Finding new connections is often a large element of retirement transition. Many people lose a sense of belonging, as they no longer have their work/career connections. A move to a new location, another element often in retirement, can exacerbate this feeling of not belonging. Having a feeling of belonging has always been a challenge for me. Retirement and moving has made it more of a challenge. I’ve been very intentional in retirement to try and create connections to establish a sense of belonging. I’ve tried to embrace being the designated planner and not look for reciprocity.
A few weeks ago I wrote in my journal, “I’m living life on the periphery still. I told someone recently that I was a ‘periphery friend’. I’m still not on the regular invite list, not part of the tribe. While I might invite people to things I plan all the time, I often hear about things they’ve planned and done after the fact, things that I would have really enjoyed doing. It’s challenging to not have your feelings hurt about that.”
I’ve been trying so hard to engage with people locally, to create a sense of belonging. I’ve “leaned in” on being a willing worker in various clubs, taken on leadership roles in a couple of clubs even, and become the “designated planner” for a local group of friends. I’ve tried to make connections (a huge effort for an introvert) and been inclusive in my own invitations. This past week, new situations really made me question, is all the effort worth it? Is being the designated planner simply not working as a way to get to feel like I belong? Do I need to change the stories I’m telling myself? Because I’m feeling not a sense of belonging, but one of rejection!
Here are some of the current stories in my head (I say that because it is my perception of the situations!):
A few individuals (can I even call them friends?) got together to go to a local theater show. I’ve invited them all many times to join me at the theater, so they have to know I love live theater! Did they invite me to join them? No. I found out from two when I invited them to the same show (I ended up going the next night). This was not the first time this lack of invitation to an event has occurred from these individuals – I don’t make their invite list even though I’ve invited them repeatedly to events I’m planning (and they have joined in).
Some of the group who agreed to go to the theater event I planned (and got group tickets for, finding a great deal in the process) decided to split off and do the pre-show dinner at a different place than planned. Not for the whole group, but for their smaller click (which did not include me). Again, I had a feeling of rejection.
I invited the (large inclusive) group to join me at another (upcoming) theater event for the holidays. (Did I mention I love live theater?) A few joined in and got tickets; a few never responded; a few said no; and a few claimed they were already busy with other commitments. One of the individuals who said no subsequently (two weeks later) invited many of the same people to a party at her house the same night. Interestingly I was on that invite list, so I got to see all the yes, responses… from people who told me they were already busy, said no, or didn’t respond at all to me. I felt like they were choosing her over me.
I had an individual on my (quite inclusive) invite list for a while who was challenging to deal with. She always needed more and more information to whatever she agreed to join in on. She was either late to the event or canceled at the last minute. A number of others asked if she was coming because she made them uncomfortable. I decided to drop her and had to tell her that. So now I’m wondering – Am I the dropped person on others invite lists? The high-maintenance person who makes folks uncomfortable? The one people don’t want around? Is this Karma for no longer inviting her?
Or do I just need to change the stories in my head? My current stories (MY PERCEPTION) are about rejection, not belonging. How do I change that perception? How do I shift from a rejection of me, personally, to a rejection of the activities I have planned? And then, should I continue planning activities at all? Or is the better question, how do I just not let the actions of others affect me so much!?
Yeah, it’s been a rough week emotionally. I’m sharing this so others understand that finding that place you belong after retirement isn’t always that easy. Things you try don’t always work out. And I’m hoping for some guidance from you-all who often help me see things differently with your comments!
I saw this quote recently: “Go where you are celebrated, not merely tolerated.” Where is that place for me? How can I feel like I belong?
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It always shocks me when people can be so unkind and inconsiderate at this stage in life. Did they never outgrow the Jr. High years? Geez. People naturally respond and enjoy being around someone who is positive, upbeat and interested in finding out about them. I firmly believe in the quote by Dale Carnegie: “You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.” First and foremost, be your own best friend. I applaud you for reaching out in your new location. Keep at it and the best friendships will stick. (I agree with the suggestions to reach out for more one-on-one connections initially. It is too easy for new people to get lost in the cracks of a previously solid group.)
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Thanks for your comments. I’ve put one-on-one connects on my “to-do” list for sure! It’s been so helpful to read everyone’s comments. I appreciate you taking the time to add in your thoughts!
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I confess I’ve found retirement a little like the playground after joining a new school when I very much felt as if I was actively asking others to be my friend. I’ve joined and left many places since retiring because although I’ve enjoyed the activity I haven’t felt the group to be “my tribe.” It is at a health club where I have met like-minded people with whom I have found the most in common but it has taken a long time (and I do mean years) to create meaningful, supportive relationships built up over coffee after classes and casual chatting in the changing room and around the pool. I have certainly found one to one connections easier to foster and still sometimes feel on the periphery in larger groups there, conscious too that there is more support and socialising amongst the single ladies as a result, I suppose, of a not altogether erroneous assumption that when you have a partner you are less able to commit time to new female friendships. I think trying to be a good listener and offering people of a like-minded disposition emotional support, interest and empathy is a good starting base especially when they do the same for you. It’s sometimes felt a bit like the business networking that I did where we were taught that the best way to sell was to build relationships by finding out what you could really do to help a potential customer, rather than simply looking to market your wares. Ultimately, however, if you’ve given it your all and nobody is buying you look for another marketplace, don’t you?
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There is so much amazing advice in your comment! Spend more time one-on-one, be a good listener, what can I do to help them, recognize it takes time. I also need to focus on the ones who do appreciate me, and not on the ones who exclude me. Because those women (and men) are there. They are (in your terms) “buying my wares!” Thanks for your insights.
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Hi Pat, Leanne sent me over to your post. It is always nice to get another perspective. You share a poignant story and your genuine feelings of living on the periphery and how your feelings are hurt tugged at my heartstrings. I don’t have the answers to your questions. For some reason this time of year seems to highlight a possible feeling of loneliness despite the activities surrounding us. You articulate well one of the ‘stories in your head’ …”go where you are celebrated, not merely tolerated.” This is exceptionally wise. You strike me as a kind, thoughtful person and I truly believe “karma” will return your kindness. xx Erica
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Erica, thank you so much for your kind words! The comments (insights, compliments, perspectives) I’m getting to this post have been really heartwarming. And yes, I need to keep my own (stolen) words in mind….. go where I am celebrated!
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It’s especially hard to go through what you have been going through during the holiday season. When I was working full-time, I did not have the bandwidth to entertain much-and for a long time, I felt like everyone was involved in a “gay whirl of holiday parties” except me. It’s easy to feel left out at this time of year. It does not help that many people feel compelled to post every minute of their social life on Facebook. I try not to do that out of a concern that it might make someone feel left out. Hang in there, and if you find some kindred spirits, invite them out for a one to one lunch or coffee. Very difficult to do as an introvert (ask me how I know:), but you may reap longer term benefits as a result.
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Thanks Beth. It’s actually interesting that we just got an invite to a neighborhood NYE gathering …so we will be in the swirl of holiday parties at least for NYE. And a few local women have reached out to me (FB or direct; I post my blog on FB) for those one-on-one connects. So I’m going to keep on trying (hang in there as you say). Everyone’s comments have been so helpful, thanks for yours!
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Oh, Pat, that was such a painful post to read… we’ve all been there and can feel your sense of rejection. You have received some wonderful advice and input in the comments already. The only thing I’d add is that it sounds like you are trying to plan for groups of people (lots of different personalities and prior connections with each other). As a mostly-introvert, I much prefer one-on-one connections, at least at first. Find one person you have a connection with (shared hobby, interest, philosophy) and ask them to coffee or lunch. Slowly build to something more. You might find that you will start to meet their friends as you become closer. If it doesn’t work out with that person for whatever reason, find someone else you’d like to get to know better. Good luck!
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Janis, The comments, advice, and insights have been amazing! It is why I put this topic out there (a very hard one to post). I’ve had a couple of individuals reach out to me for that one-on-one time in fact (on FB or directly). It’s been surprising to me how many folks do read my blog. In fact a couple of people recognized themselves, although I didn’t use any names – Oh dear, I didn’t know they read my blog! It’s been bittersweet to know I’m not alone in these feeling – disheartening in a way but also a feeling of not being alone (belonging!).
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Well, as your commentors show, you clearly are not the only one that gets treated this way. Is it Floridians? Is it new friend versus old friends? I’m terrible at making friends so sadly my boys are also terrible at making friends. But my boys share my introverted personality while my daughter has hubby’s extroverted personality. She is just a happy person so people want to be around her versus my rain cloud over my head/Eeyore personality.
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I had to chuckle at “rain cloud/Eeyore” personality. It certainly does not come across in your blogging! I’ve tried to become more positive in my retirement – an intentional choice. But I do think my natural set-point is more critical and negative, so these emotional reactions and negative spirals happen. And I’ve never been good at making friends; interesting, neither was my mom, so I guess it’s “genetic” (nature or nurture or both). I don’t think it’s about Florida, even though many are transplanted here so you’d think folks would be more open to new friendships! A this point, I’ve decided to keep trying and to try and not let the actions of others impact me as much!
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Oh Pat, what a terrible week. I know what it feels like but I’m also content with myself and whatever does or doesn’t happen is OK. I have been thinking for a while about writing a post about fitting in vs. belonging. For me, I’ve felt more like I just fit in and rarely feel I belong. Right now, I’m the third in two groups who get together. I’m not always included when the other two decide to do something. This has pretty much happened my whole life and I’ve learned not to care, as I’d probably be happier not being included anyway. But I can’t say it doesn’t sting a little bit when I find out about it. Hang in there. Just be happy with the good friends you do have.
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It’s been fascinating to know how many people experience similar situations and feelings! For me, it helps to know I am not alone in the feelings, and that also helps me realize it’s not about me. The comments I’m receiving are really helping me. And you are right, focus on the good friends I do have, the appreciation I do get for planning things, and try not to care about the exclusions.
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It’s so hard to know why people don’t respond to our overtures, or don’t think to include us in their events and activities. There could be all sorts of reasons, many of which aren’t personal. I admire your bravery for extending invitations and organizing activities. Perhaps these would be appreciated by other people—ones who don’t already have a tribe and are looking to make new friendships. You are probably just what they are hoping to connect with. Sorry we’re 3000 miles apart—I’d love to go to the theater with you, Pat.
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Donna, Your comment reminds me to focus on those who thank me for planning things, who voice appreciation that I put these evenings and events together. Because they are part of my tribe and happy to be there. Yeah – “focus on the voices of appreciation and not the actions of exclusion” might be my new mantra. Wow. And I’d love if you were closer to join in on theater events!
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Hi Pat, there are some ‘golden nuggets’ of wisdom in the comments today and most notably, a reassurance that ‘effort does not always equal results.’ I felt rejected by the ‘popular group, or clique’ in my neighborhood a few years ago and the experience prompted some introspection which revealed that #1, like your friend Candayse, my personality can also come off as ‘snobbish or standoffish.’ #2 I like leading, and when I am ‘in charge’ I have certain expectations of myself and others that might appear dictatorial. #3 I try too hard to ‘impress’ people who don’t matter to me just for the sake of having them acknowledge my awesomeness by including me in their sucky group.
It took a while, but I finally accepted that I needed to stop trying so hard and let things happen organically. I didn’t need to shout my credentials at people by constantly stepping up to lead. So, I took a giant step back. Yes, that resulted in fewer social invitations, but it also led me to an awesome group of women who invited me into their Mahjongg group. Turns out, many of them had felt the scorn of the neighborhood ‘clique’ also. There are different dynamics within the group that includes and the group that ‘excludes’. I personally want to attach myself only to people who include.
To repeat what your friend John said, ‘I am more careful these days about my time’.
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Suzanne, I’m loving the comments I’m getting. Great perspectives, nuggets of information, virtual hugs, and helping em feel I’m not alone. I love your introspections – yeah, I might also come across dictatorial – wow, what a thing to realize. I’ve also heard a few others (I get comments on FB and directly too) feel the “scorn of the local clique” – although that wasn’t one of the situations I’ve felt recently, it’s something I need to watch out for I guess. And not react to it… not take it personally. I definitely need to just let new friendships grow more organically and stop trying to force things. Having my blogging buddies share their insights into this topic has been amazingly helpful! Thanks!
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Pat, I should have used the word ‘slighted’ rather than scorned. That sounds a bit harsh. I am glad your responses have been enlightening.
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Pat, you’ve been reading my mail. I feel the rejection of not being included in friends’ social activities & lack of connection. I’ve often said the plethora of methods that allow for communication just offers more ways not to connect. Like Bernie says, there are invitations that I would decline for one reason or another. That said, I’ve come into myself more in retirement. I sometimes wonder if I’m trying to be someone/thing I’m not by “wanting” to be involved in the circle. I’ve come to realize that I am an introvert that thrives on solitude. And maybe the circle is honoring that? And so should I. I also thrive on reciprocity. Candyse advised to let it go; I sing that to myself, put a smile on myself & go for a walk in nature.
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Funny thing is I am very much an extrovert and would likely say yes more often than they think. Although as I age and settle into retirement I am finding alone time is just fine.
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It’s fascinating to hear how many folks are experiencing similar situations. And for me, hearing that makes me feel less alone. I’m an introvert that loves small social gatherings! Not big parties, but groups of 4-8 are ideal for me. Bigger ones drain me. That said, I do need to let go of reacting to others actions and choices. Harder to do than say, but I will be trying… and possibly singing the song as well.
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I sympathize with you. You are trying so hard to be part of the “in group” and your efforts are not bearing much fruit. Our youngest daughter has the same issue. She is part of a dozen girls that she has known and been friends with since high school, yet they often leave her out. Part of the reason may be that she is single and childless, whereas almost all of her friends are married with children, but whatever the cause, it is still hurtful.
Based on what you’ve written, I think my outlook is very different from yours. I am very happy being by myself or just with my wife. I do not go out of my way to try to cultivate new relationships. If something happens organically, great, but I won’t beat the bushes to make it happen. Now, grant it, I am in the same place I’ve been for 40 years, so I haven’t lost all of my local connections. If I was in your situation (moving to new city) I would have to make some effort.
I think maybe focusing on a smaller group of people where you already seem to have some bonds would be more productive. Also, remember that you can’t please all of the people all of the time! Some people just aren’t going to be attracted to you despite your best efforts to encourage a connection. It may not be that there is enmity between you, but just no real kinship. Also, try to remember that many of the women may have been in these groups for years and already formed a number of associations. They may view you as the newcomer and outsider and they just need more time to see you as “one of them”.
Maybe you could try finding a local Facebook group of like-minded people. For example, I am in a Cincinnati BBQ group and a Cincinnati Woodworkers group where it’s pretty easy to connect with local people who share my interests.
Good luck and I hope you find a place where you can be comfortable with the situation.
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Bob, I do have a one local group with like-minded people…it’s interesting those relationships have not yet expanded beyond just the interest area of gardening. They still might. It’s hard to recall we’ve only been here just over 2 years. In the scheme of friendship creation, that’s a small amount of time. I like the term kinship… it is what I’m looking for.
Part of writing this blog was to process the pain of the rejection. Hearing others face similar situations (like your daughter’s situation), helps me realize it’s probably not about me. It’s interesting that being child-free is still a factor even at this stage of my life – when everyone is talking about grandkids and family visiting for the holidays, I can feel on the outside as well!
On a positive note, we just got an invite to a local group’s NYE event. I need to focus on the positives, not the negatives!
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A long time ago a counsellor I was seeing told me that I can only extend the invitation, and that that is the only thing that has anything to do with me. The response I get to the invitation (Yes, No, or No Response At All) I have no power over and has nothing to do with me. I recently shared that same advice with a young student who was having some feelings of rejection and inadequacy because of not getting positive responses to his invitations to potential romantic dates. It’s advice I sometimes repeat to myself and it might be advice that could help you right now, Pat. If it does, take it. If it doesn’t, just leave it. That said, I know the feeling, but I am not sure if it helps to know that I know the feeling. It does help me sometimes to know that I am not the only one who has felt left out. It also helps when I remind myself that their choice to not include me (or their forgetting to include me) has nothing, absolutely nothing, to do with me. It was their choice or their forgetfulness. On the other side of it, I have become much more careful with my own invitations. That is because I am, I think, much more careful about my time. I only want to spend time with people who are life-giving, not life-taking (or life-sucking). I don’t want my life being sucked out of me. I know I am a generous and grateful person, and I do not want to change that. I want to be (very?) careful, however, about not becoming a doormat and having people walk over me or use me and then discard me. It might be time to hit the pause button, Pat, just to give yourself a chance to see who is really there for/with you, knowing that there is absolutely nothing wrong with you or your invitations. Keep accepting/embracing you. As for your invitations, they are yours to make or not; you don’t need anyone’s approval, and their acceptance or not, or their ignoring them, says nothing about you. You can, however, delete some people from your list (and you don’t have to tell them). I have. I do it regularly (almost).
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John, It does in fact help to know others have felt (are feeling) similar feelings of rejection. In many ways that tells me, it’s not about me! As you pointed out, we can’t control others actions…. they have nothing to do with me. A hard thing to keep in mind when emotions take over. I love your “their choices, their forgetfulness” phrasing. And the idea of life-taking versus life-sucking people. I will still plan things (I am a planner by nature), and really try to not take other’s actions personally! Thanks for your pep talk! It does help.
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Pat, I feel bad for what you are going through and totally get it but to help you with some possibly perspective-shifting thinking, I thought I would offer the following. I am wondering if a lot of these folks had formed bonds/groups that they tended to socialize with prior to your move. Now, you are introducing yourself into a hive that already has a queen(s) and a pattern and it may just be a matter of time before these friendships can click. I don’t think you should take it personally but understand that some of these women may have bonds that have stood the test of time and that is where their loyalty will lie. I feel if you continue to both participate in engagements you’ve been invited to as well as from time to time, initiate an outing, you will soon be considered “a regular”. One of the questions I have is how often do you try to put these events out there – and how do you go about it. Is it a casual “would anybody be interested” or (possibly because of your mode as a manager when working), your invite appears more like a demand which could put people off? I hope I am not offending you, I certainly feel your pain as I am in a similar situation, but I am hoping that by considering other alternatives rather than just rejection, you may not feel so bad. And you know, if no one wants to go, **** them and go yourself! Good luck and keep us posted.
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Ruth, Thank you for some different perspectives. (And no, I’m not at all offended!). I’m definitely going to consider them – am I being too demanding, trying to join an established hive, is it just a matter of time. Good things to think about.
My favorite, besides “don’t take it personally” (which needs to be a new mantra for me for sure) is “if no one wants to go, **** them”! And it’s heartening to know others have felt similar…. it’s one of the reason I blog – to feel less alone!
On a side note, I just got an invite to a local NYE gathering… so at least there, I made the invite list!
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I totally get it. And we’ve had this conversation before. And I’m still on the fringe with hurt feelings from time to time as well.
I have always been on the fringe of groups and for some I have found my peace and for a few I have not. Just recently I was really hurt for only being the fringe of my dance “family” and certainly feel like I do a lot to be part of that “family”. I have to admit I think mine is about my personality. I’m likable but maybe not so “lovable”? I think my “shyness” (being introverted) which most people would never believe I am, makes others think I’m snobby or standoffish.
I know you well and can’t for the life of my think why people wouldn’t include you all the time. I wish I could tell you to go on being the fabulous you that you are and just not let them get to you but I totally get that it’s hard to just let it go.
I wish I had incredible words of advice but I don’t. All I’ve got is, “let it go”.
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Candyse, I’m shocked about being of the fringe with your dance family! How dare they make you feel like that! And by-the-way… you are lovable. Really. I’ve never found you to be stand-off-ish and gosh I miss you. You were my “hell-yeah” pal – our wreath making just popped up on FB (with masks!)….you were the one I called to do those off-the-way things! I miss that.
Thanks for thinking I’m fabulous too. I need to focus on getting a thicker skin and not allow others actions to impact me as much. Easier said than done.
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It’s not something I can give advice on but I am an introvert and I have struggled with most of my life with belonging somewhere and can imagine when I reach retirement feeling still the same.
I can understand that feeling of rejection time and time again. I would feel that if those situations happened to me.
I have a few friends who are all older than me and retired that I meet up with every few weeks. That’s one place where I feel I belong.
The other place if belonging is when I see a couple of friends at their home every couple of weeks.
My other two friends, distance is where it makes it awkward for us to see one another, as ine is an American friend and the other although she lives in the UK. So it’s emailing and texting. Had they been more local I reckon we would be seeing each other more regular for walks or a cuppa.
I live on my own as much as I like my space and need quietness to recharge, if something was to happen to me where I may need that extra support, like before, I will be a majority on my own.
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Liz, I’ve always struggled with a feeling of belonging. I’ve been leaning in so much trying to establish myself here (moved just 2.5 years ago) that I thought it would be better. What I’ve learned with so many of the comments I’ve gotten in 1) it’s not me – these feelings are quite common. 2) I can’t control others actions – their choices or their forgetfulness. 3) I need to focus on the positive relationship I do have – because those are there! Plus, I’ve learned about a whole new set of people who read my blog! Welcome.
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Thank you for the welcome.
It’s hard, but yes so true that you say there, that you have learnt.
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Good grief Pat! I think we wrote the same post today – just from different perspectives! I’ve truly given up on finding new, deeper friendships. I have a handful of friends who I’ve been close to for decades – and the rest……. I’m not really sure. I came up with the term “fracquaintances” and that seems to fit the best (and for a lot of the people you’ve described today).
It feels hurtful to be excluded, but I’m reassured by your efforts (even though they appear to have failed at times) because I’ve been questioning if I’m putting in enough these days – but it appears that effort doesn’t necessarily equal results. I’m choosing to focus on reciprocity – because that shows me they’re invested in the friendship too. But man, it’s a tough one…. Sending you a hug – I’d be your pal if we lived closer. xx
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Leanne, I know… when I read your post I was, “great minds think alike!” There are a number of folks that I wish were physically closer to me… but knowing folks like you exist means that someone similar is close by… I just need to (eventually) connect with them. While I might pull back a bit on planning things… I will continue attempting to connect with others. I am a planner. I’ll just need to develop a thicker skin and not allow others actions to impact me. Easier said than done!
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Oh my gosh. What a hard time for you with this on your shoulders as well as grief. Sending you a huge HUG. It seems you’ve found some not nice people. But how do you find the right ones? I can imagine feeling like walking away from the entire group for a while and spending some quiet time licking your wounds. I wish I had words of advice, but sadly, I don’t. Two of my closest friends regularly (like maybe weekly) plan outings. I don’t get invited. Occasionally run into them when I go to an event with someone else. I have learned to just accept it as I am quite busy and would likely only say yes to 1 out of 20 invites (if I got them). I think they think I would say no because I’m busy so they don’t invite me?
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Bernie – great perspective! I wonder if I’ve said “no” one too many times to them so they don’t invite me anymore? I do have many things that keep me occupied – exercise classes, club activities. And yes, I do feel like pulling back a bit, and probably will. And get a thicker skin…not allow the actions of others to impact me as much. Thanks for the hug… really appreciate it!
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