3AM Tears

I woke early this morning in tears. And it took a bit to understand the why.  [This post is all about me, trying to work through those tears. Nothing at all about retirement transition, so feel free to move on! Why am I posting? In the hope that someone else knows that they are not alone with the waves of grief that loss hits you with. ]

I recently read about (another) blogging buddy’s choice to stop blogging.  And while I fully understand her rationale, it feels like another loss. I will miss her voice in the blog-o-sphere.  I will miss the inspiration she provided me with her approach to life’s challenges.  I will miss her insightful and supportive comments on my own life challenges. The loss made me think of other blogging buddies who have made the same choice, and how I still miss many of their voices, years later.

That was the start of the slide into thinking of loss. I started to think about other voices which are no longer in my life.  And these losses, the holes in my life, were the source of the tears.

• The local friends who have chosen to physically move away because of the hurricane challenge of where we live.  I miss their physical presence as they were ones I would say, “how about doing this?” and they’d be, “yes, let’s do it!”
• There are the physically-distant friends who my connections with seem to get further and further apart. I tended to be the instigator of those connections, and my mental load is just too much these days to try and make a connection happen.  But there are a couple of fractured friendships there that I just don’t have the mental energy to try and fix (and yes, that means apologizing as the fracture went both ways).
• I also struggle with mental load of creating social plans – the logistics and the tracking for larger gatherings, the reaching out to “sorry, I’m busy” for one-on-ones. So, my local physical connections are not happening either. More holes.
• There’s a dear friend who recently lost her fight against cancer. I recall having a conversation with her, as another cancer survivor, where she commented that every time she felt an unusual twinge in her body, she worried that her cancer was coming back. And yes, it did. Yes, I worry, too. I went to call her the other day; yes, I miss her voice.
• There’s my mom, who was the one I used to talk about all life’s challenges.  I miss her tremendously at times like these, when I’m down on myself.

And so, I’m feeling the losses; I’m feeling sad and lonely. Yes, there are others whose friendships I am developing, but there are still holes in my life. And this month is showing those holes on my calendar big time.  Yes, I know I am supposed to embrace the “time to just be”. But I also dislike the space we are in, for many reasons, so just being here is not a comfort. And the new house progress continues at a snail’s pace (absolutely no forward movement all week.)

I’m tired of being the strong one; tired of being the planner. I’m annoyed that all the work I’ve done on my mental health recovery (and all the steps I continue to take!), still leaves me feeling this way – feeling needy, lonely, weepy. And guilty, because my life is pretty good, who am I to complain?

Of course, the take-charge, resilient part of me took over with creating a list of “things to do to love yourself”. Because when I’m down on myself like this (feeling needy, lonely, guilty), I am certainly not liking, much less loving, myself.  It was a reminder of all the things I am doing. (My inner voice is screaming, “But why isn’t it working?” My response was just keep doing them!). It was a reminder that I need to give myself permission to be sad and the physical release of letting out tears can be a calming release of tension.

I will relook at my Jolts of Joy list and add something indulgent and rewarding to the June calendar. I will write out a gratitude list, celebrate my small wins, maintain boundaries I have established, and keep going to cardio drumming and yoga. I will consciously recognize that we are building and decorating our home in ways that feel authentic to us (even if it is taking longer than desired). I will try to have more patience with myself. And really, really try not to just take on additional distraction projects to fill the holes!

If you were to add something indulgent and rewarding to your June calendar, what would it be? 

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