Emotional Regulation Continued

Because I am looking at articles about emotional regulation and setting boundaries in toxic environments, my social media feed continues to populate with these types of articles (thank you, algorithms).  I was also encouraged to (re)read The Four Agreements. You would think I’d read everything there is to know about this topic by now!  But there’s been some “hmm’s” this week. Concepts that made me think a bit more deeply.

• Can we really see who we truly are?  We live our lives with conditioned reactions, trying to satisfy societal & family expectations that were ingrained in us for years. We learned to live that way for fear of being rejected, not accepted as our true selves, or even punished for being other than what was expected. That is our performance self. After years of living (performing) that way, do we even know who the true self is anymore? The image of myself continues to be what I believe I should be!  The good girl, the responsible one, the independent one, the smart one. True self or performance self?
• Some things are so deeply encoded. One of my core beliefs is, “If I am useful enough, I will not be abandoned/rejected.”  This deep belief shows up in everything I do – from the responsible one juggling the mental load of the home rebuild, to the designated planner in my friend’s group, to the one who will set up and take down an event, to the one who sees something needs to be done and does it (and then sometimes gets yelled at for “being out of your lane”).  I can recognize the source – the repeated childhood message, “If you see something that needs to be done, do it.” It’s such a part of me I am not sure how to let it go! Do I even want to let it go? If I’m not useful, not the good girl, not the responsible one, who am I?
• In a listing of signs of emotional overwhelm, I had a checklist of 7 of 8. Not the type of checklist to celebrate. The 3AM wake-up scenarios continue, the easy tears continue, the tight neck and jaw muscles continue. The ever-present irritability that I try hard not to let escalate. Even the lack of motivation to do some of the things I know will bring me joy!  I read all the ways to ease the overwhelm – focus on gratitude, give yourself space to be, add in more connection to nature, use the breath. So, “doing the work” continues. I feel like I’m doing everything right, but still not getting the outcome I want!

There were some slight wins this week.

• Hubby and I had a day trip this week to Mote Aquarium in Sarasota. I am glad I continue to plan our monthly “museum days” as they are a much-needed break from everything. The new aquarium space is very glitzy, and was quite crowded. It’s also next door to a huge shopping mall, which I’ll need to plan in on our next trip there!
• We have a plan in place for the final granite choice for the kitchen (it involves some double checking on quality).  Of course, that granite shopping trip was a disaster as I cut the corner into the parking lot (distracted going to a new place) and completely blew out my jeep tire. I’m trying hard to not beat myself up for that mistake. 
• I am (trying to) not taking it personal (new approach for me, confirmed with reread of The Four Agreements).  I could find no-one to go to an event I wanted to go to this weekend, but it is not about personal rejection.  And, I will not beat myself up for not finding the motivation to do it myself. (There is that lack of motivation!)
• We have a “mostly passed” house framing inspection; a few minor things to correct. Unfortunately, the Building Codes have a lot of leeway for interpretation, which the last inspector was realistic in pointing out! I recognize I have no control over the fact that the framers who are redoing some of that correction work have not shown up for 3 days running.  However, the insulation installation team did show up, so there is forward progress on something this week.

Small steps forward. Treating myself with more compassion. Focus on the positive. Doing my best.

Have you identified some of the core beliefs that drive your actions? Do you have a sense of your true self? 

Picture: I was ducked in cardio drumming slass this week – another bright spot!

Copyright © 2026 retirementtransition.blog – All rights reserved.