In the early days of my retirement, I read about the concept of morning pages in Julia Camerson’s The Artist Way. In the way of many things in retirement, I “tried it on.” It stuck. I’ve been an avid morning journal writer ever since. My morning journal time has become almost necessary to my well-being – it is meditative, reflective, self-validating, and often a space for the seeds of a blog post.
This morning however, I found myself writing, “I sound like a broken record.” As I work though my post-hurricane healing journey, I am finding myself impatient to be done, to be healed. I’m still having melt-downs, but at least I can recognize the hurricane-related triggers. But I am also still pondering on some of the negative thought patterns I’ve had for years. And that made me say, you’re a broken record on this topic. Why have you not broken out of that negative thought pattern yet?
I know the process of shifting negative thought patterns. First, recognize the thought. It always starts with awareness! Challenge the reality of the thought; is it truly valid? Then replace it with a positive and realistic thought. Use that evidence-based positive thought as a regular affirmation.
I know the process works. After my breast cancer treatment, I successfully used this process to work on my body image.
So why am I still bemoaning friendship, belonging, worthiness in my morning journal? Why do I continue to feel unworthy for being on the periphery of friend circles? Why do I worry I’m on no-ones first call list for planning/doing something? Why do I feel like an outsider because I can’t join in the conversation (never did it, never will)? Why do I worry about my contribution’s worthiness in an organization?
As I think back on that positive statement on body image, it was not an idealistic “I love my body,” but an “accept what is reality” statement. “They might not be anywhere close to being balanced in size, shape, or location, but a least they are smaller.” Maybe I need statement about friendship and belonging that is more accept what is reality!
Over a year ago, I had written about trying to shift my mindset about a girl tribe, the inner circle friend fantasy (link here). I told myself to focus on accepting and valuing the casual friends I have in my life. And to work on cultivating a couple of closer friendships (link here). Of course, life happened (that damn double hurricane) and I’m beginning to realize that my mindset shift and cultivation focus didn’t fully happen.
So, I need to find an accept-the-reality of the situation, positive affirmation about friendship and belonging. An acceptance of the wonderful casual friendships I do have. An acceptance of the reality that I am good at things I do and that does bring value.
“I might not be part of any inner circle, but I enjoy the time I spend with my casual friends and that’s more important. I am a positive influence on others.”
Does not feel quite right yet, but I will restart the negative thought pattern shift process again. I will stop the broken record. It all starts with awareness!
Is there a negative thought pattern that you have had to work hard on shifting?
Picture: A park walk this week.
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In your examples, perhaps acceptance equates to gratitude? Maybe that type of wisdom is a benefit of aging. Perhaps as we age it is easier to set our bars a little lower?
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I’ve often been told to “lower the bar” and I continue to struggle with that concept. I’m hoping I can accept what is, but still hope for meeting the bar. I think in this case its making sure it is not a bar based on fantasy, but one set in reality.
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Eilene, I meant Melanie Tonia Evans.
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My comment regarding Melanie Tonia Evans was a reply to Eilene Lyons.
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I too am an aficionado of morning pages, where I am currently tackling philosophical concepts from the Stoics and Dr. Wayne Dyer’s version of the Tao te Ching. It has helped me a lot.
Sometimes I wonder if the TV shows we grew up with gave us an unrealistic idea about friendships (and many other things!). I just strive to be a good friend and hope others will. But there is no “bestie” in my life (unless you count dogs).
Thought pattern problems tend to revolve around the issue of being married to a narcissist. But the philosophy has really helped turn that around. And just finally understanding what such personality disorders are about.
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Have you read posts or heard about Tonia Melanie Evans?
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I have not read her. My intent is not to end the relationship, though.
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Eilene, I tried reading the Tao te Ching awhile back and found it too challenging for me at the time. I’m thinking right now might not be best time either, but when I start to unpack, it will be interesting to see if that book survived the flood. Many books did not, but I can’t recall where on the book shelves that book was!
Oh, and I do think the TV shows gave unrealistic ideas about friendship. Hence my focusing on letting go of the fantasy of friendship. Some people might have that bestie from forever, but not having one does not make me less than.
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I’ve been reading Dr Wayne Dyer’s interpretation of the Tao. His title is “Change Your Thoughts, Change Your Life.” It’s more accessible than trying to understand o. Your own.
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Write new stories, let go of the old. I’ve heard versions of this for years. And sometimes that is what is required for us to get off the broken record on repeat. Letting go isn’t easy but it’s possible.
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Letting go of a fantasy, accepting what is. A reminder I needed to restart the work.
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I agree with Leanne’s comment about accepting what you actually have until you are ready to handle more. I would like to have more intense friendships but since I have limited energy I have to accept what I have now and that’s ok. Thank you for sharing! Be kind to yourself!
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I was working on accepting the reality of my friendships about a year ago, and have realized I still need to work on the acceptance. It’s hard to also realize I’ve pretty much lost a year with this whole hurricane mess! But I will look forward, and work on acceptance!
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Friend, please know you are not alone! You’re dealing with a lot! And the progress is slow! If not stagnant. I’m so impressed that you can continued to write your blog and work on yourself. Keep it up!!
I’m that fringe friend as well. I don’t really know why but I’m a fringe friend in several groups. I let myself be ok with that years ago. I really think it has to do with being an extraverted introvert. I like my lone time. I always enjoy my friends but I’m never the one that instigates things.
And if it makes you feel any better, I’ve been a serious funk for several weeks and truth is, I don’t really want to come out of it. I’m mad at the world. And I don’t have anything going on to be mad about. Hormones???? Who knows??? We could have a serious discussion about this one.
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Thanks for the chat this week. It was helpful to hear how you accepted being the fringe friend and really made me realize that I too am not the girls-going-out-every-night-tribe person. My next post continues my journey of accepting what is as far as letting go of the fantasy, a fantasy that is not really authentic to me too.
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So much to consider; thanks for sharing. My doubts, self & otherwise, come & go, but I’m usually able to banish negativity with getting occupied in something else. Writing is my go-to solution, especially writing optimism when I begin to feel negative.
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Fran, You reminded me that writing is one of my go-to areas of distraction and I have been a bit remiss is writing. I noticed even my morning journal writing has even been shorter than before. I might not write all optimism but writing does help me sort out my mind! I need to reach for pen and paper next time I’m spiraling into self-doubt. And I like the phrase “banish the negativity.” It made me think about the pen being mightier than the sword and slashing away the negative thoughts. 🙂
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Hi Pat – I like the idea of acceptance of what you actually have, rather than expecting the dream. I find that I don’t have the emotional energy for girl tribes or intense friendships anymore. I like having a few undemanding friendships that don’t drain me, or expect me to be always available for girlie adventures. Maybe what you have now is all you’re capable of sustaining until the other demands on your life are less intense? When you have all your ducks back in a row, then you might have more time and energy to invest in cultivating that tribe you’re looking for? x
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Leanne, I love when I get different perspectives on my posts that help me to clarify things. And your comments made me realize I don’t want the every-night-girls-night-out tribe either! I do want to find a friend who would enjoy joining me in the things I like to do that is often fun with others – an afternoon thrift shopping, lunch out and a beach walk, sunset chat over wine. And you are right, this will probably have to wait till the house is done … my ducks back in a row as you say. But, no girlie tribe for me.
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I am thankful for your blog as it challenges me to think about things I would prefer to avoid. Sometimes I feel guilty that unlike you, I will not move to Florida to make my husband happy. After six winters, in Florida I only have casual friends and my husband doesn’t even have that. Definitely no “2 am” friends. At least in Cincinnati we have two sets of “2 am” friends as well as family. The difficulty of developing close friendships is a key reason I won’t move near my daughter in Charleston, SC or my son in Gainsville, FL. I wish you well as you continue to navigate life in retirement.
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The challenge of finding friends was the reason I originally said no to the move. But I’ve come to realize that i really didn’t have the “2am” friends even in Cinci. I’m back to learning to appreciate the casual friends, who have in fact been there to support me. I’m glad you have the “2am” ones and I know lots of people who love the snow-birding lifestyle!
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