Some days, I feel strong and capable; other days I’m overwhelmed, feeling drained and full of self-doubt. I want an unwavering belief that I can navigate whatever life presents, even when the path ahead is uncertain. Part of me believes I can handle the unknown, and things will turn out okay. But another (bigger) part is full of self-doubt, wondering if I’ve made the wrong choices or I’m missing key things I should be doing. There’s a voice pointing out my mistakes saying, “See? What else are you going to do wrong?” There is also a feeling of being stuck; I have things on my to-do list that I can’t even begin to think of how to get going. Too many items feel like an insurmountable challenge as I doubt my ability to get them done right.
Being the researcher that I am, I decided to learn more about self-doubt.
First the definition: self-doubt is experiencing feelings of uncertainty about one or more aspects of yourself. This could be fear of disappointing others, fear of others seeing you as a fraud or undeserving of your accomplishments (Imposter Syndrome), worries that whatever path you choose will be wrong, fear of making a mistake. You have automatic thoughts that are negative self-talk, a relentless inner critic telling you to doubt your own abilities.
I found some great insight in blogs like https://www.betterup.com/blog/overcoming-self-doubt and https://www.forbes.com/sites/margiewarrell/2017/12/09/doubt-your-doubts/.
My self-doubt is not really new. In my reading there were some clear signs that indicate you’re doubting yourself. I did feel like this list was “the chicken or the egg” i.e. are they signs self-doubt is happening or ways your thoughts create self-doubt. Whichever, the list felt like check, check, check!
- You can’t accept compliments from others, and you can’t give yourself credit for your achievements.
- You constantly seek reassurance and external validation.
- You are constantly comparing yourself to others, what I term “Compare & Despair.”
- You avoid taking a risk (fear of failure) or rocking the boat (fear of being rejected)
An insight about looking for evidence that supports the thoughts of self-doubt was interesting. For example, if your self-doubt thought is, “I’m not good enough”, you will go through the day collecting examples of ways people didn’t value you. You will ignore or underplay the evidence that people do value you, the positive moments that debunk this automatic thought.
So, when someone says to me, “You’re not doing this properly,” or “Why didn’t you do it like this?” or “I did this and I’m sure that was right,” it triggers me by pointing out my mistakes/errors because I believe I’m not good enough. My self-doubt is confirmed!
Your doubts are not the truth.
Self-doubting negative thoughts are simply not speaking the truth. They might be conditioned response triggers, but they can be shifted. The “what to do” for over-coming self-doubt sounds similar to every other what-to-do for emotional healing!
- Stop the Compare & Despair. Everyone’s life and circumstances are different. Minimize the conversations with outside sources that make us start to think that we’re doing it wrong.
- Be grateful for what you have; write it down. And also make a note of what you’re proud of doing each day, no matter how little it is.
- When you notice self-doubt creeping in, actively question the validity of those thoughts. Do some cognitive restructuring and replace them with more productive and rational thought patterns. “I am absolutely capable when I give my best effort.” “My circumstances are different.” “There is a learning curve when something is new to you.” “I need to accept that life will take me where I need to go.”
- Write a list of your personal qualities and skills. Know you have the ability to make good decisions. Know you are strong and resilient. Trust your gut. Activate your patience.
- Surround yourself with individuals who believe in you and offer encouragement, people who make you feel good about yourself, ones who are positive, emotionally supportive people who infect you with their optimism.
The trauma I’ve recently experienced in my life has made my self-doubt bubble up even more. But I know I can navigate whatever life presents, even when the path ahead is uncertain (and slow). I will remind myself I am capable more often! I’m going to be optimistic that everything will turn out okay.
Marc and Angel just the other day talked about being an optimist. Link here (https://www.marcandangel.com/2025/04/29/be-a-little-more-optimistic-6-things-optimists-do-differently/) To paraphrase them:
“Just because you’re an optimist doesn’t mean you’re not going to have bad days. There is a difference between an optimist and an idealist. An optimist is really just a positive realist who is neither naive, nor in denial, nor blind to the realities of life. An idealist focuses only on the absolute best aspects of situations, a pessimist sees no positive possibilities at all, and an optimist strives to see all the possibilities so they can find the best possible option among them.”
And so, I’m going to be optimistic, a positive realist I’m going to believe that I’m doing things right for our situation. I’m going to trust my capabilities and my instincts. I’m going to keep doing all the what-to-do things for emotional healing.
I’m back to my two mantras this year. “I’m not okay but everything is gonna be alright” and “Patience”!
How prone are you to self-doubt? How do you overcome those thoughts? Are you an idealist, a pessimist or an optimist?
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I too am prone to self-doubt, Pat, and I can’t imagine dealing with everything you’ve had to deal with and for so long now. Based on what I’ve seen from you, I know you’ll continue to work through it with grace and resilience. The one statement from this post that really stood out to me above all the other important information: Your doubts are not the truth. All of us self-doubters need to remember that.
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Oh yeah, big self doubter here but I’m an optimist too! When self doubt gets to be a bit much I ask myself: realistically what’s the worst that could happen if I’m not good enough or my decision isn’t the best? It gives me a big helping of reality which starts to make me feel better – cuz the situation is usually never as bleak as I make it out to be. That said, I’m 63 and I still struggle with it so I guess it’s not going away anytime soon 😂
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Unfortunately, I asked myself that “what’s the worse case” a few times recently and it just made me cry. There is so much out of my control, and some of it just keeps getting worse. There are hundreds of home needing to be built in our area and only so many good craftsmen available… where we will be in the line, when I’m still waiting on permit application? We need to buy everything to build and furnish a house…tariffs continued impact on both cost and availability of stuff? We are living in an apartment complex with many PoC /many languages spoken… ICE home invasions? Yes, worse case thinking has not been helping me right now.
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Oh Pat, your situation is very different than most people. You’ve had two traumatic events back to back and then the additional trauma of trying to recover. Worst case thinking is not gonna be your friend…but please try to remember you’re making the best decisions you can with the information and resources available. Will you need to do some things more than once, unfortunately Yes. Will it frustrate the hell out of you, Yes. Give yourself space and grace to feel the feelings and then try to let them go ❤
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I just joined WordPress, and reading some of the posts from your blog have given me some insight into how to tackle a major life change I going through right now. I love the mantra, “I am not okay, but everything will be alright.”
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I have to admit, that line is actually in a song on the radio by Jelly Roll. I sign it out every time it comes on when I’m driving!
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Thank you for your vulnerability and honesty. Self-doubt is a disease we think is unique to us, but in reality, everyone has a voice telling them they’re doing it wrong. You’re not. Thank you for being here.
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Thanks for that. One of the things I love about blogging is learning, “i am not alone”!
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Let’s start with, if anyone can get done all the things you are having to get done, you will! You have been and always will be a smart, competent woman who will make good decisions.
Now, to answer your question at the end, I think I’m a pessimistic optimist. I have hopes that things will work out ok but often keep a pessimistic outlook of how things will turn out. I think a lot of that is coming from age. I don’t know whether it is hormonal or whether truly happening but I don’t feel I can get anything to work the way I use to. Everything from weight and fitness to getting my pool opened and in swimmable shape seems more difficult. I could prattle and rant for a long while about it all but instead I will take a deeper dive into the link about being more optimistic!
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Candyse, Tim continuously tells me my expectations are too high. Maybe that’s combination of naive optimism and belief that others will be competent. I do think that things take longer now (everyone is over-booked) and many things are harder now (sorry, the body is not as young as it was, and brain fog is so real). I’m still waiting on finalization of our house-build contract… for 6 weeks now. The frustration is beyond compression!
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Wow! How do you manage to write about the topics I need to focus on? 😂
My self-doubt usually rears its head at some point during my work day and I worry, worry, worry.
I appreciate your posts and sharing how you feel and what you’ve uncovered.
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Nancy, I continually find that we are not alone in life’s challenges! It’s helpful to me when people let me know I’m not alone in the challenges as well. I heard a joke (I’m hoping it was a joke!) – it went “80% of the things I worry about don’t happen, so the worry must work in preventing them.” In reality. why do I worry about so many things that never happen? That’s the real question!
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Thank you for your words. I have come to believe that those who share their doubts and fears are those who are seeing the positive within them. By that I mean what they are pointing them towards. I too have transitioned since unexpectedly retiring at 70 into an inner world of reflection, where my doubts and fears echo what is taking place in myself and in the world, and lead me gently towards greater understanding and compassion. Greater than when I was concentrating on ‘doing’ not ‘being’. Through writing I have found my inner voice which softens my harsh judgements of myself, and others. I am finding a vocabulary for compassion and it is such a relief!
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As an avid doer, and using doing as a distraction as well, I’m inspired by your words to spend some additional time being and reflecting!
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I think it is very strong of you to share your feelings of self-doubt. I never would have predicted it based on your significant success at “big company”. Did you ever do the math on how unlikely it was to reach the level of accomplishment you did? So thank you for being human. I hope you find the little joys in each day. For some of us, that’s all we are ever going to accomplish.
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You know that part of the Imposter Syndrome of self doubt tells you that the any corporate achievements were just a fluke, you really were just “right place right time” or the token woman. I know…all not true, but I had to chuckle on your comment, as yeah, I’ve thought all of that self-doubt in relationship to my corporate achievements! Apparently, reality doesn’t come into self-doubt! I keep going back to doing all the things to help and yes, finding joy in each day is one of them!
BTW – thanks for the reminder… I did have significant success at that big company. 🙂
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Self-doubt has always been a huge thing for me too Pat – it’s strange how logically we know we’re strong, capable, competent women, and yet this little voice in our head just keeps up the relentless chatter about all the things we aren’t perfect at. All we can do is keep on reminding ourselves of all we’ve accomplished and to pause when something good happens and breathe that in. You’ll get through all this turmoil and disruption and come out the otherside with a bucket load of wisdom and pride in what you’ve achieved. You just have to weather the pus and pain that it takes to get there. I’m cheering you on and I’m sure many others are too. You’ve got this! x
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Thanks Leanne! Gosh it feels like the “pus and pain” just keeps going on. (great term, not an American one at all!). You are so right that there’s the logical side that does say, “you’ve got this” and then the little voice that undermines it again and again. I’ll keep working on it and really appreciate all those cheering me on!
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