Mattering

The feeling of “mattering” is a new term I’ve recently been seeing a lot (probably due to a newly published self-help book of that title; nope, I have not read the book). I was especially intrigued as it relates to retirement fulfillment.  I recently came across a new site – A Conscious Rethink – that has a number of intriguing articles.  Mattering in retirement was one of those articles – link here.

Mattering means your actions and presence make a difference to others and the world around you. When you matter, people notice you’re there. They depend on you. Your contributions create real impact in their lives. You are being relied on for something and truly known.

Mattering means that if YOU specifically weren’t there, something would genuinely be lost.  It is where and when are you chosen to do something because of who you are, rather than simply because you’re the only one willing to do it.  It made me wonder, do I matter in the organizations/clubs I am in?

As I read about mattering, it reminded me that at one time I had said, “I want to be Norm” from Cheers.  You know, having a place where everybody knows your name. That to me is a big part of mattering. You have someplace where you’re known, and missed if you’re not there. You make an impact on people. by being there.  I never realized I had it while I was working, until I no longer had it! And it is something I genuinely still want today.

What are the elements of mattering? First, you feel noticed and acknowledged by others. Second, people depend on you in some way, they value what you bring. Third, you believe your actions make a genuine impact on the world around you.

What is interesting about mattering is it needs feedback – recognition and evidence that others notice and value what you contribute. Healthy mattering is mutual and reciprocal, not one-sided. You give and receive. You contribute and you’re appreciated, but you also accept and appreciate others’ contributions. This last bit (appreciate other’s contributions) made me wonder, am I providing enough “mattering” to others? 

The idea of being valued for what you bring made me think of how I react when I don’t feel like I matter, when my efforts are not acknowledged or not valued.  Do I speak up, “When you don’t notice my efforts, I feel invisible, and that really hurts.”  Or do I passive-aggressively think, “Fine, see if I ever do anything for you again.” (Oops.)

Some additional insights of how mattering and the feeling of being valued shows up was insightful to me personally:

• Someone who values you will show concern when you express hurt, even if they didn’t realize they’d caused it. Someone who doesn’t value you will get defensive, make excuses, or turn the conversation around to your flaws. “I do appreciate you, you just don’t notice.” “You’re too sensitive.”
• Value can show up as intellectual appreciation – having your ideas taken seriously, being consulted on decisions, having your perspective respected, agreeing to your (well-thought-out) recommendations.
• Value can show up as autonomy appreciation – respect for your independence, being able to make certain decisions without needing permission.

As someone who wants to matter, who wants to be noticed, who will take on things they see need doing, and gets hurt when I perceive that what I contribute is not valued, these insights really hit home.

Do you feel that you matter? Do you feel that what you contribute is valued?

Picture: After two weeks of little progress on the house, we have some forward momentum again. This picture is our choice for the kitchen granite. We have also picked out faucets, sinks, the tub, and lighting. Final selection on kitchen and bathroom tile is next.

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