One of the continuing challenges for me in retirement has been creating and maintaining connections/friendships. I’ve stated before that when I left full-time working, I lost 80% of my daily connections. While these were not necessarily all close friendships, they were connections that provided me with support, validation, advice, a sounding board, and inspiration. Intentional Connections was an initial focus in my retirement transition, and remains a focus today. I continue to read articles about friendship, especially friendship in later years.
I have a strong belief that I’ve never been good at making friends. Not that I do not have a few wonderful friends, but I believe in most of those situations, it’s been more on their side to maintain the connection. It was an interesting insight for me that my mom was not strong with this type of skill either – I do not recall her having any friends while we were growing up and even later in life, there were very few friends in her life, Whether by nature (my critical, more negative, introverted natural personality) or nurture (not seeing the skills as I grew up) or both, creating and sustaining friendships has never come easily to me.
I’ve also come to realize I never had to develop “friendship skills”. My friends (really colleagues or acquaintances) were almost always related to proximity – school or work. When that proximity went away, so did the friendship/connection. I continue to focus on creating and maintaining friendship in my blogging because I’m in a learning mode for these skills.
I wrote about my friendships fantasy (blog link here) where I discussed my distorted “perfect picture” vision of friendship and claimed I would stop worrying about inner circles, tribes, squads. But I’ve realized my need for connection is integral to my lifestyle vision, which is based on my values and true desires:
Active Body, Connected Heart, Creative Spirit, Contemplative Mind.
And so I continue to read the articles and think about how I might incorporate the ideas about friendship into my own life. Here’s a few aha’s from some recent reading:
- It is OK to be the instigator, to organize the thing, to talk to the neighbor, to join the club. As a natural introvert, this is not easy work. I have backed off on being the major instigator/organizer, but still am creating some activities for others to join in. And definitely saying “yes” to others who attempt to organize something I’m interested in!
- One author talked about a “11-3-6” concept – it takes 11 different 3-hour long encounters over 6 months to turn an acquaintance into a friend, even a casual friend. So, it’s important to think about who you want to cultivate friendship with! You cannot do it with every acquaintance. Focus on cultivating friendships with those who enrich you and where you feel positive interactions. I appreciated this distinction:
- Acquaintances hang out together in a group, talk together superficially, and are part of a bigger group connection. I have many acquaintances from my engagement in town activities, cardio drumming, book clubs, and garden clubs
- Casual friends have one-on-one conversations and do one-on-one activities together. These friends support you and celebrate with you; there is reciprocity in the friendship dynamic. Proximity does matter to maintain these friendships. It is important to value these “loose ties” friendships as much as the closer friends.
- Close friends are your chosen sisters (or brothers). These deep friendships are the few who you can talk to about anything, the first ones you call (or text).
I thought more about casual friends when I read about how you feel about the friendships you have.
- Friendships, casual or close, should give you positive vibes (empathy, validation), have equal power dynamics, be supportive, be comfortable, be inspiring, and have regular interactions. I have a number of people who check these boxes!
- When a friendship, casual or close, is giving you negative vibes, feels like a chore or obligation, leaves you feeling hurt or not listened to, or feels toxic (always negative gossip, complaining, cruel comments about others) ….is it time to let go of that friendship? Put more distance in the relationship? One of the tells for me was, “When you see her name on caller ID, do you think twice to answer the call?”
These readings made me wonder, am I trying to create close friendships from acquaintances that are not really fulfilling because I am afraid that I would have no friends here after our move? Is trying to cultivate so many acquaintances into close friends just leaving me feeling run ragged, while simultaneously not feeling truly close to anyone? Should I pull back and focus on the 11-3-6 concept with a few, while also making sure I have time in my calendar for the deep close friendships I do have?
There was also the great insight of: Sometimes being included in an invitation or not (exclusion) is just a normal balancing of attention that multiple acquaintances & casual friendships require, a limit on space, or simply a miss. This is a thought I’ve had to remind myself of, and recognize these situations (exclusion) are often due to the breadth of casual friends I, and others, have.
Intentional Connections will remain a focus area for me as it’s an integral part of my life vision. But I believe shifting to acceptance of acquaintances and casual friends for who they are in my life will be helpful. And yes, to think more about which relationship(s) to cultivate.
Do you struggle with friendship creation and maintenance in retirement? Any insights into best practices I could consider?
Picture: My new caladium bulbs are starting to come up! These new blue and yellow pots are destined to be in a new planting bed going in this fall. Caladiums are not salt tolerant, so these plastic pots will be moved in when we experience storm surge.
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Thank you so much for sharing this. Friendships definitely change over time.
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I’m embarrassed to say I never put much effort into making really close friends – thinking back on it now, I’m sure it’s because I subliminally believed they wouldn’t stick around (I have abandonment issues) so I never really opened myself up. Now that I’m retired, I’ve made some casual friends in my neighborhood and we plan outings for lunches, movies and shopping but these aren’t close friendships. I have one or two people I can call when I’m struggling with something but unfortunately they don’t live close by so I only see them when I plan a trip to visit. I read somewhere (?) the way to build close friends is to have more shared experiences… that falls in line with the 11-3-6 concept… I guess it just takes time (and effort!) 🥴
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Sharon, I understand (somewhat) the abandonment issue as I also have it. Of course, everyone’s is different, but I am learning what my triggers are and trying to shift some of my deeply held beliefs around it. Like you, I have a few emotionally close friends who are physically far away. And I do talk with them on the phone regularly, as travel is just not something I’m doing much of. My wish for is to have one (or more) close friends near-by as sometimes I just want a physical hug along with a deep conversation! And this recent reading made me realize that some of my behaviors were not conducive to that desired outcome. Not that I am going to start counting the times and hours, but yes, shifting to more one-on-one time and effort to create a deeper connection with one or two people. We shall see!
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Just like you, almost all of my friendships were with work colleagues. I didn’t need lunch dates or get togethers on weekends because my need for friendship was satisfied completely at work. Now days, my time alone is precious as I have activities every week with my daughter, SIL and grands. Of course, with PC. And at least once a week I do something with my sister on Facetime. I am very content.
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Leslie, It’s so wonderful you have the closeness of your family to satisfy the emotional needs we all have. Another commenter noted I did not have a family category in my listing, which is because I have no children and am not really close to my siblings. I love my siblings but we are just not “friends” and I do envy, just a bit, sisters who are that close.
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Hi Pat, I think you’re right, that friendships require some more “intention” after retiring since, if you’re like me, many of my friendships were work friends. I did things one on one and they were sometimes my go-to people, but once work finished, our relationship didn’t have the same strength as we lost our common and strongest bond. I think, for me, there are those friends for a reason, friends for a season, and friends for a lifetime. It seems my oldest friend from high school and I have the lifetime friendship award. I also have two of my siblings who fit the into the strong friendship category so I’m lucky. But even my other friends/acquaintances are treasures and add much to my life.
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ps: there’s got to be that mutuality to it too, the give and take. My newest friend is one who really demonstrated interest in a friendship and I really appreciated it and it was easy then to cooperate. Someone can be the instigator but for sure there has to be equal interest too as the friendship continues. It’s not easy as we age but we can still have some great bonds.
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Judi, I’m always a bit envious of those who have that lifelong high-school friend or really close relationship with a sibling. Sadly, I have neither. I was able to transition a few work friends/colleagues into close friends as we had more in common that just work. All of them are physically far away now, we connect via phone. I really do want a close friend physically close, and realized I was not going about it correctly. I am trying to change that intentionality behavior. Again, I’m a bit envious you found that mutuality with someone new! But thrilled that you have all of those friendships in your life. I do treasure my physically far-away yet emotionally close friends and am learning to treasure the local casual friends as well.
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A “11-3-6” concept? A quantified way of establishing friendships? Oh that is so outside my way of thinking that I’m without words. As an introvert I stay in touch with a few longtime friends but also realize that you can be as sincere and outgoing as can be, BUT if you’re living in the wrong place for your kind of friendliness you will be marginalized. It’s not you, it’s them.
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Ally, I laughed at your “without words” – you? But, the engineer, data-geek in me loved the quantification! No way that I’m gong to start counting, but it did shift my awareness as to what I was doing and how it might not be the right approach for the outcome I desired. I would like one (or more) close friends, near me physically. Sometimes you just need a physical hug along with that deep conversation.
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Pat, I love the way you define levels of friendship in this post. I habitually keep my friends/acquaintences in separate boxes and tend them accordingly. I have never been a social butterfly, (although I tried) and rarely instigate much of anything beyond a dinner date with friends. These days, I just accept who I am, roll with whatever comes my way, and feel grateful.
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Suzanne, I like the phrase “tend them accordingly”! I do believe I’m shifting to this approach. Might take me some time to shift behavior, but it is a definite mind-set shift.
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Hi Pat – my mum is the most outgoing, social person I know. She’ll talk to anyone anywhere and has a wide circle of casual friends, I’m not sure how many truly close friendships she has though… I’m much more introverted and although I can strike up a chat if needed, I find maintaining casual connections very difficult – too many people and too many different outlooks on life. I have a few close friends and tend to stick with them and with my immediate family. I’m so grateful that my adult children get on with me well and enjoy our visits – but they’re not my “friends” – they have a category of their own.
I think, for me, there won’t be any more really close friends appearing in my life, I just don’t meet people in ways that allow me to dive below the surface. So, I’ll continue to invest in the few I have and be grateful for them – and I’m learning to enjoy my solitude and my own company (something I’ve never been good at in my younger days).
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Leanne, I agree that children would be a category of their own. I don’t have and and am also not really close to my immediate family. I don’t think to add that category in, but you are right – it exists. I’m still hoping to have one (or more) close friends for the future, especially physically close versus long distance. They are the ones I can really talk to and while phone calls are great, sometimes it’s nice to have that physical hug to go along with some deep conversation.
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Lovely caladiums, good column! I’m lucky to make friends easily & often and generally keep them forever. I wish those my age would quit dying off — but they make me even more grateful for the close friends I have among my children’s friends and youngsters of those ages (60s, that is.)
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Fran, I’m just a bit envious of those who can make friends easily! I’ve had a few casual friends closer to my age (60’s) pass already and it is hard to deal with. Makes me much more aware of valuing each day.
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