I saw this question in an essay on friendship: “If you disappeared from their life for a month, would they miss you specifically? Not just what you do for them, but you.” And it made me think about things both ways – who am I missing, specifically, and have I been missed, specifically.
I’ve drifted apart from some people because I just got tired of always being the instigator, with hardly any reciprocation. I’ve also intentionally distanced myself in some relationship connections, and let others go completely, because the individual just hurt me with their comments. Other relationships have slipped away simply because of distance – there is just no proximity to help maintain the relationship. And this question about friendship made me ask about all of these “disappearances in my life” – do I miss them, specifically? And in some cases, the answer is, yes.
I miss the substantive conversations and common language I had with some people who are gone out of my life. I miss the way C was up for almost anything – my “hell, yeah” girl-friend. She was the one who pushed me to publish my book! I miss the easy camaraderie I had with R and how she was one who regularly did reciprocal planning. I miss the sharing of new restaurant experiences with L&A, M&S, and later with S&T.
And then I wondered – have I been missed? And that was a sobering moment as believe with most of those relationships, the answer is , no. And so, I will grieve the losses (a bit more still for some) and then work to move on.
I’ve also considered stopping an activity that I’m currently doing that adds stress with minimal positive feedback. Would anyone miss me specifically if I stopped showing up? Or would they just miss what I do, my usefulness? Because I am the one who does things, often behind the scenes. And I do get satisfaction from being useful!
I am working on building substantive conversation connections locally and on finding some people who will share new restaurant experiences. It’s one of my “action steps” as I move into the post-hurricane stage in our new home. And I do hope these connections turn into friends that would miss me specifically if I disappeared for a month!
What’s your reaction to that question? Do you have relationships where if you disappeared from their life for a month, would they miss you specifically?
P.S. House recovery update. Forward momentum is happening. I was excited to see the patio ceiling finally complete – that was the slowest worker team at the house yet. We have the HVAC installed, and electricians have been putting in switches, lights, and ceiling fans. It’s starting to look like livable rooms!
Outside, landscaping was able to continue although the truck did sink up to its axle in the mud, literally. (picture is post hole)
We’ve finalized shower doors and have been talking with shade and blinds people. This next week has a number of milestones planned including granite counter tops, elevator install, and garage doors. Fingers crossed we keep forward momentum
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Hi Pat – how lovely to see your house progressing so well – you must be smiling every day as you see things being ticked off the list.
As far as the friendship question goes, I’ve released a lot of ‘friends’ over the last decade, and any friendships or commitments that I hold onto are ones where I feel invested – people and things that help fill my cup, rather than causing me to feel like it’s all on my side. I find I’m able to step back more easily these days and let things go that don’t feel like a good fit. It’s quite liberating to say “enough” and to not be dependent on outside validation.
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So, I’m here to tell you that YOU are missed! I miss all the things we did and how much fun we had doing them!!!!! Will I be missed? I like think there are a few that will really miss me…….maybe not many but a couple few!!!
Yay on the house progression!!!
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