So often in the blogging world I see posts that communicate everything is rosy. Or at least that they are fighting the good fight, seeing the silver lining, putting on a brave face, faking it till they make it. So when I spiral into another round of Compare & Despair, I feel less than! How come they seem to have their act together? Yes, I know that social media is a highlight reel. You never see the messiness of the kitchen, the dust on the bookshelves, or the piles of stuff that need to be put away. You never hear about the doubts in their heart, the embarrassment when someone stops by, the feeling unappreciated in the club-work they are doing, the feeling that they are just not measuring up. So even when I look at my calendar and see it filled with things that are totally in line with my life vision, I’m still spiraling into a negative Compare & Despair, I am not-enough mindset! Everything is not rosy at the Doyle place.
It’s the small things that seem to be building up this week: the aftermath of dealing with the hurricane; the cancellation of my cardio drumming class; the nitpicking of a board member in one of my clubs. The fact everyone seems to be traveling to great vacation spots (who would have thought Portugal is the new hot spot for vacation) and I’m struggling with being positive for a long-weekend of travel – worrying about it, worst case scenario-planning aspects of it, in some ways even dreading it. I’m struggling with some ghosting in my fun-tribe planning. I’m even struggling with my current area of contemplative reading – not feeling like I’m capable.
Often blogging helps me find a path out of the negative spiral!
I do have lots of things on my calendar that fit my lifestyle vision statement:
Active Body, Connected Heart, Creative Spirit, Contemplative Mind.
I had regular weekly activity set that I loved, and then my morning cardio drumming classes got cancelled. I’m hoping my old cardio drumming place re-adds morning classes. I’m trying not to take on the drama of others (the various coaches), but hate that it’s impacting my workout program. I need to think about walking more, now that the weather is beginning to cool off (cool being a relative term as the high was still in the low 90’s today). Maybe I should consider adding in an evening sunset walk.
I have multiple clubs/groups that meet regularly for connectivity. I feel a sense of belonging in most of these gatherings/meetings. However, I am struggling with these gatherings not having any substantive conversations, nor having these connections turn into more than acquaintances. Is it enough to just go and enjoy the activity? Are my expectations too high?
My creative crafting list has gotten really long with ideas. I’ve purchased way too many bits and pieces to play with, which is creating clutter. This clutter on top of the post-hurricane clutter is just physically disruptive at the moment. I will begin to work through them – it’s about engagement, not mastery! My header picture is one of my recent crafts – a card-heart pin for an upcoming Mad Hatters gathering.
I’m exploring contemplative things again, with further reading on the concept of Light-worker and expanding my intuition. I listened to some podcasts (something I don’t usually do) on the topic and am struggling with the theories, the tools, and even if this is right for me. Am I reluctant for fear of failure?
I do have a number of fall activities planned across the elements of my lifestyle vision. And some already executed, from a couple of dinners out, to solo shelling, and an evening art walk. I am hoping the additional activities will help pull me out of the negative spiral, along with comments I’m sure to get on this blog post – which always do help!
Next up, a closer look at my negative thinking patterns. Because, I do know, my life is good. I have much to be grateful for, even when I’m having negative thought patterns. And awareness of the thinking and triggers is another good way to help find the pathway out.
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Pat, I felt overwhelmed & tired reading this because I get it! However I am much further along the age & retirement life thing than you. I read this post & thought so much of it sounded like WORK. I hope writing it helped you see that perhaps you can or may choose to see that you have very high expectations of what you thought/ hoped life in retirement might be. I felt & understood so much of this post & want to encourage you to see you can choose what works out for you or not & it’s ok. And it’s not you! You are forging and finding your OWN path ! I wish you well. I’ve made many changes to my retirement expectations & reality.
Denyse
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Denyse, my post tonight includes that very idea… choosing my own path and not comparing it to others. It’s easier said than done, and something I continue to work on. I still want to have high expectations though… not quite willing to give that up. 🙂
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I’m sorry it’s taken me so long to reply. I read it shortly after you posted it but felt it required a thoughtful answer.
As others have said, I think you are too hard on yourself. It’s been a tough year as you walk along the grieving path. The hurricanes have been a bump in the road. You are still adjusting to life in Florida. And sometimes friendships are a one-way street, and then you have to ask yourself this: “Is it worth my time to always make it happen?”
I wrote a post many years ago called https://equipoiselife.wordpress.com/2015/10/08/white-picket-fence/ and it is about how others see us. There is a public face and a private face that we wear. A couple of years ago, I was struggling because our daughter was in a mental health crisis. It wasn’t my story to tell, and so I could not talk about it like I wanted to. I craved being transparent about how I struggled because she struggled, but I had to stay quiet. That’s just one example of how things can appear to be something but really aren’t.
Life is not a straight forward path. There are always so many choices and dilemmas. Sometimes, as someone else commented, we need some quiet to hear our heart.
Hugs to you Pat.
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Bernie, Thank you for your thoughtful comment. I like the “one-way street” analogy on friendship and will definitely be thinking more about that. I am definitely taking to heart (no pun intended!) many of the comments about some quiet time to listen to my heart. Time to just be. I realized recently I used to be much better with bumps in the road…a take charge and work through it attitude. These days, I find bumps unsettle me a lot. I’m thinking a “it is what it is” affirmation might be something to take on.
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Your last sentence calls to me: “And awareness of the thinking and triggers is another good way to help find the pathway out.” I know that when I was younger I’d intentionally not be aware of my thinking, not wanting to acknowledge what I was thinking, so why pay attention to it. But now, like you, I’ve come to realize that’s no way to live a balanced life. There is negative, just don’t get caught up in it.
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Ally, So easy to write “not get caught up in it (the negative)” and so hard to execute. But yes, awareness is definitely the first step and one I’ve been focusing on. Interesting you recall when you did not acknowledge your thinking; I can’t recall ever a time I was not an over-thinker!
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You are an authentic writer. Hmmm! Maybe that’s enough! Just be that, an authentic writer. Your readers are, too. The caring responses were lovely to read after your lovely blog post. Yes, despite the struggles in it, it was lovely. Authentic is lovely.
Of course, we want to be more and we are more, but it’s also ok to be satisfied, at least for a while, with just being what we are right now, maybe even clipping back a little.
I have been pushing back at a few words lately.
Productive: I don’t need to be productive, not today, not right now.
Accomplishments: I don’t need to accomplish anything, not today, not right now.
Progress: I don’t need to progress, or make progress, not today, not right now.
Your blog posts are fabulous, as well as lovely.
Is it ok to invite you and your readers to check out my blog? If not, just delete that question and this link to my website http://www.guineyyallop.ca
Blessings!
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John, Thank you for your comment. I try to be authentic, so it’s lovely that you noticed that! I’m thinking my new mantra might be “not today, not right now”! Although, I’ve also re-framed accomplishments. Morning journaling, doing the daily crossword, or making a yummy fresh-fruit smoothie have all gone on my “daily accomplishments” list at times! I am trying to be more flexible with how the days flow. We are slowly recovering from the hurricane impact, so that is helping as well. Now, I’m heading over to check out your blog. 🙂
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Hi Pat. I’m sorry for your hard feelings. I so get it! I too have had a tough year for a variety of reasons including my own restlessness with my life. I certainly don’t have any advice except to tell you what helps me restore/regroup (1) I slow things down and sit at my desk and write what pops into my head — words, feelings, you name it. (2) I read articles on topics that suit my mood and find comfort at times with simple phrases that inspire me when I wonder what I’m doing / not doing to remember why I’m doing it — because I want to be more than my work. That phrase helped restore my motivation to what we are both trying to do now — ie., express ourselves, grow, become more of ourselves. (3) change my focus to do something for someone else.
Maybe some things aren’t working, maybe some are, maybe it’s time for find new ones. There’s a conviction required for this phase of life that’s exhausting! And trial and error is exhausting too. I often remind myself I’m the designer, builder, GC of my life. It’s work! So give yourself a breather and stay off the treadmill but time to refresh.
Thanks for a great post
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Judi, One of the reasons I did post this was to hear how reacted to it, because many folks get into these negative spirals. It’s not that things are really bad (and I am extremely grateful or that), but you got it… sometimes it just gets exhausting. It’s fascinating about your #2… I did a rabbit hole dive into articles on intuition, spirit guides, and shadow work this week, jotting down phrases that spoke to me. Someone else also suggested a slow down – some solitary quiet time. I love that I get ideas from you-all! Thanks for yours.
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Pat, I read your blog but have never commented but I felt that this last entry warranted some feedback. I think you are trying too hard. I think perhaps some peaceful solitary time in between your engagements (both engagements with others as well as your solo adventures) is warranted. Time spent reflecting, meditating on what your heart is telling you, not what you SHOULD be doing or what social media tells us is a full life. It’s only living a heart centered life that the peace and contentment come. I am on that same journey – definitely not there yet but trying. Peace.
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Thanks for your comment! I am horrible with the should’s. And not very good with meditating. In my reading on improving my intuition, meditation is highly recommended. So I think I’m going to be trying it (again).
It was interesting you used the phrase “what your heart is telling you” because that was also an insight I took from my intuition reading… I spend way too much time in my head! Some peaceful solitary time actually sounds lovely, and I’m going to be trying to do it without a mind-focus.
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Pat, I just read another blog that talked about contentment and finding satisfaction in the ordinary…this link is to a book he was recommending. I intend to check it out but thought I would pass on the suggestion to you also. Good luck.
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I like the “compare and despair” moniker for what I usually call the “hamster wheel of doom”. My variation of what you are describing comes with a heaping serving of rumination, the repetitiveness of if makes me think of being on a hamster wheel.
Keep in mind as you are reading other people’s “positive” blogs, those blogs are probably those writers’ means of making sense of THEIR rough times.
Hopefully in writing this very relatable post, you are feeling a little better about your current slump. You aren’t going it alone!
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I chuckled at the “hamster wheel of doom” … it definitely brought an interesting visual to mind. And yes, you caught it – writing the blog does help me make sense of the rough time, and start the upward spiral. And hopefully let others know, they are not alone – I had a number of folks reach out (facebook, direct) to tell me that this post helped them realize they also were not alone. That also helps me start that upward spiral!
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So can relate to compare and despair. I just read an article about best friends which sent me into a tailspin. I haven’t had a best friend since high school. If something happens to me a 2AM, I’m on my own. But it also means I’ve managed to survive for 50 years without one so it’s likely I can survive a few more years.
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I love the spin you put on it… survived without one for 50 years! I also don’t have someone I consider a best friend, besides my hubby. I have a number of folks who I do consider close friends; most of those are distant these days. I’m am definitely working on local friendship creation. I’m not sure who, besides my hubby, I’d call at 2 AM – you got me there!
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Hi Pat – I don’t have any words of advice because I think we all approach life differently and have different triggers. Your life sounds very full, and it seems to contain all the things you enjoy so I can’t offer anything extra for you. My path to being more positive is to focus on the things I enjoy and to not let outside noise interfere with that. Expectations are such a killer and overthinking is diabolical – just be gentle with yourself (you’ve been through a lot in the last year) and lean into what makes you smile. I’m sure this is a phase and things will even out again before too long. x
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Leanne, I love your phrase “not let the outside noise interfere” Sometimes that is quite the challenge, isn’t it? I actually do know that this is a phase…forcing myself to write a post about it actually helped a lot. I couldn’t even write a blog post the previous week! I am focusing on things that I enjoy – crafting, gardening, and yes, my old cardio drumming studio is adding back morning classes! The small things in life – huh?
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You touch more people than you know 💕.
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