The feeling of “mattering” is a new term I’ve recently been seeing a lot (probably due to a newly published self-help book of that title; nope, I have not read the book). I was especially intrigued as it relates to retirement fulfillment. I recently came across a new site – A Conscious Rethink – that has a number of intriguing articles. Mattering in retirement was one of those articles – link here.
Mattering means your actions and presence make a difference to others and the world around you. When you matter, people notice you’re there. They depend on you. Your contributions create real impact in their lives. You are being relied on for something and truly known.
Mattering means that if YOU specifically weren’t there, something would genuinely be lost. It is where and when are you chosen to do something because of who you are, rather than simply because you’re the only one willing to do it. It made me wonder, do I matter in the organizations/clubs I am in?
As I read about mattering, it reminded me that at one time I had said, “I want to be Norm” from Cheers. You know, having a place where everybody knows your name. That to me is a big part of mattering. You have someplace where you’re known, and missed if you’re not there. You make an impact on people. by being there. I never realized I had it while I was working, until I no longer had it! And it is something I genuinely still want today.
What are the elements of mattering? First, you feel noticed and acknowledged by others. Second, people depend on you in some way, they value what you bring. Third, you believe your actions make a genuine impact on the world around you.
What is interesting about mattering is it needs feedback – recognition and evidence that others notice and value what you contribute. Healthy mattering is mutual and reciprocal, not one-sided. You give and receive. You contribute and you’re appreciated, but you also accept and appreciate others’ contributions. This last bit (appreciate other’s contributions) made me wonder, am I providing enough “mattering” to others?
The idea of being valued for what you bring made me think of how I react when I don’t feel like I matter, when my efforts are not acknowledged or not valued. Do I speak up, “When you don’t notice my efforts, I feel invisible, and that really hurts.” Or do I passive-aggressively think, “Fine, see if I ever do anything for you again.” (Oops.)
Some additional insights of how mattering and the feeling of being valued shows up was insightful to me personally:
- Someone who values you will show concern when you express hurt, even if they didn’t realize they’d caused it. Someone who doesn’t value you will get defensive, make excuses, or turn the conversation around to your flaws. “I do appreciate you, you just don’t notice.” “You’re too sensitive.”
- Value can show up as intellectual appreciation – having your ideas taken seriously, being consulted on decisions, having your perspective respected, agreeing to your (well-thought-out) recommendations.
- Value can show up as autonomy appreciation – respect for your independence, being able to make certain decisions without needing permission.
As someone who wants to matter, who wants to be noticed, who will take on things they see need doing, and gets hurt when I perceive that what I contribute is not valued, these insights really hit home.
Do you feel that you matter? Do you feel that what you contribute is valued?
Picture: After two weeks of little progress on the house, we have some forward momentum again. This picture is our choice for the kitchen granite. We have also picked out faucets, sinks, the tub, and lighting. Final selection on kitchen and bathroom tile is next.
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I believe that “mattering” becomes more of a question as we get older. I bet that you did and I believe that I did when we were in our careers. We never even thought about it because we were sure we mattered. But after retiring, and “no one needs us any more”, the thought of mattering enters into our persons. I have wondered that often, sometimes becoming very sad that no one really needs me and sometimes rather joyful that no one really needs me. You matter! You will always matter!
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Thanks. I think this whole thing has hit me because in one of my clubs there is one person I am letting get under my skin and making me feel like I don’t matter. Seriously, one person….sigh. And I can say that you also matter. You are one of those folks in Cinci I seriously miss seeing! As soon as the house is done, I’m getting you to commit to a visit.
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I enjoyed this thoughtful piece, Pat. I believe people in general want to know that they matter and that what they bring to the table is appreciated. And it doesn’t always have to be specific actions that matter; sometimes it’s a personality trait or something about your character. Once I retired, one of my previous employees told me how much they missed me and she specifically said not just for the hard work I put in, but for the voice of reason I brought to the executive team and our department. Another time, my hairdresser told me how much he enjoyed my calming presence and that when he saw I was on the books later in the afternoon, he would block out his last appointment, so that he could go home on that peaceful feeling. I was genuinely surprised by that and felt so good. That compliment meant more to me than any compliment on a specific achievement. I truly felt like I mattered just because of who I am.
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What a fabulous thing for your hairdresser to tell you! And the fact he shared it, so wonderful. It makes me wonder how often we appreciate people for who they are, and not just for what they do. I’ll need to think about how I can do that more.
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I liked this piece on mattering. I get some nice feedback (generally outside my marriage). Like you, I hope I’m giving that enough to others. I’m sure we can all do more of it!
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It did make me think about how much I communicate to others that they matter to me! I’m trying to do it more.
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Cont’d from previous entry – Autonomy appreciation holds true for me. I believe it’s connected to an internal locus of control, doing something I think is of value whether I’m recognized for it or not. Joni Mitchell’s words are ringing in my ears – don’t it always seem to go that you don’t know what you’ve got ’til it’s gone. Some folks are so embedded in their own agendas that they just don’t recognize what’s happening around them.
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One of the woman at one of my book clubs sings the lyrics to songs whenever someone says them and then often the song is stuck in my head (and a smile is on my face as I love it). I totally missed the Joni Mitchell lyric, but now I’m singing it.
When we moved here to Florida, I “leaned in” as they say, and joined a few social groups. My desire to be “Norm in Cheers.” And now, I can recognize it. Someone commented today on something that happened 10 years ago, and when I said it was before my time, she was “I don’t think of you as a new-be, you’re so involved and do so much for us.” Lots of good feels happened today (our town’s Easter Egg Hunt which I helped run).
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Country singer, Loretta Lynn, responded to the question, “What are you doing now?” – just trying to matter. I related that to having a purpose & making an impact which I think is important in all chapters of life. Autonomy
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Love the granite choice. Best wishes with all the house decisions. I hated that when we built our house. I’m not good at visualizing what the final room is going to look like.
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Love the granite choice. Best wishes with all the house decisions. I hated that when we built our house. I’m not good at visualizing what the final room is going to look like.
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Love the granite choice. Best wishes with all the house decisions. I hated that when we built our house. I’m not good at visualizing what the final room is going to look like.
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Well, every house I’ve ever owned, I’ve painted the main rooms the same colors. So it’s going to be similar here. It’s harder with furniture for me. Last time we bought a couch it ended up being too big for the space, but we kept it anyway. I guess we were lucky in that we ended up not staying long in that space (the last Ohio downsized house when we decided to move to Florida, only had it 3 years!) and then sold the practically new couch. Hoping for a better size choice this time!
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Hi Pat – this was certainly ringing a few bells for me. I also like to feel valued – I don’t need to be acknowledged particularly in a general context, but I do like the idea of reciprocity and that those I care about also care about me. I won’t fight for it in a social situation, and if I don’t feel needed then I’m fine with stepping back and away. My focus these days is on connection with those I like and those I love – the rest holds less importance and I’m okay with that now.
So glad to see the house internals are coming together – it must be getting exciting now.
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Leanne, I’m coming to realize I need to just focus on where I feel valued (and there are places and people who make sure I feel valued!) and just distance myself from people who do not make me feel valued. And try not to feel guilty for that distancing.
House-wise, we are a month behind schedule because of things out of my control (once again). I was hoping for end of (our) summer. But we are picking out things like countertop granite and bathroom tile, so yes, that is exciting.
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