I saw a quote (on Facebook) that said something like, “Don’t worry about who doesn’t like you, who has more, or who is doing what. Cherish what you have – the relationships you have, the time you have, the things you have/do. Embrace what you are doing. Embrace who you are.” Sounds great, and yet, my current self-limiting belief trifecta remains: I am less than, I am wrong, I don’t belong.
A big part of my retirement transition has been to become a more positive person, a conscious choice to change from the negative, critical workaholic I was. Shifting my self-limiting beliefs is part of this process.
My Enneagram Type 1 personality is reflected in feeling like I always need to be right. Type Ones fear they will be discovered to be not good enough and therefore they are terrified of making mistakes or being criticized. Inside I believe I am not good enough, so I expect to hear “You’re wrong.” I expect to hear, “You’re less than they are.” I expect to hear, “ You are not good enough to belong.”
I’ve blogged before about not feeling like I belong (link here). This blog post will explore where I stand on shifting my “less than” and “you are wrong” self-limiting beliefs.
Why do I surround myself with amazing women who make me feel less than?
In just the past few days I have felt less than when I’ve succumbed to the horrible Compare and Despair with two women friends. Not only does D have the cooking skills to effortlessly whip up lunch and dinner, but then add in her creative quilting, continued consulting work, regular workouts, and volunteer activities and I am totally feeling less than! Then there is M’s activity list: still working and at the height of her do-good career, she manages to also be an avid exerciser, a gourmet cook, keep an amazing garden, and take travel trips to exciting destinations (even in COVID, it was a great RV beach destination for the holiday). Yes, in the language of the goddesses, I surround myself with accomplished Artemis and Athena women. I just need to stop the Compare and Despair because they are amazing women to be friends with.
How do I stop hearing, “You are wrong?”
My inner voice interprets things. My not joining into the blog challenges is wrong. Not choosing a Word-of-the-year is wrong. Almost every time I cook, I’ve done something wrong – I cooked the cauliflower wrong, I over cooked the chicken, I cooked too much food, I didn’t add enough spice. When hubby doesn’t hear me well (yelling, “WHAT”), I’m the one who is wrong – I’m mumbling or I’m talking in a whisper. [OK, this has gotten better with his hearing aids!] During the kitchen refresh, I was afraid to try and fix the tile floor crack because I KNEW I would do it wrong. God forbid I try and do laundry… I’ll load the washer wrong or set the dryer wrong. [Yes, thankfully hubby does the laundry.] I’m doing my new craft stuff wrong. I’m not sure how to stop the inner interpretation of hearing “you are wrong” in everything, which I recognize as preventing me from trying things and engaging in life more fully. I would love any thoughts you might have!
“Am I doing things right?”
I am struggling with social etiquette. I’ve never been a strong social animal. Being a workaholic made socializing an infrequent activity. Even as a 20-something, I didn’t do the bar scene or go out with friends just to hang. I didn’t have friends over for dinner or wine, although it is a part of my retirement lifestyle vision! I’ve rarely traveled with friends and rarely had friends visit with us. So I am feeling at a loss on social etiquette – when doing the happy hour scene, when hanging out with people, or even when traveling to visit friends, I wonder, “Am I doing the right things? Or am I making social gaffes right and left?” Again, I’m not sure how to release this anxiety.
Shifting self-limiting beliefs, my inner voice interpretation of things, is an ongoing fight for me. Embracing the authentic me and focusing on cherishing what I have (the relationships, the time, the things) is definitely a work in progress!
What self-limiting belief are you working to change?
Credit Picture: Me. Best picture this week is of a cypress strand in Everglades National Park.