has for me. Have a great week.
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Suzanne, Most days I am there – so very grateful for the life I have. Acceptance of what is, that’s harder. So many years of trying for perfection, of trying to exceed expectations, of trying to do things right. So yes, I continue to work on my acceptance of things not being perfect, not matching fantasy/expectation, not being “right”. Back in January, I thought about Accept as my WOTY, but opted not to choose one. Perhaps it’s being chosen for me!
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Pat, I recently read a quote that has helped me avoid the “compare & despair” cycle and it may help you too.
“Envy devours. You cease to be centered within your own life, but instead are perpetually out of balance as we lean into the lives of others, regretting their happiness, real or imagined.”
I think this applies to almost every aspect of life..whether we envy a lifestyle, travel, friends, purpose/mission, whatever. As others have mentioned, it is easy to get swept up in what our lives should be – self-help books have “pointed” the way for years and now social media sends us the same message – but what we really need to do is learn to listen to our own hearts and souls and know what we truly want and what will bring us contentment. Peace to you.
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Ruth, I continue to work on shifting the Compare & Despair to Observe & Admire. To be happy for those who are doing the things they love to do. To say – great for you, but not for me. It is a work in progress.
One of my challenges, which came to mind reading your comment, is sometimes I don’t know if what I think I want is because i’ve been conditioned to think I want it, or if it’s truly my own desire! I definitely need to spend more time listening to my own heart.
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Your last post struck me because I don’t have a circle of friends, I never kept best friends from high school, college, or various jobs close through the years! I always just seem to move on. I have 2 friends that I go to dinner with once a month-old neighborhood friends whose kids grew up together and I try to make our “class reunion meeting” of 7 people once a month.
I continue to look forward to your posts and I’m glad to read this one!
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Nancy, When I took a step back on thinking about circle of friends and talked with a few folks, hardly anyone had it! That was the lead into this blog post. I love you have your monthly groups (whether 2 or 7) I had a similar set of dinner folks before we moved; I’ve not been able to replicate that here. That’s been hard – having something and then it being gone.
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Great piece, Pat. Friends happen. IMHO it makes a lot more sense simply to focus on being kind (being a friend) & enjoying life with whomever comes along. Now into my 11th year in an assisted living bldg I’m surprised to realize that several of my best women friends are those I’ve met here — although I don’t participate in activities in the bldg because I’m too busy with causes & activities (& friends) I had before the move. I simply treasure them all.
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Fran, Thank you for two wonderful pieces of advice: enjoy life with whomever comes along and treasure them (friends) all. so simple. So impactful.
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Excellent post again. Reminds me of my Compare and Despair with the concept of having a solemate for a husband. I’ve recently listened to a marriage/relationship podcast that talked about how unrealistic it is to look for a “soulmate” as a spouse. They advocated finding and accepting “good enough”. If you have a “soulmate”, that’s wonderful but apparently it’s not that common.
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I had to laugh… do you tell your hubby he’s “good enough”? I’ve actually always thought my hubby was “perfect for me”. No, he’s certainly not perfect! And some of his quirks are still hard for me to put up with. I’m not sure I’d call him my soul mate though. And so, another fantasy that is not my real life.
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Hi Pat – I really enjoyed reading the comments on your post last week. I think we’re all bombarded by social media and the do-ers, and those of us who are just happy “being” feel like we’ve missed the boat in some way. My biggest mindset shift was to discover that perfectionism is a trap, that I don’t want the pressure of trying to have a shiny life, and that being quietly retired is a gift, and it’s only in recent years (since the internet) that we’ve had other people’s BIG lives thrust at us – I don’t want what they’re having – and I just need to remind myself of that occasionally when they pop up on FB.
Friends are lovely, but new friendships are rare in this later part of my life. I don’t feel the need for close girlfriends, I like the few friendships I have, and I love that my husband and I have a deep and close relationship – that’s enough for me. The movies and the books about friendships are great, but they’re not my reality – I don’t want that many people in my life, and I don’t have the energy or interest to have to commit that much of myself to other people – I’ve become a late in life introvert 🙂
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Leanne, I always thought I was an introvert, but I’m discovering I’m more extroverted than I used to be. But you are correct in seeing everyone else’s bigger life can make my own smaller one feel less-than. And yet, I know others look at my planning, my engagement in clubs, and doodling with crafts and think I’ve got a big life! It’s so hard to not do comparisons, to accept what your life is as the right thing for you. Yes, “I did it my way” has got to be my new mantra!
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