As I contemplated a blog topic for today, I noted that the only phrase underlined in my morning journal entries this week was, “Ordinary acts anchor us in the present.” Perhaps that is the answer to my underlying question, “I am doing the work, so why doesn’t it feel like I’m healing (emotionally)?” I recognize we are still in the trauma of losing the house, which stimulated other trauma responses for me personally as well. Perhaps, recognizing the ordinary acts this week is part of the healing! The ordinary acts that also bring my retirement lifestyle into reality.
I know that focus on the present (and being grateful for it) is part of changing my narrative. That new narrative includes, “I do enough. I have enough, I have always been enough.” And more recently, “I don’t need to be useful to be worthy.” Practicing gratitude, noticing the daily glimmers, setting boundaries, and being kinder to myself are all also part of the emotional healing work. So, let’s look at the past week, being in the present, and the ordinary.
I have been ignoring (trying to!) the house build continued delays. Dry-wall install was delayed, but external siding was done and dry-wall was at least delivered! And no, there is not a Final Timing yet. Our general contractor is loath to give me one since we have had so many out-of-his-control delays. Unfortunately, that question is asked all the time, “When will the house be done?” I need to figure out how to not let that question cut deep with the reactive thought, “I’m incompetent in managing this project.” I definitely need to continue work on internal thought reactions!
Focus on the ordinary to stay in the present and living my retirement lifestyle every day. I continue to love my cardio drumming classes. Of course, the future worrier in me comes out about the fall and winter classes. My garden club events restart in September and they are Monday and Thursday mornings, same mornings as cardio drumming. And snow-birds fill up the Saturday morning class to overflowing. It is so hard to stay in the present, isn’t it?
Focus on the ordinary to stay in the present. I harvested two pineapples from donated-to-me pineapple plants! (So sweet.) I dove into a creative mode synthesizing my reading on tarot perspective and then crafted and printed a tarot guidebook for myself. I got hubby to help with a group paddle at our not-yet-built house. Despite the can’t-sleep-all-night-before worry (there’s my hyper-vigilant state still acting up!), no one got injured walking through a construction zone to get out on the water. And yes, it made me realize that paddling mornings will be on the ordinary things to plan once we are back in the house. (Wow, staying in the present is a work in progress!)
Focus on the ordinary. But is it ordinary or is it a shift in my thinking? I saw this question in an article about being the Good Girl and maintaining relationships: “Do the people you talk to on a regular basis reach out to you regularly to see how you’re doing and invite you to various things? Or are you the one who’s always texting or calling or planning first?” It continued with this advice: “Take a step back from being the one who always initiates contact and observe who reaches out and who doesn’t….. you’ll know which relationships to continue cultivating. Those who are worth keeping in your life will put effort into your relationship.” This week, I had two different friends reach out to me. And both made me feel so good, as I have been doing less reaching out and planning. And it’s been painful to see how I’m now not in contact with a number of people who I thought were friends. But, the present – a great catch-up call with an old friend and a delightful pre-birthday dinner and conversation with some newer friends – friends who appreciate me for who I am, not what I do. Both ordinary things (chats and dinner), but extraordinary in fact.
Changing my narrative. Creating the habit of focusing on the ordinary moments of the present. (Obviously a work in progress). Celebrating the small wins. Noticing those who appreciate me for me, and not for what I do. I am doing the work. Healing is happening.
All in all, a good week. An ordinary week. A work in progress week.
What ordinary acts did you find enjoyment in this past week?
Picture header – the second floor siding is almost complete on the house.
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I love the idea that a week can be good and ordinary, Pat. Staying in the present can be difficult for us over-thinkers, especially under your extraordinary circumstances. As for my week, I found joy in going to the gym and reading a good book…both ordinary and good activities for me.
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Christie, I’m in three book clubs because 1) I love the conversations and 2) it pushes me outside my comfort area on books. This week’s 2 books (2 different book clubs) were both challenges. I’m about halfway through the 2nd and finding all kinds of reasons to not pick it up to continue reading it! I will try and push through so I can join in the conversation at book club. But I don’t think it’ll be joyful experience. Perhaps the conversation about it will be!
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I find having dogs is a great reminder to live in the present. Seems you’re working on being mindful when you wander off into the future.
I agree about friendships. When I find myself doing all the contact and planning work, I step back. One old friend canceled our planned Zoom call at the last minute. She has not gotten in touch to reschedule, and it’s over a month later. Hmm.
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Eilene, It’s been hard to let go of a few of those “all my side” connections. But these days it is about where can I put my mental energy. And making choices about that means yes, go walk the dog! She is staring at me and so… off I go.
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Rome wasn’t built in a day certainly applies to house construction. I know it’s frustrating but you just have to roll with the punches as they say.
As to ordinary my week had a lot of that for which I am so grateful. It also had some extraordinary and a bit of bad but that’s how life goes.
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Isn’t that the truth – a week of the ordinary, the extraordinary, and a bit of bad. And we can just hope that bit of bad is only a little bitty bit!
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I love this post!
first of all, don’t beat yourself up for “being incompetent for not managing your project properly” because you are not the one in charge of managing the project. Your contractor is. You are working with him and the insane delays but this is not on you, or because of you.
I am incapable of looking at just this day. I’m always looking a week, 2 weeks ahead (especially because I pay bills for our company and there’s a cash flow crunch).
I will take this post and re-read it a few times to work towards that one day at a time, ordinary life.
I know you got this!
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Nancy, Even as I attempt to look at the ordinary and the present, I worry about the future. I know it’s not easy. But I am working on seeing the good moments and not letting the challenges get me down. We worked through two house things this weekend, and my GC actually called me on Sunday afternoon – he worked on the kitchen redesign all weekend (a cabinet size we had designed in no longer “exists”!), so this would not turn into another delay. I know he’s really trying to get us back into the house – some things are out of his control too. [Like companies stopping production of things with no warning.]
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Hi Pat – I think an ordinary everyday life is something to celebrate because it means that we’re living (relatively) free of drama and upset, we’re not dealing with any major health issues, we’re not hyping ourselves up or trying to perform for the audience. It’s a quiet and gentle way to live – and that suits me perfectly. I’m glad you’re pausing long enough to find those moments of joy too. x
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Leanne, It was helpful to focus on the ordinary happy moments and I’ve been trying to continue that focus this past week as well. Not that there has not been drama and upset (the tiles we had selected were sold out when we went to actually buy the tile! the kitchen had to be re-designed when our GC went to buy the cabinets as they no longer made the one size we needed! I was asked my POV on something at the garden club and then slammed for giving my POV on the topic!) , but I’ve been trying to breathe through it more. Finding moments of joy in the everyday is something I also did continue to do, too (I spent a morning walking at the beach, we did find new tile, we have completed drywall!). It’s helpful when I know others focus on the ordinary little joys as well as it makes me actively notice them.
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