It is hard to believe it is 3 months since the first hurricane hit our home. The emotional recovery (me) and the physical recovery (the house) are on very different tracks! On the emotional (grief/trauma) side of things, the initial shock has definitely eased and there is some return to normal.
October saw every single routine go by the wayside. No cardio drumming, no book clubs, no garden club meetings, no morning journaling, no monthly Tarot card reflection, no full-moon shelling, no crafting, no reading, no going out to eat dinner. (Wow, I had lots of routines!) All my plans for the month – from museum visits to festivals, concerts, plant sales, and shuffleboard gatherings – all cancelled. My “I Did It List” did not give me a positive feeling of accomplishment and I was emotionally a wreck.
November saw a struggle to return to normal. We took a pre-hurricane planned trip to NOLA and without any daily plans in place, I didn’t really feel like we got the most out of the trip. We prepped for Hubby’s planned knee surgery as we continued to push through house recovery next steps. I struggled with everyone’s choosing different paths forward on their house recovery and thinking our choices were/are wrong. I was trying to be strong (how others see me), trying to find the magic moments in each day, and practicing gratitude. But the emotions that are in my journal are irritability, easily frustrated, discouraged, unsettled, disconnected, weary & teary, and overwhelmed.
December was pushing for more normality – trip planning for 2025, Garden Club’s holiday gatherings, board of director meetings, Taylor on daily walks (my part of hubby recovery support) and to the dog park, full moon shelling & new moon tarot, and end of year health care appointments. But a lot of the other stuff feels like a bad Christmas song: 8 insurance claims to track, 6 demo prep items to push, 4 FEMA follow-ups to do, 3 “calamity” things to figure out, 2 loan/ grant paperwork to decipher, and yet another swirl of misinformation to sort through. There’s a number of “must get X done before Y can be started” with the X being something I have no control over – it’s a waiting game! So many things just take way more time than I expected – we just got our October “displacement” benefit and it’s not unusual to have 60+ minutes on hold when you call on a claim. Yesterday, my flood insurance adjuster finally opened the files I sent in October (yes, 2 months ago), told me the file is corrupted (it’s their form), and I had to start the contents input on a new form – typing it in, no cut and paste, because anything I cut in might bring in the corruption of the old form. Oh, and they are off till the new year, so nothing on payout information till next year!. This is one reason why house recovery is taking so long!
I’m still highly irritable, over-reacting, and full of self-doubt. I continue to second guess decisions made on toss/salvage, on our choice of build-up versus restore, and on renting the apartment we are in (every time something else breaks/doesn’t work). I’m feeling terror at making the wrong decisions going forward. I have a consistent nightmare on the house demo going wrong (that’s one of the x before y waiting games) and another on searching for things that are probably lost in the flood. (I say probably because I just found one “lost” item buried in a bin of miscellaneous stuff!) I still have crying jags and feel chest constructions and nausea. I know… I did the best I could! I’m doing the best I can!
In the trauma response of fight or flight, I’m definitely in a fight mode. Many neighbors and friends are in flight or freeze. The number of for-sale signs in my neighborhood is depressing. I’ve talked to some who are totally unsure of their next step – restore, rebuild, sell. I am fighting – fighting the funk of feeling alone and burdened, fighting to get out of bed every day, fighting to do the next item on the massive to-do list.
At three months, I am still taking it one day at a time. And with that – here are some Spirit of a Hippie (new FB follow I’m really liking) morning moments paraphrased:
- Still slogging, stumbling along…and the rest of the world seems to have returned to normal.
- Stop the unrealistic timelines in your thinking… accept where you are.
- In the stillness of each morning, take time to breathe. These are the days to pause, reflect, realign.
- Surround yourself with people who see your light and remind you who you are.
- It’s brave to get up in the morning, even if your soul is weary and your body aches.
- Stop getting tangled up in your conflicting thoughts; have faith there will be resolution.
After drafting this blog on the Winter Solstice, my plan is to do a tarot card reflection and craft a JFM plan- more return to normal. I do have faith that things will eventually be alright. Although there are moments that it’s hard to keep believing that.
Picture: my Christmas cactus is blooming for the first time since the move to Florida!
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Oh Pat, this is all so terrible for you so I hope things have settled down a bit for you since writing this. Take care and keep persevering!
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Oh, rats. I closed my computer before my comment sent. Will try again.
Your sentence: “I’m still highly irritable, over-reacting, and full of self-doubt” really resonated with me. I feel that way about myself and I haven’t survived 2 hurricanes and their aftermath. Bless your heart. Bless your heart, twice. You have every reason to feel irritable. And I seriously doubt anyone would accuse you of over-reacting. I can’t imagine the huge decisions, the life-altering decisions you have had to make in the past 3 months. How could anyone help but worry and have a bit of self-doubt. Especially when it seems there has been so little forward progress made toward getting your paperwork approved (much less submitted without losing everything first and having to do it all again), and to see the demolition of your home begun so that you can begin the rebuilding of your life in earnest.
My mother was fond of saying that certain trials and tribulations were enough to have her wanting to commit hari-kari. I would be right there if I were trying to sort through all you have been dealt. So, please, please give yourself some love and some grace. It’s absolutely okay to be irritable and frustrated and questioning every step in this arduous process of recovering your life.
Hope that 2025 will bring the successful completion and submitting of all the paperwork and the return to your life of more normalcy with each day.
Was your Christmas cactus a survivor of the devastation or is it new to you? I have one that I have grown from a small clipping my MIL gave me of hers. For a couple of years I overloved it almost to death. Then about 2 years ago, it bloomed for the first time. And last year, it bloomed a bit more gloriously. This year it has been showy and flamboyant and has made me smile. My impatience and overwatering didn’t kill it after all!!
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Leslie, I laughed when you said no-one would accuse me of over-reacting! Hubby accuses me of it all the time… and yeah, I actually do over-react a lot.
The Christmas Cactus was a survivor of the flood… one of the few plants that was high enough to not get salt water saturated. It pains me that I lost all my mom’s plants, plus the ones I got ribbons for at the last flower show. Yeah, my Best of Show plant floated away. When I remember things like that, the grief just surges up. But, I’m trying. Trying to not get irritated with insurance people. Trying to not second guess decisions made. Trying to not over-react.
I hope you had a lovely Christmas and Happy New Year to you and the whole fmaily!
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I like a gal with emotion!! At least folks now how you’re feeling and don’t have to guess. You are absolutely entitled to react and over-react!! Just tell anyone who complains that I gave you permission.
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LOL! Now check out my 2025 WOTY…..trying to work on that over-reacting.
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Pat, thinking of you and Tim daily! Only advice (which I”m sure you’re tired of hearing any at all) is breath. Try to breathe. You are doing all you can.
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Candyse, I really am trying to just let it all go a bit more. To say what will be will be. To focus on what I can control (we contracted with an architect for plans). I’m not saying I won’t be ranting a bit in 2025 – we’re going to be building a house (OMG – a huge project) – but I’m really trying to let things happen. Hopefully we can connect in new year for a virtual glass of wine!
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Pat, I’d take the blooming Cactus as a good sign for 2025. Merry Christmas!
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Suzanne, Great point! Seeing it’s bloom has brought joy to each day of the holidays. And also, I will have to find a good spot for it whenever we have a new home. It’s liking the no direct light spot it’s now in! Happy New Year to You!
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i know that feeling of impatience especially when so much is out of your control. I’m not very good at handling those situations. Wish I had some words of wisdom but I’m at a loss. All I can say is take one day at a time and find something every day to make yourself feel good. Sounds trite but who knows what might help as you slog through it all.
Merry Christmas 🎄
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I continue to focus on the one day at a time. And yes, gratitude (for so much) and things that have been accomplished (actually there are some!). And you’re right… it is a slog – love that word! Happy New Year to You!
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Your story is of something I don’t think a lot about in the aftermath of natural disasters. I’m shaking my fist at your comments on the insurance adjuster and the company in general. Whatever decision you make will be the right one for you and your husband and I hope there comes a time when you see the light at the end of the tunnel. Merry Christmas and I wish for you a brighter 2025.
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Thanks Nancy! And a Happy New Year to you.
I am hoping 2025 is a smoother one… But, building a home is not a small project! I’m sure there will be a blog rant or two along the way. I know we’ll get through it… I need to focus on that, especially with the next insurance company conversation in the new year!
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Hi Pat – I think you’re doing amazingly well while dealing with a LOT of sh***t – insurance companies seem to make everything harder than it needs to be. If it’s any consolation, I find myself feeling agitated and stressed just dealing with the local grocery shopping etc when the stores are crowded and things are out of sync. You remind me how small my little stresses are, and how it doesn’t matter how organized etc we are, there are still the “X’s” to deal with, and put up with, and be frustrated by – but they don’t win in the end. I hope you find a little pocket of peace for Christmas and that 2025 becomes a year of creativity and growth after all that 2024 has brought your way. Merry Christmas xx
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Leanne, While things remain challenging, I do know they are getting better day by day. But gosh, the two steps forward, one step back (or sometimes 2 steps back) is so frustrating! Then there’s the continual self doubt about decisions made! Sigh. I tried to put everything to the side for the holidays and spend time comfort reading and just chilling. Happy New Year to you!
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