Climbing Out?

I spent this week trying to climb out of the negative doldrums I’ve been in. It’s not even the dog days of late summer with its lethargy and apathy. Astrologically, the Summer Solstice (today) is the first day of summer. Meteorologically in Florida, it’s been summer for quite a while, with one heat index this week over 110F (43C). There are still many hot summer days to go. Even so, I’m already fighting a sense of apathy, an ennui that continues to prevail.

A metaphor I wrote one day in my morning journal was, “I’m climbing the ladder, but each rung is collapsing.”  Some things are just feeling hopeless. I cannot seem to impact other things, so why even try. I liked this description of ennui – too mentally weary to care about doing anything at all, a blend of listless boredom and existential dissatisfaction.

Of course, I immediately went to, how do I fix this?  How do I push through the ennui? Micro-steps. But first, here’s the ennui, the doldrums I’m wallowing in.

Unfortunately, I discovered that a lack of negative does not always equate to a positive.  I tried for positive anticipation versus just stopping the dread that something would go wrong, but it still felt like a “just don’t let anything go wrong” expectation.  I tried to keep my distance from a toxic connection, saw from a distance the dis-harmony and chaos, and then felt guilty for not helping. A couple of other big hits this week contributed to my desire to just give up.

• Even though the architect and structural engineer designed it to code, the building department permitted it confirming it met code, the framers and roofers built it to the design specs, the inspector is now saying it is not to (his interpretation of) code, and refusing to allow us to proceed until it is “fixed”. So, we can either fight it (a 2-3 month delay) or try and retrofit and fix it (figure out what to do and $$).  At this point, I wonder when we will have the house build finished – my hope-for move-in date keeps moving out with no end in sight.
• I love organizing information. But when I did that recently and then shared the information, I was disparaged. It was certainly not needed (in their minds), it was done poorly (in their minds), and even a “how dare you” do it.  So, the act of creating energized me (it really did!), and then the sharing massively depleted me! Should I have simply created it for my own sake and not shared?  So much for trying to be helpful.

I contemplated becoming a “whatever girl,” to start using the term “whatever” as a response. Even though when it’s used in response to something I’ve proposed, I despise it!  Why?  Because it is a rude response. It implies indifference and dismissal; it implies you do not care for the person making the proposal. It’s also a statement that claims, “I’m not involved in the decision and therefore not responsible for the failure of the outcome”. It communicates a lack of autonomy, a lack of believing you have control over that part of your life.  And I know that autonomy is a core value of mine!

More exploration on good-girl syndrome helped me understand another aspect of this ennui. The concept of cognitive dissonance popped up a few times this week. It’s the mental tension produced when we consistently act (perform) in ways that contradict who we believe ourselves to be. It’s a (mental and physical) discomfort when your behaviors clash with your beliefs. I believe myself to be a good girl – and it is a deeply ingrained belief.  

Good girls have learned to deflect compliments, minimize their accomplishments, and attribute success to luck rather than skill.  They learned that harmony is their responsibility. Mistakes mean disappointing people and being rejected. Anger makes them appear difficult. Saying no makes them selfish. Sadness makes them dramatic. Expressing hurt makes them too sensitive. Self-care feels indulgent and selfish. They have an inner world that is filled with self-doubt, often equate feeling needed with belonging, and are constantly second-guessing and over-preparing. 

And so, when I try to share my accomplishments (my organized information), try not to worry about harmony (simply avoid the situation), try to express negative emotions, or stop trying to respond to what’s needed, I feel that cognitive dissonance – this is not me. And any negative reaction to not being the good girl feels like a double-wham. How can I break this deeply held belief that surfaces as discomfort with my current attempts to modify behaviors? Because always being the good girl isn’t healthy either!

I feel like this is a variation on “I see dead people.” Patterns lose their power when you can actually spot them. I am spotting my good girl patterns! I am spotting my need for external validation patterns! I am spotting when potential situations will be draining! I see them.

Going forward this week, the micro-steps I will take to climb that ladder out of the doldrums:

• Continue naming the emotions I feel. Naming the negative emotions helps them to be eased.
• Continue to be honest about what I will and will not engage in.  “Does saying yes to this activity/request make me feel energized or drained?”
• Continue to focus on the accomplishments, even the small ones.  Yes, the event met expectations (nothing went wrong!). Yes, we have the financial capability to write the check to avoid the 2-3 month delay. Yes, my organization of the information was damn good.Yes, I’m seeing the patterns. And it’s perfectly fine to be reading some lighthearted mysteries instead of the impactful book club books or spend hours doing crossword puzzles in the cool AC.
• Put together a summer possibilities plan with things that will energize (not drain) and provide a solid rung on that ladder.

Summer is here. What fun or exciting thing are you looking forward to?

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