I was asked if I was excited about getting the house build permit. But it wasn’t a feeling of excitement. It was a feeling of relief. Finally, we could move forward. I’m not sure why I feel guilty for not feeling excitement. Is it because I’m not meeting the expectation that I should feel excitement?
There was also a feeling of relief in our trip to Washington DC. Relief that nothing major went wrong. Relief that my planning wasn’t over planned (like Sedona) nor under planned (like NOLA). Relief that the flights all worked out, that I figured out the metro, and we saw/did most of what I hoped to see/do. Again, relief was the feeling more than satisfaction or happiness.
The experience of relief of avoiding negative outcomes versus the feeling of joy in the positive things that happened. The experience of relief that the stress of not having a permit was over versus the joy in moving forward. I started to wonder if my relief was a sign of emotional numbness! But I’m certainly feeling negative emotions.
I’m also feeling the need to hide… hide from what’s happening in my city, in my country. Hide from other people’s successes which make me feel less than. Hide from criticism on the distraction projects I’ve undertaken this summer, which triggers my feeling of incompetence. Even hide from any possible critical comments on posting a blog about feelings. Hiding away is another sign of emotional numbness, an avoidance of more possible stress.
Emotional numbness is apparently a way that one’s brain tries to help lower the amount of internal stress one is experiencing. A quite natural place to be as I am still on the roller coaster of emotional healing with on-going stresses. While we did get a build permit, during the first step (putting in pillars) we discovered that the survey of our property was done incorrectly. Re-loop, delay. Stress.Tears.
And then there’s my feeling angry and guilty for being envious as other’s home repair and home build project’s progress. I know I need to (dare I say should?) be happy for other people’s progress in their recovery, but all I can think is, “Why are we not moving forward? I obviously missed something. What did I do wrong?”
Relief, avoidance, anger, guilt, incompetence.
I know there is no wrong or right way to manage through emotional recovery, no timeline for healing. I need to stop judging my feelings, just allow them to be. Accept the relief, the avoidance, the anger, the guilt. It’s OK to have these feelings.
Accepting the negative feelings is a challenge when I’ve spent many years in my retirement transition working on positivity, working on shifting from being pessimistic to being optimistic, working on finding joy in each day. I am not a failure for accepting that I am having negative feelings.
But even as I am accepting the feelings, I need to stop comparing our progress to others. I need to accept where we are at the moment and believe it will all work out (eventually). I need to look for the positives. We did have a great trip to Washington DC, seeing the memorials and museums I wanted to visit. We do have a build permit and a great general contractor who is working through the issue. We will have an amazing home at some point.
I have this quote in my journal (and of course didn’t put the source), but it’s one I need to repeat:
“Resilience isn’t about being tough or never falling. It’s about being tender enough to feel, courageous enough to keep seeking the light, and brave enough to get back up, even when every fiber of your being wants to stay down.”
And so, this week, I’m trying to be tender enough to accept the feelings I’m feeling, courageous enough to keep looking for the positives, and brave enough to keep going out and about, even when I want to hide away.
Thanks for allowing me to share these feelings and give myself a pep-talk!
Picture credit: a Candlelight concert we went to last week.
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It’s encouraging to read how you’ve begun to process what’s happened in your personal life and our country’s life. I imagine we all are suffering on some level from emotional numbness now and the reality is, as you said, “I am not a failure for accepting that I am having negative feelings.” A good thought I’m going to cling to.
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Ally, Unfortunately I’m avoiding the news more and more because I just cannot deal with it emotionally. Which scares me because I do not want to be one of those who did nothing as everything goes to h-ll. But right now, my personal trauma needs me to do this and I’m trying to not feel like a failure about that too.
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I’m reading a book called, “High Functioning: overcoming your hidden depression and reclaim your joy” by Dr. Judith Joseph. I might have found it through my Katie Couric newsletters. I’m highlighting the heck out of the book.
I really relate to your feeling of relief rather than excitement or “joy” on the building permit and your feeling of “relief” that the trip went well. For me, it was usually a “let’s get this trip over so I can go back to my normal routine (of being in the office working)”.
AI overview says, Anhedonia is the inability or reduced ability to experience pleasure or interest in activities that were once enjoyable. Also that it is a core symptom of depression but can also occur in anxiety.
It’s a feeling of “meh”. For me, if I feel that excitement or joy or accomplishment, the other shoe is going to drop. So if I don’t show or feel that positive feeling, there can’t be a let down.
Well, that’s just my Monday morning armchair therapist session 😂
I hope you are able to find the joy in your accomplishments big or small. ❤️
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I’ve put that book on my “TBR pile” which is kinda a “to be purchased pile” as not much space to keep books at the moment. And I am trying to find joy in the small things… I paused last night and just looked at the moon in the clear sky. We are on another small trip (to a wedding) and hubby was very supportive of the planning I did and didn’t do. I’m feeling a bit more happiness than relief so far (although still 3 days to go on this small trip!). Maybe just awareness is helping.
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I think awareness does help! I’m also talking to myself to acknowledge what I’m feeling when I get angry because it’s usually something other than pure
Anger. It’s a really good book!
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Hi Pat – I loved that quote about resilience – it’s so much more than just bouncing back after a letdown. I think you’re doing remarkably well as you work your way through the huge aftermath of what you experienced (and continue to experience). This isn’t a “one and done” kind of thing, it’s emotional hit after emotional hit – and when you’re a linear person and your ducks aren’t lining up, it’s very hard to keep herding them day after day after day.
That emotional numbness you mention reminds me of when I went through an emotionally exhausting period and I felt like I needed a wall around my soul – like a secret garden to retreat to because I didn’t want to expose myself to any more upset and pain. Eventually the wall came down, but protecting ourselves as best we can when life is really hard, is better than becoming bitter or just giving up. Carry on – you’ve got this – and I’m rooting for you. x
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Leanne, Really appreciate the metaphor of a secret garden to retreat to with a wall around it. You are right that this ordeal just keeps going on and on. It’s definitely slow progress, two steps forward and one step back. I do keep pushing on, but there are days that it is so hard to see the positive. Gratitude journaling and re-reading the supportive messages from friends (near and far – like you!) are two things that do help. I just keep chugging along…maybe I’m just too stubborn to give up!
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