Pulling Myself Up… Authentically?

When I was thinking that the “light at the end of the tunnel” keeps getting smaller, I recalled someone recommended to look how far we have come versus how far we still have to go. Unfortunately, when I look back, I only see how long the journey has been and how many slowdowns we have had. However, in the whole journey, there has always been a light at the end of the tunnel. In my life, I have experienced a time when there was no light there (for months on end), so I recognize that this is important to remember.  And in remembering that I can see that light, however small it might be, I’m pulling myself up that ladder again (see last post, link here). Mixing metaphors I know!

A few moments this week on those ladder rungs:

• Oddly, June 28^th has always felt like a special date for me.  It was the day I started my career back in 1982. And then, for much of my career 6-28-82 was my phone extension. We got paid on the 28^th of the month, and so the 28^th of any month still has a positive vibe to it! But June 28^th for 32 years was a milestone day for me. And so today I have that residual positive feeling.
• This week, we did get options for the latest house build issue.  No cost for them yet, but all three will “work” and each has pros and cons. And since we have the options, we can proceed with the build, and stucco (outside) and drywall (inside) have been (re)scheduled to begin. We also resolved the granite issue. The train is moving slowing ahead in that tunnel again.
• There were 2 lovely dinners with friends this week. I cardio drummed and went to yoga. I went to one book club and finished reading the book for my next book club. I had an impromptu solo shopping date and dealt with two health care appointments. I pulled weeds at the house (a never-ending and very hot task). And I checked off one of my “bucket list” items – kayaking through the mangrove tunnels at Weedon Nature Preserve.  So, I am getting back to a weekly blend of my retirement lifestyle vision statement: active body, connected heart, contemplative mind, creative spirit.  And celebrating each of those small accomplishments.

My latest contemplation space has been about the difference between performance and authenticity.  I touched on this last week with the statement “when we consistently act (perform) in ways that contradict who we believe ourselves to be”.  Performance was the bad actor and authenticity was the good actor.  And of course, my good-girl self very much wanted to NOT perform, but to be authentic!

This week the idea popped up again about being authentic (your true, values-aligned self) versus performing (your fake-it-till-you-make-it, calculated or curated, false self).  This was a big element in the book I just finished reading, as well as a topic in a different book club conversation. The perception that performance was not being truthful, that it was fake (not authentic), that it was bad.

But then there was the aspect of how much “authenticity” do you share.  I even felt a twitch when I saw this quote “Share your truth! (But make sure it’s inspiring).”  We say that authenticity is to be praised (the good actor), but then get negative comments when someone shares that they are authentically struggling.

But I liked the idea that performance means considering how your actions/words affect others. That performance means showing up as the person you want to be – perform the kindness, curiosity, compassion, patience, or confidence until it becomes your default mode.

So, I am back to thinking about being the good girl and performing in ways that I want to be.  Accepting that I will not be accommodating when that means my own needs are not being met, nor having to be the peace-keeper. I will accept compliments, maintain boundaries, and celebrate my accomplishments. Maybe those are the “bad girl” characteristics I take on – not the break-the-law, land-in-jail bad girl ones!  I will express my authentically messy, always overthinking, and reliable good girl self… and try to be more patient with the delays and more compassionate when I tend to be “too hard on myself”!

Pulling myself up that ladder, rung by rung. Or this week, weed by weed and stroke by stroke.

How was your week?

Photo: credit to one of the ladies I paddled with!

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