I spent this week trying to climb out of the negative doldrums I’ve been in. It’s not even the dog days of late summer with its lethargy and apathy. Astrologically, the Summer Solstice (today) is the first day of summer. Meteorologically in Florida, it’s been summer for quite a while, with one heat index this week over 110F (43C). There are still many hot summer days to go. Even so, I’m already fighting a sense of apathy, an ennui that continues to prevail.
A metaphor I wrote one day in my morning journal was, “I’m climbing the ladder, but each rung is collapsing.” Some things are just feeling hopeless. I cannot seem to impact other things, so why even try. I liked this description of ennui – too mentally weary to care about doing anything at all, a blend of listless boredom and existential dissatisfaction.
Of course, I immediately went to, how do I fix this? How do I push through the ennui? Micro-steps. But first, here’s the ennui, the doldrums I’m wallowing in.
Unfortunately, I discovered that a lack of negative does not always equate to a positive. I tried for positive anticipation versus just stopping the dread that something would go wrong, but it still felt like a “just don’t let anything go wrong” expectation. I tried to keep my distance from a toxic connection, saw from a distance the dis-harmony and chaos, and then felt guilty for not helping. A couple of other big hits this week contributed to my desire to just give up.
- Even though the architect and structural engineer designed it to code, the building department permitted it confirming it met code, the framers and roofers built it to the design specs, the inspector is now saying it is not to (his interpretation of) code, and refusing to allow us to proceed until it is “fixed”. So, we can either fight it (a 2-3 month delay) or try and retrofit and fix it (figure out what to do and $$). At this point, I wonder when we will have the house build finished – my hope-for move-in date keeps moving out with no end in sight.
- I love organizing information. But when I did that recently and then shared the information, I was disparaged. It was certainly not needed (in their minds), it was done poorly (in their minds), and even a “how dare you” do it. So, the act of creating energized me (it really did!), and then the sharing massively depleted me! Should I have simply created it for my own sake and not shared? So much for trying to be helpful.
I contemplated becoming a “whatever girl,” to start using the term “whatever” as a response. Even though when it’s used in response to something I’ve proposed, I despise it! Why? Because it is a rude response. It implies indifference and dismissal; it implies you do not care for the person making the proposal. It’s also a statement that claims, “I’m not involved in the decision and therefore not responsible for the failure of the outcome”. It communicates a lack of autonomy, a lack of believing you have control over that part of your life. And I know that autonomy is a core value of mine!
More exploration on good-girl syndrome helped me understand another aspect of this ennui. The concept of cognitive dissonance popped up a few times this week. It’s the mental tension produced when we consistently act (perform) in ways that contradict who we believe ourselves to be. It’s a (mental and physical) discomfort when your behaviors clash with your beliefs. I believe myself to be a good girl – and it is a deeply ingrained belief.
Good girls have learned to deflect compliments, minimize their accomplishments, and attribute success to luck rather than skill. They learned that harmony is their responsibility. Mistakes mean disappointing people and being rejected. Anger makes them appear difficult. Saying no makes them selfish. Sadness makes them dramatic. Expressing hurt makes them too sensitive. Self-care feels indulgent and selfish. They have an inner world that is filled with self-doubt, often equate feeling needed with belonging, and are constantly second-guessing and over-preparing.
And so, when I try to share my accomplishments (my organized information), try not to worry about harmony (simply avoid the situation), try to express negative emotions, or stop trying to respond to what’s needed, I feel that cognitive dissonance – this is not me. And any negative reaction to not being the good girl feels like a double-wham. How can I break this deeply held belief that surfaces as discomfort with my current attempts to modify behaviors? Because always being the good girl isn’t healthy either!
I feel like this is a variation on “I see dead people.” Patterns lose their power when you can actually spot them. I am spotting my good girl patterns! I am spotting my need for external validation patterns! I am spotting when potential situations will be draining! I see them.
Going forward this week, the micro-steps I will take to climb that ladder out of the doldrums:
- Continue naming the emotions I feel. Naming the negative emotions helps them to be eased.
- Continue to be honest about what I will and will not engage in. “Does saying yes to this activity/request make me feel energized or drained?”
- Continue to focus on the accomplishments, even the small ones. Yes, the event met expectations (nothing went wrong!). Yes, we have the financial capability to write the check to avoid the 2-3 month delay. Yes, my organization of the information was damn good.Yes, I’m seeing the patterns. And it’s perfectly fine to be reading some lighthearted mysteries instead of the impactful book club books or spend hours doing crossword puzzles in the cool AC.
- Put together a summer possibilities plan with things that will energize (not drain) and provide a solid rung on that ladder.
Summer is here. What fun or exciting thing are you looking forward to?
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Popping in from your current post, because I must have missed this one!
OMG building inspectors! As contractors, I can’t tell you how many times in 25 years I have wanted to SCREAM at them. Some act so God-like and interpret the codes “their way”. Some pass through with nary a glance. In the same town building department no less.
So much that you write resonates with me – the good girl. I experienced the ennui yesterday after my somewhat unexpected house guests left. I felt like I had to do something, like my weekend things I love to do when I have the weekend to do them. But I couldn’t get up and around to do anything. My husband encouraged me to just sit and read or watch a show. Which I did and then got up and took a walk to clear my head.
I’ll think happy thoughts for your continued home re-build.
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I will take all the positive happy thoughts I can! At least we’ve got a solution for the current issues and will start moving forward again. I’m just happy that my GC is willing to find solutions and keeps his cool. I’m usually the one screaming and cursing.
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He sounds like a good contractor!
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That is a very tall ladder. Bless your heart. But I like the metaphor you created about the rungs collapsing on the ladder as you climb it. I envisioned the rungs behind you, the ones you have climbed already, collapsing so that you are unable to focus on the past but can only move forward.
My LORD this inspector!! If you were in El Paso, a $20 spot would convince him to see things the way everyone else sees them. I am just sitting here shaking my head. How infuriating. But sadly not something you can say ‘whatever’ to.
I have begun saying ‘whatevs’ now and then. It is dismissing and rude but some times that is all I have left. Life can be very trying and confusing and exhausting. And not everyone or every situation deserves my best manners!!
Continue to evaluate each activity/opportunity??/potential experience as to whether they will lift you up or knock the stuffing out of you. I sure am. No time for things I don’t really want to do anymore.
Continued prayers. May they be answered quickly!!
Leslie at https://onceuponatimehappilyeverafteragain.blogspot.com/
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Thanks Leslie. It’s been interesting the responses I’ve gotten about the inspector – yours was the first that indicated possible bribery! Most others said fight him. As there are more inspections along the way, we don’t want to make him angry at us! There have already been a couple of examples of people being denied Certificate Of Occupancy at the end of the build because the inspection issues were not dealt with. Yes, everybody shares their horror stories to help others not be in same situation. We, of course, have dealt with every inspection issue. There’s something to be said for being the good girl and having a GC who is also on the up and up.
I didn’t say “whatever” this week, but did try and focus on the positives, engage in activities that lifted me up, and definitely talked myself out of at least one possible negative spiral. So a couple of rungs up the ladder!
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I am so sorry you are still struggling after all the positive things you do. I hope this week has seen some house progress and glimpses of a personal peace. HUGS. Bernie
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Isn’t there a quote like “from your lips to God’s ears”? Cause, it was a bit of progress on house this week. And yes, it does help, even if that progress was miniscule!
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That is awesome!
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Pat, your life is due for an upturn, and it will happen. I hope the contractor is taking responsibility and sharing the cost of the ‘correction.’
Your Good Girls paragraph resonated with me today. My daughter has decided to express her annoyance with me almost every time we interact. The source is apparently an unresolved childhood trauma (that I unknowingly inflicted). It came out of the blue, and I am working to understand, but it is frustrating. The result is a lot of self-reflection, so thank you for that paragraph. No one is perfect, but we all do the best we can within our limited framework.
Wishing you the best. We are driving north on Saturday to escape the heat for a couple of weeks. It got hot way too fast this year.
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Suzanne, I really appreciate that even though you’re not blogging, you continue to interact on my blog! I always find your comment very perceptive. I don’t have kids but I know that in my recognition of my own childhood trauma, I never have blamed my mom. It happened, but I can’t blame her. We all do as well as we know we can! Hopefully your daughter will arrive at a more positive place as well.
I call folks like you the “heat avoiders” and can definitely relate to getting away for a bit. I’m planning middays in the AC!
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Hitting the “like” button seems so inappropriate. I’m so sorry about the house building problem. I simply can’t imagine being out of my house as long as you have had to endure.
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Sometimes I think the “like button” is merely “I hear you”! And I appreciate that people are supportive of my whining at times. What’s a bit frightening is our house is actually on the early edge of the building curve. There are multiple people just in the permitting stage right now. Yes, at almost the 2 year mark. I didn’t believe people when they said that to me 2 yeas ago… that it would be more than 2-3 years and things would still not be back. It will be easily 4-5 years before all the houses are rebuilt… some still need to be sold and torn down (literally).
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I guess hurricanes just overwhelm city resources. I simply can’t image being in temporary housing for so long. This year will be our 8th winter in Florida but we still do not want to buy. Now that hubby will turn 80 next year, we are starting to have to think about where we will live when we need “assistance” to care for our living space. Gainesville with our oldest son, South Carolina with our daughter, or Cincinnati with our youngest son. I suspect the need to maintain doctors for all hubby’s issues will keep us in Cincy.
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I understand about thinking ahead. We are putting in an elevator, wide doors and large showers in the new house, all with the intent of longer time in this space. I have no idea what our “next stage” will be, but hopefully we have a number of years till we need to really consider that. [My hubby is just 70.]. And Cincy is a great city…. Hubby just couldn’t handle the winters anymore.
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Wow…it sounds really tough Pat, and the house just keeps adding to it doesn’t it? I hope you write that cheque and keep moving forward. I also strongly believe that we are who we are and that means we feel hurt or dismissed at times, we acknowledge that and have to live with it at times. Gradually untying ourselves from outcomes and opinions shows progress, but it’s a slow, uphill climb. You’ll get there and once this house is finally done, you’ll have a lot less stress on your plate.
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Leanne, Thank you for the encouragement. It does help to have a virtual cheerleader! I’m still awaiting how big that check is going to be, but we are closer to having a solution and yes, we restarted the forward movement this week. Thank goodness!
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