One of my book clubs finished reading a light romance called Nora Goes Off Script by Annabel Monaghan, which stimulated some conversation about the script we were brought up believing we needed to follow. As my book club is mostly women around my age, it was clear we all had been brought up with a similar script. And for most of us, it was not the script the trailblazers of our generation were living. It was the one for the “regular folk.” (Granted, regular meaning middle-class white women.)
Here’s that script: be a good girl, go to college for an acceptable degree (like teacher or nurse), find a boyfriend from a good family with good prospects to support you, get married after college, start working and buy the house, get pregnant, have the boy and then the girl, stop working to be full-time mom and be active in the PTA, go back to work after the kids are grown, retire when your husband retires and focus on the grandkids. We all kind of nodded and laughed. Because we recognized the script and yet not one of us had lived it.
Nothing in the script talked about picking the wrong boy, dealing with an abusive spouse or a cheating spouse, or dealing with divorce. Nothing in the script talked about being a single mom in your 30’s and 40’s, or being alone in your late 50’s or 60’s. Nothing in the script talked about being an independent woman, managing as the head of household. Nothing in the script talked choosing to not have children. Nothing in the script dealt with significant health issues, dealing with early onset Alzheimer’s, or parental caregiving.
But there’s a number of aspects of the script most women my age did live. Most have had children or step-children. It’s sometimes a personal challenge to being the only one in a group to not have the children, step-children, and grandchildren to chat about. Many women my age have not been the primary breadwinner (head of household), and the loss of a spouse managing that role (whether through poor health, death, or divorce) can be challenging, even frightening. I’m often perceived as an oddity because I am totally comfortable managing the family finances and project management in our house rebuild. (With a supportive spouse, but managing it myself. And often stressed about it, but comfortable with it as well.)
Even in retirement there have been scripts. The script about continuing to work after an early retirement (part time, consulting, second career). Yes, I did that one for a short while! There is the script where you are expected to travel. It comes up so regularly in conversation that I’m not sure how many times I’ve been asked, “Where are you traveling next/this year?” Then there’s the script where you are expected to have health issues, expected to slow down, expected to play golf and bridge (or the 21st century equivalent of pickleball and mahjong). Well, some of that is reality as slowing down is actually healthier than the busy-ness we were expected to live in our younger days! And, unfortunately, many people my age are dealing with significant health issues for themselves or their partners. This was not the script we heard about in our youth, but the reality of still living life in our 60’s, 70’s and 80’s.
So, I’ve realized that, like Nora in the book, I have lived off-script most of my life and continue to do so in many ways. I’m reminded of the (paraphrased) line from one of my favorite poems, I took the path less traveled and it has made all the difference. Sometimes it (still) raises challenges in my life, but in so many ways I am blessed and grateful for the mostly off-script path I’ve taken.
Do you recall the script from your own youth? Have you lived your life more on-script or more off-script?
Picture: Finally, some house progress 🙂
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Hi Pat, I’ve followed the script you described for the most part. There were a few detours along the way, but it all led me to a good place. I never aspired to be the breadwinner or financial planner and fully embraced being a homemaker and mom when that path presented itself. Now, after twenty years of retirement, we find ourselves a little lost. We had the typical retirement- golf, social engagements, and volunteer work. That got old fast. We downsized our home and belongings. We experimented with rental options (size and location). We inherited a home we wouldn’t choose for ourselves, which has been an interesting plot twist. We have road tripped, train tripped, and cruise shipped. Travel is still fun, but it has an expiration date. It feels a bit strange to be unsettled at 70, but that is where we are right now. I’m writing this from a hotel room in Alpharetta, GA, on our way to Chattanooga, TN, to celebrate Thanksgiving with friends and explore a few areas along the way. Wishing you a blessed day of thanks. Love the photo of your new home progress. Congratulations.
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That unsettled feeling of not knowing what to do was me in the early years of retirement. I read somewhere that we go though a major life transition every 7-10 years, not always signaled by an external event (like retirement, giving birth, empty nest). After 20 years of retirement (wow), I guess you’re due for that transitional moment! It took me a long while to move through my transition, and some deep soul searching, to figure out what came next. I’m thinking this new house build is a bit of another transition – our community will be different, many people we’ve met have sold and moved on, we believe lots of houses will now be Air BnBs (not the community we bought into). So yeah, I can understand the unsettled feeling and wishing you peace as you navigate the path going forward.
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Pat, I think we are at that major life transition that you mentioned. It seems that we have ‘been there, done that’ and nothing new has presented itself as an alternative. I am cautious about being careful what you wish for going forward.
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Glad to see your house is finally going up.👍😊 My script was more along the lines of get a degree, what subject didn’t matter. Don’t be in a hurry to marry. Nothing about kids (great, because I don’t have any!). This may have partly been because abuse my parents both had degrees, married after their junior year, had three children, Dad was the breadwinner and in the Army. Not a happy marriage, either. I think they both wanted something different for me than the path they took. I don’t recall any retirement script, though. We live in a community of very active people who travel a lot, but we just do what we are happy doing.
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I love when I hear people say “we just do what we are happy doing”. Interesting your point on your parents wanting something different for you than the path they took. I think I’m a bit similar; my mom never graduated college and always thought that held her back. So going to college and becoming a professional was instilled in me early on.
And yes, we are thrilled to see the house started. Of course, the holiday this week brought everything to a complete standstill. I’ve big hopes for renewed effort on Monday!
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Posted my thought to the post under Leannelc’s! Sorry. But wanted to add Yay on the foundation! I keep my husband updated 😁
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I did not live the scripted life. Met my husband in a crazy scenario, one child, the financier of the family…now in the “heading to retirement” stage of life, but am I? Travel IS expected, but boy, we love our house, and area we live in…
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Have to ask… is travel expected because YOU want it?
One of the things I think is great about retirement these days is you can make it whatever you want. There are expectations, but if you’ve lived off-script all these years, you’re used to it and can make your “retirement years” anything you want easily!
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Travel is expected by people who think because we are free from the confines of our business, we’ll be traveling. I’m looking forward to shaping my time off as I see fit. A balance of my hobbies at home and outside adventures!
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I know exactly what you mean about the script Pat – and add to that all the layers of being a good girl etc. There’s also the many undercurrents that come with being involved in a church for decades etc.
I smiled when you mentioned the off-script stuff and I can certainly relate to it all, and the stress and disharmony that comes from expectations vs reality. I re-read a post I wrote a few years back about what causes stress and this quote I shared resonates with what you’re saying about living off-script: “Stress happens when you hold two opposing thoughts in your mind about the same subject. “I want that, but I can’t have it.” “I’m sitting in traffic, but I don’t want to be.” I should be doing this, but I don’t want to.” This creates disharmony in the mind and gives rise to stressful emotions. You are at odds with yourself. When an opposing thought contradicts a desire, you have to either change the thought or let go of the desire. You can’t drive down two different roads at the same time. You must pick one.“
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I love that – wow! Really powerful for me as I always feel like there are 2 different “me”s living inside my head.
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Leanne, love that quote, especially the last two lines. You’re so right that there is tension/stress when the road you pick is at odds with either your desire or the social norms! Different stresses, but both real. I don’t know how many times I have thought, “I should be doing this, but I don’t want to!” I’m getting better at saying no to the should and yes to the real desire. At recognizing the expectation or the fantasy and trying to put it aside for the reality. Better, but still not great!
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