Recently, a newly retired acquaintance commented how she feels bad that she doesn’t want to travel in retirement as that’s what seems to be expected. Unfortunately, the expectations for retirement remain the same for a newly retired professional – consult, travel, high-level volunteer (meaning be on a board of directors), and/or spend time with grandkids. Her comment made me realize that many of the things I thought I would do in retirement, I am NOT doing!
It’s hard to not do what is expected. I still get asked regularly, “Where are you traveling to this summer?” or “Are you volunteering somewhere?” Many of the expectations for retirees I tried and didn’t like. I tried the consulting gig. I tried the retirement life coach. I tried the travel, the snowbird lifestyle, the grant writing, the creative cooking.
I realized also that I did not know myself very well. Since I was a workaholic, I was very clear on who I was at the job. But I wasn’t sure if my values were mine or socially driven. I wasn’t sure if my strengths were acquired skills after 30 years or truly innate strengths. And I definitely was not sure what my true desires were. I went along with the expectations of what you “should do” in retirement because I had no idea what else to do! I talked about how “I started with the do what is expected”! in a blog post in 2019! Link here.
Looking back at this 2019 post, it’s a bit disheartening to know that the shoulds or expectations for retirement have not yet changed in the 10 years I’ve been retired. Here is what I wrote back then: “Here’s the list I was given to pick from: More engagement with your grandkids, Start a second career, Travel extensively, Increase your hobby engagement, Volunteer more, and Work out more.”
Except, I don’t have grandkids. I wasn’t engaged in any non-profit to suddenly volunteer more with, much less be on the Board of Directors. I took the classes to do grant writing, thinking to bring that skill to a non-profit, and realized it would not satisfy my writing desire (it was more about herding cats to get the right information). The consulting gigs I started (consultant as second career) dried up quickly as I wasn’t great at promotion to find new gigs. I took the classes and became a certified Retirement Life Coach (second career attempt number two). I learned a lot, but hated being a coach. I learned quickly that not only does hubby hate to travel, I wasn’t that fond of it either. I had no hobbies to increase engagement and that hobby expectation in retirement often included turning your hobby into an income stream (again second career thinking!)
There are so many possibilities for what you could do in retirement, even beyond the should do. But how did I even narrow down what to try on after I went through the “should”?
I spent quite a bit of time figuring out who I was. Not the work Pat. Not the society and family “conditioned” Pat. The true authentic Pat. The fact I love all those personality types of things helped. I explored defining my core values, understanding my strengths (VIA Strengths still a favorite tool here), understanding my innate personality (I like both Enneagram and Myer-Briggs), and thinking about the current archetypes I’m living (I did both Pearson-Marr Jungian archetypes – good descriptions here and a women’s focused exploration – blog here). I brainstormed things that fit my strengths and challenged myself if I was really interested in things that came up as possibilities. I “tried on” a lot of things.
I was definitely interested in being active and tried on different approaches to physical activity and mini-adventures. I was definitely interested in connections and continue to work different approaches to intentional connections even now. Accepting the concept of “engagement not mastery” allowed me to become a dabbler in crafting, a new hobby and no, not an income source. Exploring the Science of Well-being and Positive Psychology (love of learning!) helped me create a lifestyle that I am very happy with. Volunteering came about organically as I focused on my interests.
I’ve talked about how for many of us, retirement transition is a process. All this who am I understanding took time. I called this the REFLECT portion of my Retirement Transition process (link to blog about REFLECT here – and link to my Retirement Transition book here for the full process) and I came back to “who am I” multiple times (part of my REFINE). Trying things on after exploring who I was and the possibilities that fit me (IMAGINE and ASSESS in my process – Link to blog about ASSESS here ) took time, as I explored things in multiple life domains (an update on Life Domains here and here.
I’ve recently reviewed my core values, strengths, and personality traits. I wanted to see if after living in retirement for a number of years had shifted anything. Was the current Pat different than the recently retired Pat? I have shifted a bit, more towards an authentic me versus a career-based me. I’ve worked to allow my intuitive self to emerge, to shift self-limiting beliefs, to release perfectionism, and to accept myself. All those are still works in progress. My retirement lifestyle vision remains:
Active Body, Connected Heart, Creative Spirit, Contemplative Mind.
I’m come to realize that when you align your life activities around your core values, core strengths and real interests, you ARE living your life purpose! Not living the life you think you should be living, but living your real authentic life, a full and vibrant life. It’s still a challenge when I’m faced with the retirement should’s (No, we have no plans to travel this year and that is perfectly OK, even if every time I’m asked that, I feel that slightly not-good-enough feeling.). But I’m learning to accept that my retirement lifestyle is vibrant and full, not what I expected, and uniquely mine.
Is your retirement lifestyle similar to how you thought it would be, however long ago you retired? Do you have expectations for your retirement lifestyle if you are heading into it?
picture credit: mine – cactus in bloom, even with the storm!
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This might be my favorite Pat post ever. I really like the Pat you have uncovered since retirement. You went about rediscovering yourself so intelligently with the personality tests, trying different things, realizing that working Pat is not the same person as retired Pat. I was a workaholic, too. And loved my job. I had no idea who I was when I was no longer Leslie the librarian. Add to that, my lonely empty nest and some health problems that kept me from feeling my best and I was LOST.
PC has been retired about 3 weeks now. I was sure we would have strangled each other by now but so far, so good!! We are writing, which is something we both want to do, and exercising more, traveling but not really for pleasure, just some family commitments. Next year I hope we can budget for some fun travel. I am still subbing a little and doing my kitty sitting. I am hoping he will find an all-season hobby in the near future to fill in when baseball season ends. But we are doing ok.
I am going to take a couple of the tests again that you provided the links for. I have done Myers-Briggs many times. Thinking I have gone from an Enneagram 1 to a 2 or maybe even something else all together.
Thanks for this thought provoking post. You have done so well figuring out and maneuvering through the first years of retirement. I think you are headed for your best years yet.
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Thanks Leslie! It’s nice to see you back writing as well.
Enneagram, I’m a 1 myself. But with a 9 wing, not a 2 wing. If you get into Enneagram, there’s also a stress and thrive link for each. For a 1, Stress is 4 and Thrive is 7… and yes, that describes me to a “t”! I’d have to delve into 2…let me know if you’d like me to – send me an email (I’m pretty sure you’ve got mine). This is my Sage (teacher) archetype coming out! LOL.
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A great post Pat. Theres a lot of pressure even in retirement to”perform”. I always hear the travel comment when I talk about what I’m doing — as if it’s not enough — and then have to explain why I’d like to but can’t right now. I think we’re explorers on this path and open to how life flows, trying new things, all with an eye towards expressing and sharing who we are now. I take a lot of the shoulds now with a grain of salt although I envy those who can travel because I want to do more soon. As to “is that all there is?” — I prefer to ask myself is this all I want/need. Great post and many thanks
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Thanks Judi. I think travel will continue to be an area I struggle with. I was reading this weekend about the balance between having a dream and what you are willing to endure to achieve it. Right now, the anxiety of the planning and actual travel outweighs the dream I have to visit some places. Perhaps in the future that balance will shift. I’m learning to be okay with being a homebody! There’s so much more I’m engaged in because I am here all the time.
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Pat, I really enjoyed your post (and the comments!). My hubby and I get almost shamed by our friends for not doing their version (the expected version) of volunteering/traveling. I’m enjoying having my day to myself and find myself getting anxious and annoyed if I have too much planned. Maybe that will change once I have more retirement time under my belt. Thanks again for the insight, I think it strikes a cord with a lot of us!
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Nancy, I totally feel the “shame”; it’s hard to be different than the crowd. I wish I had a great retort for you to give them! I’ve got many years of retirement under my belt and I still enjoy the quiet days. Of course, I am a planner, so I probably have more full days than you’d like, but hubby….if he has more than one thing planned a week, it’s a big week!
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3rd try? Is your retirement lifestyle similar to how you thought it would be, however long ago you retired?
My intended retirement: do what I want, when I want, if I want. So yes! I retired at 58 , RN burnout. I was exhausted, frustrated, making no headway in quality working once again for corporate healthcare where what my team knows best doesn’t matter. I had to walk away. I promised myself an empty calendar for 5 months to be certain I was ready to give up my license.
Then….Covid. 4 concerts cancelled. 3 trips cancelled. Then year 2, my second knee replaced.
I’m off and running…well walking. I average 7m/day. I read. I sew/quilt. I travel with the USA being my focus. As an immigrant I want to see MY country. I must say though, the Paris Olympics kinda makes me want to go see it all for myself???? We’ll see.
I have moments of “is this all there is?”. I don’t think it’s internal but rather, external. “what do you DO?” seems so common. This country programs us for full calendars. I like mine empty. I like to respond to a text or call “can you do lunch today” at the last minute. I’m your girl 🙂
It’s good to explore options. It’s good to consider satisfaction over time. I hope we arrive, in this country, at a place where full calendars and exhaustion aren’t the standard. It is so screwed up.
Happy Monday ya’ll! 🙂
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Elle, Back when we were traveling on our vacations from work, we did a lot of the US. I had the goal of visiting all 50 states, and did it. Lots of National Parks as we are not city people. You are correct that this country is amazing to see! I also traveled a lot internationally while working, but that was work with minimal tourist stuff. There are some places I’d like to visit, but the planning and dealing with hassle of travel is just too daunting for me at the moment. There are some moments I wonder like you, “is this all there is”. And then I look at my life – doing things I love to do with a balance of activities and quiet time. And I have to say – Not bad if this is all there is!
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Hello Pat. What a wonderful post! It certainly made me think about my own retirement.
A few years ago, after COVID, I had finally enough of work. I liked what I did but in the end, I was burnt out. I decided to just quit. Quit work. Quit social media and try and find a new direction.
I’ve not reached retirement age yet but when I was really truthful with myself, I enjoyed just being a “lifelong learner”. I never wanted to work for someone else ever again. As someone with no kids, or grandkids, I’ve been lucky to have done so many things in my life that now, I wonder, “what’s next?”
I’ve come to the conclusion that I simply like the freedom of my life; to be able to wake up every day and choose what I want to do – or do nothing at all. I’d love to travel more and wait for my husband to retire. My aim is to look after my health, look after my parents, play a bit of golf and learn French and read books. Make my space at home in my garden a nice space to relax. That’s it. I don’t have any other goals anymore.
I think retirement is what we each make it. I’ve been lucky to have done a lot of interesting things through my life so now, why not enjoy just being at home or enjoying my own town as a new and exciting place to discover!
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Helen, When we moved, I created a “tourist in my own town” list of things to explore, since we were new to the area. (Yes, I’m a major list maker!) I really enjoyed getting to know this town, and yes, I enjoy just being at home a lot too – from puttering in the garden to doing crafts, reading and crosswords, my regular cardio classes, an occasional lunch date, exploring a personal research project. Not at all what I imagined when I retired (earlier than many at 53!), and that’s I think my big aha. It’s not at all what I thought I’d be doing!
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Went to my 50th HS reunion last night. Not surprisingly, several were recent retirees. So the topic? Travel plans. River cruises, transatlantic cruise, trip to Antartica. They were shocked hubby and I had no travel plans outside the US. Good for them, and for us since we simply do not enjoy traveling. I am curious. Now that you have been retired for a bit, would it change your book at all since you wrote it early into retirement? For the me the lesson is, there is no hurry. Don’t be in a rush to plan your retirement. It’s a slow process. Completely opposite of the time driven demands of the jobs we all retired from.
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I’m not sure I’d change anything in the book. I still use many of the tools and have in the retirement transition process a “refine” re-loop. So, I’ve refined my vision/plan many times! Going through it at the early time helped start me on a path, and then refining that path multiple times, still using many of the same tools, has helped.
Someone at my crafting group this morning talked about going to Antartica on her next trip. Is that going to be the newest “must go” place? For her, it was the last continent to visit…so kinda bucket list for her.
It’s the “shock” you’re not traveling that’s kinda hard to deal with… I feel like an oddity, that I’m not “doing it right”. It’s nice to learn others are in same camp…makes me feel less that I’m doing it wrong!
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Hi Pat, I’m a little over two years retired and I think I’m starting to settle into my version of retirement. I’m spending more time with my hobby of quilting (no it’s not an income source) and I’m reading/listening to a lot more books. I do still enjoy traveling but not for long periods of time. We went to Aruba in April for 14 days and that was just too long being away from the comforts of home (and my own bed!). Each day I’m getting closer to how I thought retirement would be especially now that I’m learning to let go of what everyone else thinks retirement should look like. I still have those moments of FOMO (fear of missing out) when I hear about things other retirees are doing, but I guess that’s normal 😂
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Sharon, The FOMO is normal, especially if they are in a place you have any inkling of wanting to visit. I have a number of places I’d like to visit still, but the hassle of travel – from planning to actually getting places and then the crowds to deal with – outweigh the desire and prevent me from starting the plan. Maybe that will change in the future. So yes, I get twinges (“moments”) when I see people visiting places I’d like to visit. Think its going to be an ongoing push-pull for me!
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Hi Pat – I totally get everything you’ve said. I feel like we did a lot of the “stuff” before we retired – we did a reasonable amount of travel, volunteered in more than one area, tried different hobbies, interacted with our adult kids and grandbabies, etc etc. Now that we’ve both retired it seems like there aren’t any boxes we want to tick – the travel one is a awkward for us too – everyone seems to be heading overseas (and catching covid on the way home!) but there’s nowhere we want to go, we see the grandgirls every couple of months but it’s not a big item for us, I haven’t volunteered anywhere since my hip issues and can’t find anything that calls to me as a need I could help out with.
It seems like I’m at home on vacation permanently atm and I actually enjoy not having plans and a schedule. I really liked your “when you align your life activities around your core values, core strengths and real interests, you ARE living your life purpose!” I think we get overly caught up in those ‘should’s’ and forget that we can just do our own thing in our own time and tune out the peanut gallery. Here’s to being home! 🙂
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Leanne, The travel one is tough for me as there are still places I would like to see, but the hassle of travel outweighs that desire right now. Fortunately I live in a place I love (even in crazy weather) and have a home I love. Travel might come into play at some point again, but not right now.
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Yes, well, I tried to reply but WordPress rejected me. The gist of it: Thanks for being my de facto retirement coach. I retired and opted for a snowbird life just before the pandemic set in. Nonetheless, I
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Sorry about the WordPress glitches. Now that I’ve approved a comment from you, it might go more smoothly. Where do you snowbird?
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