Mentally Tired

The words showing up repeatedly in my morning journal these past few weeks were: scattered, frustrated, tired. I’m feeling mentally tired. I talked about mental load in a recent blog (link here – energy flow) and it really is weighing me down.

I looked at the list of items I’m juggling on the house build, and it’s over 30 things long. Lots of them are “follow-up on” to confirm things get done. Yes, our general contractor is meticulous on his focus on getting a quality execution, but he does not stay on top of things for scheduling. I knew this going in. There’s a quote that goes, “you can only have 2 of 3 things – cost, timing, quality.” We choose cost and quality this time. In the past, once we chose timing and quality (ouch on the cost!) and another time, cost and timing (never again; the timing was a lie). So, it was a choice, but the slowness is frustrating. Staying on top of things is mentally stressful. And yes, the length of time means I’m second-guessing decisions and making changes.

There is also the (inevitable?) things going wrong. Maybe it’s the dark cloud I feel is over my head, but once again, we’ve had build issues. The granite we selected, upon delivery to the fabricator showed signs of crumbling on the back side (the side you can’t see at the store). The fabricator rightly rejected it. We are back to square one on finding granite and selecting matching bath and kitchen tiles. Then, during the window installation, it was discovered that 2 of the windows were the wrong size. Or the opening for the window was the wrong size? Anyway, they don’t fit. Yes, it can be fixed; just another delay. And now, I’m second guessing if we need to pre-wire for a smart-home. Apparently, it’s the thing for resale. Not that we are thinking of selling soon, but still, it will happen at some point! Even with an elevator planned. I doubt this is our final home.

I struggle to celebrate the small steps forward. We have ordered appliances; we have selected floor tile. We (finally) got the irrigation system up and running (a saga unto itself) to save some of the landscaping. Half of the front yard grass is totally dead. But half is coming back. There are 19 windows installed (yes, there are 21 windows in the house!) and all the rough-in electrical, plumbing, mechanical is done (after 6 weeks of creeping forward; each subcontractor has so many jobs they are juggling).

On top of the house mental load, I’m still dealing with my club projects. While I am distancing myself from the drama and triggering elements, I still have sense of responsibility (I am still on the board of directors and an officer) to make sure things are happening. The organizing planner in me also gets her fingers into the planning and organizing.

And then there’s the health side of things. Hubby ended up in the hospital again (yes, twice in two months) with kidney stone complications. His recovery has been slow. My own recent testing has me dealing with a series of minor procedures (just some down time) and a mental challenge to deal with – I’ve got the same physical condition that my mom died from complications of. So that all adds to the mental load.

The natural pessimist inside me is alive and well. I’m focusing on all the negatives. My fuse is short as I blow up at every small thing going wrong. I’m being whiney. And feeling a bit hopeless. My putting positive psychology into practice has flown out the window (one of those open ones where the window didn’t fit – yes, pun intended). I really need an intervention!

So, how did your week go?

Picture: Some of the 19 windows!