Permission for the Negative Emotions

~ patwdoyle11

It’s been a tough couple of weeks emotionally. Nothing major, just my negative thoughts spiraling me down. I try and work on positivity with daily gratitude, journaling, getting outside in my garden, doing things I love to do. But there are times when my critical inner voice and my natural pessimism seem to overpower the positivity practices. Working on positivity also means giving yourself permission to feel the pain of negative emotions. Some of this negative spiral is retirement focused, some is just life and the accumulation of little jabs at my psyche. I share so that others who also struggle with the negative spirals realize they are not alone.

I felt absolutely drained from a contentious Board of Directors meeting (yes, many of you have recommended I quit this role!), writing too many large checks (hurricane insurance, flood insurance, tax due – all made me feel financially insecure), and the awareness that I’m in nobody’s inner circle.

I came to the awareness, once again, that I really don’t have a tribe. Loss of connections is a huge part of retirement transition, and I’m still working on rectifying it, 10 years into retirement! Over the past few weeks, I’ve become aware of multiple gatherings/events hosted by individuals I thought were becoming friends, but that we had not been invited to. The awareness that I’m not in anyone’s inner circle hurts even as I type the words!

And my planning approach to build friendship seems to be failing; I’m getting fewer and fewer people actually joining in on the activities I’m planning. I’ve tried smaller group invites, singular invites, and different activities. Hubby has become aware that he’s the one (singular one) who has to go to things I plan, and he’s not always happy about it. (I do try and only ask him to join me on things I hope he’ll like.) I’m not giving up, but definitely need to refocus on my approach.

In another life area, I need to understand, “Why do I keep reading about the right way to do retirement?”  Because of my book writing research, I’m (still) linked to many blogs/sites about retirement planning. When I read other’s articles/blogs on retirement transition, I hear the expectations: have a second career, become a life coach, volunteer and give back, travel the world, spend quality time with family, set goals. I recently read about increasing your health-span. Yes, the newest term is health-span. More than lifespan, which is just age, health-span is more years of healthy living. Wonderful concept. But, once again, it’s touting you must have a (grand) life purpose, as well as regular exercise, eating heathy, getting enough sleep, having a strong family/friend network, and reducing stress.

I don’t have a grand life purpose. I certainly don’t have the friend tribe I was hoping for. I’ve no desire to work a second career or even take on any additional volunteering. Nor do I have a big project/goal with milestones, any major travel plans, or even a summer project selected. This stresses me! 

And then, the latest hit on my psyche was learning ZenTangle, which in my mind is doodling on steroids. While my training included the statement, “there is not a right or wrong way to do it”, if you look at it, there is certainly a right way! ZenTangle is doodling perfection; there is mastery to ZenTangle.

So, to sum up my negative spiral feelings was basically, I’m not doing anything right. Not doing retirement right. Not doing friendship right. Not doing my marriage right. Not doing ZenTangle right. Why can I not define my life purpose? Why is being a homebody not good enough? It felt like I had a massive black hole inside me, just sucking out all my energy and sending out bad vibes/thoughts.

I’ve been working on digging myself out of that black hole! Beyond the daily journaling and gratitude, I’ve cooked more healthy meals (OK, I just added veggies!). I’ve sat outside to read and do my crosswords puzzles (Our weather has been amazing except for one day of worrisome storm surge.) I’ve played with crafts (see my seashell frame!) and bought more plants. I drank a cream soda (one of my glimmers!) and forced hubby into going to a couple of new events with me.

I read this phrase recently: “Concentrate on your own healing. Establish healthy boundaries. Embrace your personal strengths. Amplify your inner light. Practice self-love.” So maybe it’s a summer focused on self-love and personal strengths. I will plan a summer reading project that focuses on learning. I will plan fewer group gatherings/activities,. I will continue drumming and crafting, and explore adding in more yoga to my routine. And, I will work on healthy emotional boundaries in my reading, in my reactivity, and with my inner voice.

What do you do when the negative thoughts spiral you down?

Picture Credit – one of my dabbles in crafting – seashell covered frame.

Copyright © 2024 retirementtransition.blog – All rights reserved.

Published by patwdoyle11

Life is a series of transitions and my blog captures my retirement transition journey.

33 thoughts on “Permission for the Negative Emotions”

  1. oh Pat, you sure are miserable and I hear you.

    there are NO freaking rules to retirement!!

    somewhere along this life path many of us got caught in “retirement” lifestyle etc etc.

    My ONE suggestion is STOP all the trying hard and all that.

    I’ve found allowing life to unfold in all its uncertainty is the way to go.

    you’ve chosen a place to retire with all the right reasons on paper, but many of the suggestions taken on board need gentle culling by you.

    life for you by you and enjoyed is what I offer.

    Denyse x

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    1. Denyse, a great reminder. Because I am truly happy with my life. It’s just those expectations I hear. That’s what I had to realize… that the expectations were about trying to achieve a fantasy! It was helpful to hear everyone’s comments. Yes, Life done My Way!

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  3. I’m sorry for the current moment you’re experiencing. For me, these things always ebb and flow with periods of fulfillment (i.e. personal and with people) followed by moments of doubt about motives (my own and others). During lockdown, my wife and I made a decision to join a local synagogue to find friends and experience a shared sense of belief. Two years later, those things have all happened to such a degree that we both feel overwhelmed sometimes. Too much of anything, right? I get all kinds of emails from local organizations that I’ve dipped my toes into from time to time, and sometimes I drop in to see what they’re doing now. I ultimately find myself battling for more alone time… which is what I had too much of during lockdown, of course! I hope you find that balance at some point. – Marty

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    1. Marty, I too find it’s an ebb and flow. I think I share the ebb parts so others don’t feel alone when they hit their own down/ebb times. And you’re right, it is about balance. Balance of being & alone time and doing, time with others. I tend to struggle with the alone being time…so maybe that’s also a learning in all this for me. BTW – Good to hear from you!

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  4. I appreciate you explaining your situation and how it is making you feel. I like your line: Working on positivity also means giving yourself permission to feel the pain of negative emotions. I agree and wish it weren’t so but it is. I’ve never read any books about retirement, how to do it, what to expect. It’s interesting how the advice isn’t landing with you so maybe ignore it! I don’t have any pithy advice, just confidence in your ability to find the path that is right for you.  

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    1. Ally, thanks for the vote of confidence. I know I’ll swing back to a more positive space. But I think it’s helpful to acknowledge the not so great moments, as opposed to only present highlight reels about life. Luckily I have many tools to help me get back on the right path!

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  5. Thank you for being so honest Pat. Your post really resonated with me, in my case I think the root of it is that I had a very satisfying, if challenging career, and although I don’t miss the work itself, there is so much about it that I do miss – being involved in big projects, being part of a team that really got things done and the validation that what I did every day meant something. Like you I fill my days with interesting things, I have a nice home and a family who love me, but I’m still working on the rest. I always enjoy reading your posts and I wish you all the best in your quest for peace and positivity. Take care x

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    1. Angela, One of the reasons I post on topics like this is to learn I’m not alone in the feelings. And hopefully let others know they are not alone too. 

      I was talking with an old colleague the other day as she nears her retirement and her fear was similar to what you are experiencing – the loss of the mental stimulation of the project work, the conversations with smart people, and feelings of accomplishment. We brainstormed a few ideas for her and her interests…tutoring was an area she had a lot of interest in. I suggested she explore some of the local life-long-learning courses (she was not aware of them!) and book clubs (stimulating conversation). I’m not sure I have any desire myself for a big project, although I actually know what mine would be if i did! I hope you can define something that adds back into your life the things you miss from working.

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      1. Thank you for your suggestions. I am starting to meet interesting people through my volunteering and I have signed up to some one day workshops in things I have never tried before. Unfortunately I have not been able to find good lifelong learning opportunities in the area where I live. I have also joined Meetup and met some nice people through their groups including a book club. So I’m getting there!

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  6. I don’t have a grand life purpose. I certainly don’t have the friend tribe I was hoping for. I’ve no desire to work a second career or even take on any additional volunteering. Nor do I have a big project/goal with milestones, any major travel plans, or even a summer project selected. This stresses me! 

    I call bull on those who say: second career, volunteer commitments, grand life purpose.

    I worked my arse off in the operating room, logging enough hours to equal FT until age 67. I retired at 58. I don’t want a schedule. I would love to volunteer but every agency wants a regular schedule. I want to call and say “I am available T/Th next week. I saved $ and don’t need income. 

    When asked what I do? ”What I want, When I want, If I want!” I exercise more, I cook because I’m not exhausted/eating out. These changes are improving my health. I do want to be healthy old so if I have a BIG goal, this is it. 

    I garden during the day instead of after 10-12h at work. I’m a quilter and I love being in my sewing space. I make quilts and donate to community need. (If someone just has to know what I work at, I tell them quilts are my work now!) I read read read. I love to read.

    I also do not have a tribe. My work friends still work. And people with grands have drifted off like they did when they had kids(we have no kids/grands). 

    There are no rules for retirement so call BS on all those instructive people on their high horse of “I know best”. Find your joy. What do you love to do?  Be your best YOU not them.

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    1. Elle,

      So much in your comment I was nodding my head to! I am the healthiest I’ve been in years. I sleep better, move better, have more muscle even. I enjoy my gardening, do daily crosswords, read, dabble in crafts. When I focus on all that, it does help. I’m beginning to think many folks who publish the “best approach to retirement” are not necessarily living a joyful life!

      Also – Wonderful insight about losing friends to grandkids now…just like l lost some to kids years ago. (no kids here as well).

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  7. Hi Pat, and thank you, as always, for your honesty. I so appreciate hearing the ups and downs of life although sorry to hear you’re feeling blue about this. But boy do I get it! I have recently been feeling so anxious myself to find the things that will get rid of my angst about not participating or engaging. I believe we all want to find a way to feel useful and that’s how I see my purpose — and it’s something that’s changed now in this phase of life and harder to unearth and express for me. I think there are so many changes that happened after retiring and have a very full work life — mine left little room for anything else — and I realize I made it that way. But that is why I retired — I wanted to have more time to discover what’s inside and what I want to do. I’ve struck out on a few things — you’ll get a laugh because I was one of those coaching devotees who took courses but I’m now closing my coaching LLC. For me it was a desire to help others not feel as blindsided by all of the emotional adjustments retirement brought for me. I have a feeling your purpose is exactly the same as many of us now — to find who we really are, who we’ve put aside, who we still want to be — and then just be that person. And seems to me you’re doing it. In fact, I want to write a blog piece about knowing yourself and saying “No”. Thank you for your blog — you are doing a service to all of us with your authentic self and for the way you shed the old, preconceived notions about retirement that no longer really exist.

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    1. Thank you so much for your comment. I also took the whole set of life coach /retirement life coach classes and was a certified life coach. I realized quickly it was not for me.

      I like how you put it – figuring out who we really are and/or who we really want to be. Without the social expectations and the conditioned responses/habits. All my reading about retirement just reinforces societal expectations! I do think notions about retirement have shifted, I think the current notions have more to do with the strive for success of the Boomer generation. My new hypothesis – the ones writing the retirement articles are the same ones who wrote the climb the corporate ladder articles!

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  8. I read your post last night but wanted to try and articulate an answer. I’m back with no BIG easy answer because there isn’t one. I think perhaps your goal driven personality kicks your own butt hard at times. Not everyone has loads of friends or close friends, but it can seem that way from the outside. It’s hard being on the outside, and for that, I offer my sympathy. Have you thought about a)using Zoom to keep a connection with friends you moved away from and b)joining a newcomers club. We recently had friends move away, and they do both of those items. They found lots of new friends via the new comers club but still chatt with us with Zoom. Just a couple of practical thoughts. Take care of yourself and continue to practice gratitude even if it doesn’t feel like enough.

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    1. Bernie, I’m quite good at kicking my own butt hard. And I appreciate the practical ideas. I do in fact have regular FaceTime connects with a few friends from where we used to live. Those are amazing conversations. I guess I was hoping, after being here now 3 years, to find a friend or two physically closer to do things with. I miss my “hell yeah buddy” – the one who was up for most anything I said, “want to try this?” And the foodie group we met with monthly – singles and couples all with a passion for food and good conversation. Hard to do that via Zoom (we tried!). Yeah, unmet expectations. But I am practicing gratitude daily, working on doing things I love to do (today was cardio drumming and getting a massage!), and thinking about the perspectives I’m hearing (and advice I’m getting). It is all helping.

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  9. Pat, I can’t add anything to the wise words that have been written by others so I will extend my good wishes and hopes that you will find peace within yourself. Retirement isn’t something we get right or wrong, it is simply another chapter of our lives. Don’t waste another minute trying to ‘figure it out.’ Just be.

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    1. Suzanne, Isn’t some of the advice just wonderful! I really appreciate everyone’s perspective – it all does help. And yeah, learning to Just Be is such a challenge for me. It’s interesting to note that most “retirement advice” does not include learning to just be! Life purpose, goal setting, exercise and eating right, but not learning to just be. Interesting.

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      1. Pat, I think one gets to ‘just BE’ sometime after asorbing intellectual knowledge, trying on new roles and identies, following basic health habits and accepting that we can’t control the space we move through each day, nor the people we encounter along the way. At some point, life and how we live it evolves (by the choices we make) into a peaceful, joyful experience that takes on a shape of its own. You have done the work, you know the formula, it’s your time.

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  10. I am so sorry for your sadness. I appreciate that you share your downs as well as your ups. Your thinking helps me think.

    Sooo thankful I never felt the need to follow any of the retirement books I got preretirement, even Retirement Quest. I had the example of my dad and my in-laws happily drifting through retirement; no plan, no objectives. Thankful neither hubby nor I felt the need for such planning. I ran from anything that remotely reminded me of working at “big company” (having an unsuccessful career has it’s benefits. Kinda sucks to have your last success be getting your engineering degree 45 years ago). We are lucky that kids and family create activities.

    Not having “a tribe” is a big reason I won’t move until I no longer have “a tribe” where we currently live. I have to chuckle when the YMCA sends me surveys and asks if I’ve made friends over the 10 years I’ve gone there. That’s a big fat NO. Do I enjoy pilates class, yes, have I made friends, no.

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    1. I always like to hear different people’s perspectives. I think it’s different personalities coming into play a bit as well. My hubby is not a planner, at all. He happily floats from one new activity/interest to another. I know it’s a new one when new toys show up. But, I am hearing in all the comments I need a bit of a mindset shift…enjoy the class/activity/club but don’t expect deep friendships from it. That’s a mindset shift I can work on.

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  11. Hi Pat, I’m sorry you’re struggling with so many negative feelings. I’ve been in a bit of a funk recently, worrying whether I ‘should be’ doing more in my retirement. However, I do not subscribe to the thinking that I need some grand purpose, rather I believe the human purpose is to find joy and happiness – and that can be done in millions of ways. It’s funny, when I was younger I NEVER thought about this stuff, I just did what made me happy… I need her to come back!!

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    1. Sharon, What a lovely way to think about it! And I do find joy and happiness in much of what I do, day in and day out. So much of the “what I do” are not big things. I love you’re looking to get back to the self who did things that made her happy. Maybe that’s your “should do more”…. do more (little) things that make you happy.

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  12. Pat- another post that resonates. I feel you’ve been in my head for the last couple of weeks. No advice, just letting you know you aren’t alone.

    I ping pong between being happy with my small and ordinary life, and wanting a bigger/more challenging one. It cycles and I’m currently in the mindspace of wanting a bigger goal.

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    1. Chris, One of the reasons I post topics like this is for that very reason… to learn that I’m not alone in these feelings. And hopefully to let others know they are not alone. I’m hearing it’s more normal than we think! And most days/weeks, I’m also very content with my small ordinary life! Every time i think about a possible new big goal (and there are a couple I think about often), I kind-of shudder. Which tells me that my small no-grand-purpose lifestyle is right for me at the moment. If you’re not shuddering, maybe taking on something a bit more challenging is right for you at the moment. Listen to your intuition!

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  13. I love reading your blogs and I love that you really put yourself out there and I bet there are a crazy number of people that can relate to all of this – so I bet your are speaking to the masses of retirees. I’m sure it hurts to feel this way and to write about it but I’m thankful that you are willing to do it.

    I have written a response over and over but keep deleting it all. I wish I had some insight as to get retirement right, but I don’t. And you know I’m right there with you.

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    1. Candyse, I don’t know why it’s surprising to me how many are in a similar place as I am. But I think I post about it to say, “hey, you’re not alone if you’re feeling like this too”. And it helps me to know I’m not alone in it. I think I’m coming to realize that the norm is very different than what is touted – about friendships, life purpose in retirement, etc. But I can say, focusing on gratitude does help with easing the negative emotions. That touted one is truth!

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  14. Pat – I haven’t known you for 30 years, but for the time I have known you, you have always been very hard on yourself. It breaks my heart to hear that you’ve been suffering with all of these negative thoughts and feelings. I think you and I need to have a Vulcan mind meld. I would fix you right up!

    Do I have a grand life purpose? No. Does it bother me? No. I am content doing the things I enjoy and looking for opportunities where I can be helpful to others in some way. Do I continue to look for something that might fit with my interests and passions where I could have a bigger impact on the world? Sure. Does it grind my gears that I don’t currently have something like that? Not at all. If it happens, it happens. If not, steady as she goes.

    I’m not sure why I have such a relaxed attitude. Perhaps it’s partly the understanding that evolutionarily, there is no real meaning to life other than what you create for yourself and your loved ones. I do push myself in some ways, but in other ways, I take it very easy. I don’t have a large number of friends. I have a bunch of golf buddies, but there isn’t much of a relationship with any of them beyond the golf course. I don’t have what I would call a close BFF, but I don’t think that’s wildly unusual for a man, especially of my age. Would I like to have a close friend and confidant? Eh? Maybe, if the right person came along, but again, it’s not stressing me that I don’t. I put most of my friend energy into the relationship with my wife which is plenty for me.

    I wish I could somehow just convince you to relax your standards a bit, but I think we are fundamentally different from one another and I’m not sure that anything I could say would resonate with you.

    Meanwhile, I am sending positive thoughts and energy your way and if you ever want to chat, give me a shout. Take care of yourself.

    Bob

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    1. Bob, I chuckled about the Vulcan Mind Meld…would I become an amazing cook along with an easier mindset? I know I’m too hard on myself …. enough people have told me that, I should know it! But seriously, it’s nice to hear that you have no grand life purpose and it doesn’t bother you. Most of the time, I can get there – true contentment with my life. But then a series of events will start me to question where my life is, start me to Compare & Despair, and bam, over-thinking and negative spiral! But posting about it helps me get words of wisdom, like yours, and it actually helps turn the spiral around. And yes, many of your words do resonate with me, even if we are fundamentally different in mindset…because I do want to get to that more relaxed mindset. A work in progress for me.

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  15. Hi Pat – that was another heartfelt post from you and I can feel a lot of what you’re going through. I’ve come to accept that retirement for me is different to a lot of the go-getters’ version. I’ve actually become really tired of reading about people becoming life coaches – they’re everywhere in Midlife! and I refuse to compete or compare with those who are living big. I’m coming to understand that it’s okay to live a smaller life in retirement, to find contentment with my home, my husband, a few friends (the number is getting smaller by the year!), and my own company.

    Who says life has to be full of travel, events, projects, and milestones? Why can’t it be gentler, softer, and lighter? I’ve noticed that’s the direction my #WOTYs have been taking me to – and this year’s is about quietening the outside noise and being centred on what’s within – finding what feels real to me, not what other people are shouting about – often the loudest, busiest people are those who are unhappy with who they are when things are quiet. Sending you love and I’d have coffee with you if we were closer xx

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    1. Thanks Leanne. I know you’re one of those who continue to show the gentler, softer, slower side of retirement and its helpful to read about it! Shifting my Type-A personality towards that slower, being versus doing, lifestyle is a definite work in progress. Some days/weeks I do it better. Some days/weeks not so much. And you are right about the life coaches – I even attempted that route before I realized it was really not me! Hah.

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