I saw a term recently that resonated. “No”-vember. It encouraged “saying no” to the things that drain us. And a deliberate “yes” to the very best things—the things that fill us up and bring us joy.
I had come to the realization that I am feeling overwhelmed partly because I took on too much as a distraction from the lack of house recovery movement. I felt (feel?) overwhelmed, drained, short tempered. In my last blog post (link here) I said I wanted to focus on choosing to do things that answered the question “Will doing this bring me enjoyment?” in a resounding positive way. Not in an “I should do it” way. Thinking about saying “no” in No-vember has been an interesting approach.
Saying no can look like:
- Declining a social invite that just doesn’t align with my needs or that I know will be draining.
- Stopping myself from adding on things to my to-do list because I think I should do them. Yes, I tend to “should on myself” a lot!
- Turning down a commitment that sounds meaningful but just doesn’t fit my current life season. And not feeling guilty about it.
- Saying no to over-explaining a boundary. I do not need to justify myself, even to myself.
- Saying no to managing something that isn’t actually my responsibility. I used the “it’s not my job” phrase a few times in the last couple of weeks! A very hard thing as I was raised to the mantra, “if you see something that needs to be done, do it”.
- Refrain from scrolling media or checking my email multiple times a day. (a hard one for sure!)
This month has been about coming back to what is truly authentically me and what brings me joy. To stop trying to do everything that I see needs to be done or what I think I should do. To do things because I enjoy them, because they bring me joy, because they are fun. To leave space in my schedule to breathe. To recognize when and where I am really valued.
I’m beginning to recognize the micro-pressures I receive to go along and not cause waves, but then I stress about going along with something I disagree with. I need to say no and not just go along with things. I also have a number of things in my life that I’m now thinking, “why did I agree to do that?” I’ll complete the commitments I’ve made, but I need to be more choiceful with my “yes” in the future! And I really, really need to focus on when I’m should-ing on myself and stop doing that.
Some of the real-life things so far this month that are helping me “fill back up”: Hubby bought me a pair of noise-cancelling headphones (to shut out the foulmouthed neighbor and blood-curdling screams of kids outside). I’ve had a number of do-nothing days (and not felt guilty about them). Hubby & I had a museum day & dinner date, something that always fills me up! I celebrated myself some of my accomplishments (even if no-one else recognized them). I reviewed my old Jolts of Joy list and am putting a few things “back into rotation”.
And on the house front, ground has been broken, first inspection passed, and we have footers poured. Yes, we have cement (4 trucks worth) in the ground – the beginning of a house!
Are there things you’d like to say “no” to in No-vember?
Picture – the beginning of our build!
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Yay to your house progress!
I’m pretty good about saying “no” to things. Unfortunately, sometimes today me says “yes” and then future me wonders what in the heck I was thinking.
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Janis, Yup, I’ve been doing a bit of the “what the heck was I thinking”! I’ve tried to back out of some things and then feel guilty about it. But I will continue to try as the couple of do-nothing days really did help me feel less depleted.
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Hi Pat, I’ve been quiet online for a little while…I needed a ‘social media’ break and I took it. I even deleted a few apps from my phone that were pulling me in when I really didn’t want to. I’ve been reading more and spending time outdoors on my screen porch – thank goodness for warm fall days!! I’m so happy to hear you’ve got FOOTERS!!! Yay!! I hope things go smoothly (and quickly) from this point on … you’ve had enough frustrations to last a lifetime 🙂
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I chuckled at your “warm fall days” as we were all sweating the other day while decorating the town park for our holiday festival. We are still hitting 80’s and wearing t-shirts and shorts – still summer weather to me! I’m trying to stop FaceBook scrolling & reel watching, to read more and plan more outdoor walks. It’s good to hear that you went quiet on-line for a bit – gives me hope I too can break some of my bad habits.
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This is definitely something I need to remember to do. I recently took the lead on something for our HOA and while I enjoy it, I forgot how challenging it is to work with other people!! Everyone has ideas, which initially is good, but it can be overwhelming. I also had a first – two of my neighbors asked about the cards I make. Both wanted to buy some. I ended up making 18 cards that weren’t in my November plans. It may mean I have to sacrifice something else I wanted to do. But the affirmation is nice, too, as they loved what I made. One asked if she could show/tell others, and I actually did say no, at least for now. I told her I didn’t want the obligation right now.
Love that your new place is showing progress. Will have to check it out when we get down there in January. I’m so excited for you.
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I totally understand the affirmation when someone wants something you’ve created! How wonderful for you that your cards are so well accepted. I miss having the space to do my craft dabbling. I know it’s not forever; I’m looking forward to restocking my craft supplies and delving into something. I’ve had a few ideas, and Pinterest dives.
By January, I’m hoping we might have walls and a roof. Not plumbing or electric or roof finish, but structure. My GC will be putting a schedule together once we have foundation slab poured; unfortunately we’re now into the holidays and who knows what time off various subs will be taking.
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I have been doing Fall house cleaning for over a month now and I am depleted. No help whatsoever. Very hard work, moving heavy furniture, book shelves, box springs, mattresses, etc. So this year I am saying No to Christmas. I am too exhausted. I will not derive joy from it (decorating, cooking, etc) for one person. I will try to celebrate the real reason behind all the craziness. I wish I would have said no earlier in my life. I gave all my life and now I am empty. Learning to say NO is a good beginning. We have to put ourselves first, because nobody else is going to do it.
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I too am saying no to all the holiday stuff as I have no energy to try and figure any of it out in our temporary housing. I wish I had the energy as I used to love decorating, making cookies, doing the full Thanksgiving dinner, going to holiday concerts. It just feels overwhelming. And unfortunately it also feels like one more thing I’m losing to the hurricane flood.
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Pat, it is the perfect time of year to set the tone for do-nothing and say-NO days. The holidays are stressful enough without the added pressure of commitments – especially ones that your heart is not fully into. Congratulations on completing the footers. It’s really happening!!!
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Suzanne, Yes, the house is really starting, finally. That has been my focus when I start to spiral into the negative. Saying no to things and not feeling guilty is hard. But the do-nothing days are actually settling me and I’m going to keep focusing on them. The holidays will actually help as we don’t have any family commitments and so many quiet days are expected. [I’ll need to be prepared for slower house movement through the holidays though. Finally begun and holiday season!]
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… To leave space in my schedule to breath…I rarely do this but the next two weeks has plenty of it and I am working hard to say No and not to fill it up. I’ve deep cleaned the sewing/crafting space and have several items now at the top of the list to create. I wish I could say no to my regular volunteer commitment but it’s not in the cards just yet.
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Even though I claimed No-vember, it’s been a challenge to keep to it and not feel guilty for saying no to things. I’ll continue to practice it as we move towards the end of the year.
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Hi Pat – it feels like you’ve crested your horrible hill after all that climbing, and you’re finally able to pause and take in a little of the view. I hope it’s all coasting downhill from here on out until you’re all moved into your lovely new home.
On a side note, a couple of years ago someone asked me to take on a role that I used to do but that was now part of a paid position they held. I said – “no” and that I was getting better at saying “no” to things that weren’t a good fit. They hadn’t known me long and thought I was good at stating my case…. little did they know that “yes” me was cheering myself on in the for standing my ground. Saying “no” can be very liberating – so enjoy your No-vember and your Do-Nothing Days. xx
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Leanne, As November continues, it’s been a challenge to make the choices, to say no to things, to stand my ground. I have given myself permission to have the do-nothing days and to not feel guilty for saying no. Perhaps it will get easier with practice, as most things do!
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