You Are Good Enough

As I continue exploring recovery from trauma, improving my resilience, and managing my emotional regulation, it was helpful to see some different approaches to change my thinking. I was particularly attracted to ways to convince myself that “You’re never good enough” is a lie. Because a deeply-entrenched self-limiting belief like this one is a pattern carved deep by years of repetition and habit, and “You can’t just think your way out of a core belief like that. You need new experiences that contradict it.”  This was a helpful to think about in the area that I feel I’ve been unsuccessful impacting.

In my recent explorations, the term Cognitive Distortion was new, but the concept was familiar.  Cognitive Distortion is to understand what my inner voice is “saying.”  Is it jumping to conclusions, over-generalizing, unfavorably comparing, fortune telling, catastrophizing? My inner voice is often interpreting things based on a deeply- entrenched self-limiting belief that I am never good enough, that I am not worthy.  So, three areas to change the experience emerged:

Stop the Flaw Fixation. Flaw fixation is part of my inner critical thinking skill and innate pessimism. Of course, humans are also biologically designed to see the negatives. While I do practice many aspects of positivity psychology, I still have a tendency to zoom in on the negatives while filtering out anything positive. And still living my hurricane trauma, plus surrounded by others dealing with it as well, it is not easy to focus on the positive. Perhaps an excuse, but also a reality.

However, flaw fixation also includes deflecting compliments and downplaying your accomplishments. Yes, guilty of both! What I learned is this tendency might reflect a belief that accepting praise will make you seem arrogant or conceited (Yes! Arrogance is not a good girl attribute.). And what it also does is reinforce the story you tell yourself about not being good enough.  It’s refusing to acknowledge the truth that you are really good at something! (“Anyone could have done it, no big deal.”)

With this insight, some new experiences to work on stopping flaw fixation could be:

• Start by practicing a simple response to a compliment, especially on something you’ve accomplished: “Thank you.” Full stop.
• Celebrate accomplishments in the moment. When something positive happens—even small things – pause & focus on it for 20 to 30 seconds. Let yourself feel it in your body to teach your body positive experiences.
• Savoring (a positive psychology practice) to extend the positive experiences. Write down your achievements and read them again and again. Give yourself credit for what you actually did!
• Limit the woe-is-me house rebuild conversations.
• Celebrate other’s accomplishments. This focus on the positive can extend to others, without it being a compare & despair moment.

Watch Your Words. Catching words can change the experience of what I am saying, or what I am taking in. I have gotten better at listening for the “should”.  (Stop should-ing on yourself!) And shifting to could, or choose to/choose not to.  I need to also listen for the over-generalizing “always” or “never.” And there’s also the “ought to”, or “must.”  

Can you hear similar phrases in your own words, whether spoken out loud or in your thoughts: “I should have exercised yesterday.” “I should be more patient.” “I shouldn’t have eaten that.” “I must get this done.” “I ought to be further along by now.” “I’m always saying the wrong thing.” “I’ve never been good at that.” Each one of these words carries an implicit judgment: if you’re doing/being this thing or not doing/being that thing, you’re not good enough.

Another word to listen for is “sorry”. While there’s been a meme about “sorry, not sorry”, saying “sorry” has become a reflex for so many people.  Apologizing excessively for things that aren’t your fault reinforces a belief that you’re doing something wrong just by being yourself, for being human. Once again, reinforcing you are (innately) not good enough.

Do you apologize for asking a question, taking up space, having needs, expressing an opinion? Do you apologize when someone else is doing something wrong, when something happened you had absolutely nothing to do with? Ask yourself: what am I actually apologizing for? Did I do something that genuinely warrants an apology?

I learned some phrases to consider versus saying I’m sorry: “thank you for your patience”, “let’s find a solution together”, “That is really disappointing/a tough situation.”, or “I understand you’re hurting; how might I help.”

Listening for when I use these words (out loud or in my thinking) , or stopping my thought patterns when I hear others use these words, can change the experience.

Continue the Boundary Building. Toxic relationships or situations where you’re undervalued drain your self-worth because they provide constant negative feedback, confirming and reinforcing beliefs about your unworthiness. If I want to maintain relationships with energy-draining people or situations (something I consciously choose in this blog post – link here), I need to create stronger boundaries. Beyond the detachment ideas I talked about in that previous blog, it also means trying some new thought shifts for when triggers (things said/written) make me feel ways that reinforce the “not good enough” belief – incompetent, disrespected, less than, rejected.

• If I am feeling incompetent…I will kindly remind myself that mistakes are just part of the learning process and do not define my worth.
• If I am feeling incompetent…I will reflect on whether the criticism is valid and intended to help me grow, or if it stems from the other person’s own insecurities.
• If I am feeling less than…I will stop comparing myself to others and focus on my unique strengths, channeling my energy and being my own cheerleader, and acknowledging my own unique path.
• If I feel rejected… I will evaluate whether the situation stems from a misunderstanding or a fundamental shift in the friendship/relationship.
• If I feel disrespected… I will not take it personally, but rather view it as a reflection of the other person’s character. My worth is not defined by others’ opinions.

I need to remember that what other people say and do is more about their expectations, issues, or life choices than it is about my value.

Are these dramatically new approaches to shift deeply held beliefs? Perhaps not. But as a continual work in progress, I do hope I can take on these approaches to aid in my trauma recovery and emotional regulation.

Was there something here that was a new idea to you? 

Picture: House progress – We have a roof! And interior walls, which I have not seen in person yet, as no stairs in place.

P.S. I wrote most of this blog over a week ago, and have been working on using these new approaches as well as the detachment ideas. It’s been a bit exhausting, but I also feel a bit of progress as I caught myself thinking, “No, this is NOT about me being not good enough”.

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