I’m not sure if my current struggle with anger is due to being in emotional healing from the trauma of losing our home and most of our possessions or if it is something I’ve always struggled with. Maybe the current struggle is because my normal way to deal with anger is suppression…and suppression is definitely not working very well right now!
I’m struggling with anger day in and day out. My fuse is short. I continue to flash into a state of anger – over-reacting to other’s words or actions, or even when situations are not going as I hoped/planned. I succumb to angry tears. I yell. I want to curl up in a fetal position and hide. I want to hit something (but don’t). I have noticed I’ve even flashed into anger at myself because my reaction was, “I’m never good enough, nothing I do is right!”
My Good Girl persona has been taught that displays of anger are very bad. I’m not sure what my Wild Woman persona believes about anger as I’m just getting to know her. However, I read an article about anger that gave me pause:
Anger is not bad. Anger indicates that a personal boundary has been violated – a physical, emotional or energetic boundary – and my inner voice is saying, “I am not oaky with this”. Anger is a signal that something we’re experiencing or observing is misaligned with our values or how we want others to treat us or our fellow humans. A boundary has been crossed. But anger can also be a reaction to hide personal shame, fear, or grief.
My exploration on dealing with anger continued: It is okay to be angry! Allow your anger. Don’t talk yourself out of it, don’t suppress it. “I accept that I’m rightfully angry about this” is a great mantra I read ad am trying to use.
It is recommended to use the energy of the anger to make a change – to challenge and change a situation. To challenge and change a limiting belief. To articulate an unmet need. It’s not about lashing out in dysfunction, it’s not about who was right and who was wrong, it’s not about forgiving. Anger can help us set boundaries and assert our needs.
Another great phrase I found was, “Don’t bury your anger, process it.” So, when I flare in anger, how do I keep the flare up to not be dysfunctional – to not be yelling, crying, or simply suppressing it? Some other interesting insights I’m trying to work on to learn to process it:
- Declare the rage by saying out loud or to myself, ‘I’m feeling really angry right now.’ Simply giving language to my internal experience should help regulate the nervous system and foster a sense of calm and balance.
- Identify where anger shows up in my body — be curious, be compassionate, and stay with the sensations and breathe. Breathe slowly and deeply.
- It is perfectly OK to extract myself from the situation, perhaps by leaving the room, or ending the call. Removing myself to cool down and gather my thoughts is perfectly fine. I just need to make sure I re-loop to deal with it and not just suppress it!
- Recognize that the event happening that is pushing me over the edge might not be the root cause of the anger. Is it a boundary being violated? Or is it triggering a limiting belief? Or is it a reaction to fear?
- Strategize ways to think about and respond to triggering situations/words/actions. For me that might mean saying, “I felt angry (or frustrated) when you said XYZ to me because it felt like you weren’t acknowledging my experience/my competence/my efforts.”
- Keep doing the self-care I need to balance and care for myself – the exercise, the creative outlets, the mental health therapy.
Neither suppressing anger nor flaring into angry tears and yelling are working. So, I’ll be trying on these new anger management skills!
How do you effectively “manage your anger flash”?
Picture credit: Pixabay – anger to me often feels like sudden flash of lightening!
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You have the right to be angry and to express it. As you well know, there are no negative emotions. You express so well how you’re feeling and I can relate 100%. Different set of circumstances but the feelings are the same. Hang in there. You’re not alone in feeling the way you do. It’s perfectly normal given all the stress you’re going through. Sending you a big hug!
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Thanks Yvonne. I ‘m learning to accept that anger is normal and I am trying to be OK with expressing anger and understanding the root cause of it so I can take positive action.
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You haven’t mentioned politics at all, but I suspect that loads of people in your country have a lot of anger. If you add that upheaval to the construction/insurance/governance issues of rebuilding, it would be surprising if you weren’t angry. I try hard to use the 5 deep breaths and then “act don’t react,” so you are choosing your actions rather than letting your anger make you act out of control. I’ve been practicing this for decades and don’t have it down pat yet. Take care with your self care items, use your tools for anger, and most importantly, if it happens, don’t beat yourself up (that’s the one I really haven’t figured out). Hugs. Bernie
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Bernie, Its terrible to say, but I’m playing ostrich (head in the sand) way too much with the politics. Maybe because every time I look, that insanity on top of my own struggles just makes me feel so sick to my stomach and almost unable to function. I have many friends who are active in the protests, in the calling of politicians. And I thank them regularly. There are many, many American’s who are not aligned at all with what is happening in our country.
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I can’t imagine. It must be so so so incredibly hard. Struggling with your own stuff is a heavy journey, and then add the orange glob turning your country into a kingdom complete with concentration camps. It is so hard to believe.
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Every time something else happens, I wonder… how can this be happening? It’s just a nightmare that won’t end.
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Is it a boundary being violated? For me that is the real question that I find the most difficult to answer.
I know that my recent experience with WP [explained in my last blog post] made me furious because I felt my good faith in their service was betrayed. Granted I’m talking about man versus machine, but the anger was there.
Other times though when dealing with people who betray my faith in them, I feel less anger, more pity. Not that pitying anyone is a great feeling but much less intense. So maybe I don’t sense they’ve violated my boundaries? I dunno, but an interesting subject upon which to muse.
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Ally, it was definitely a mind-opening moment and I realized that sometimes it is a boundary that is being violated, especially with a couple of people in my life. Made me rethink my interaction with them, and I am really going to try that phrase ( I felt angry (or frustrated) when you said XYZ to me because it felt like you weren’t acknowledging my experience/my competence/my efforts.) the next time they anger me and see if that helps with the boundary. Respect for effort is a huge value for me!
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I felt what you were feeling as I read this because sometimes I’m surprised at my anger as well.
Anger for me will pop up from fear or lack of control of a situation.
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Nancy, Lack of control of the situation seems to be my new normal. We had a significant set back on the house build this week, and I have absolutely no control of any of it. So anger was bubbling under the surface and erupted at least once this week when it was not appropriate (I did apologize). At least I’m able to recognize the anger, and not suppress it. Small progress!
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I’m sorry to hear about the set back. I deal with building departments for our business and they can make me positively rage.
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I grew up with the phrase ‘righteous anger’ — rightly or wrongly used to indicate ‘right anger,’ or anger that’s okay. Seems to me your anger, like the rage I’m so often feeling these days about injustices I see happening and going unpunished, is definitely righteous. Rage on.
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Fran, what a great term – righteous anger. Like getting into good trouble. Neither of which i was raised on, but both very critical in today’s environment!
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Hi Pat – I have a friend who’s absolutely lovely, but she often has quite angry responses to situations. That used to really surprise me until I realized that anger was her release valve for a lot of other stuff that was going on underneath. Anger was the tip of her iceberg. I saw this great image and it’s stuck with me ever since, and I think it might be what’s going on in your very complicated world too. Hang in there kiddo! x
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Leanne, What a great analogy. There is definitely a lot going on “underneath” for me. We had a significant set-back this week on the build, and I struggled all week with crying jags and fighting anger eruptions! Having just written about anger did help me acknowledge the anger and in one case apologize as I took my anger out on someone who was not the root cause of it. Frustration bubbles underneath the surface for me still.
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