This week continued my emotional healing process. With no forward motion yet on the house recovery, the emotional healing is definitely feeling up and down.
There’s been multiple times where my inner voice says, “Why bother?” Why bother getting out of bed? Why bother trying to plan something that won’t work out? Why bother trying to push through on another build obstacle? I see more properties going up for sale as others stop fighting the systems and give up. And aother friend is moving out of town. But I push through. It may be after a few hours curled up in a fetal position crying, but I am still pushing through.
Comments on my last post (link here) provided me with support, perspective, and guidance. I realized that I often use writing to help drive clarity for myself, as even this blog post is doing. The term “fringe friend” was used and I love it, both for the alliteration and for the reality of it. I am back to where I was a year ago, in accepting the reality versus the fantasy of friendship. I have many “casual friends” locally and am very grateful for them. I do have tribes where I might not be the center, but I am definitely on the periphery. I read these lines this week about being on the periphery: “Not excluded, but not essential. Rarely the first one picked, but never the last. Not overlooked, but not always noticed.” So, I am in the tribe, but on the fringe. I’m.a fringe friend, and that is OK I will continue to work on deepening some of those friendships with intentional connections.
I mentioned to someone the other day that I seem to have lost a year, and he agreed we all have. The hurricane recovery has simply wiped out a year for many of us. I am back a year in my personal development. And unfortunately, back to the struggles I was dealing with a year ago – friendship reality, travel anxiety, and learning to be my authentic self. It’s disheartening to realize I’ve made no progress on these areas this past year.
This week there were some reminders to help with the reality of friendship and the acceptance of my authentic self.
- The reminder that I am the one putting meaning on other’s actions and words. When I am not asked to join in an activity, I am the one putting meaning on it! I think, I’m not worthy. I think, they don’t like me. I think, I’m really not part of the group. I react to the meaning I’m putting on the situation!
- The reminder that I need to focus on my values and realize that in many situations, I am not interested in joining in. I am not a go-out-to-the-bar-for-drinks person. I am not a go-out-every-night-with-the-girls person either. I like my quiet solitary time. I like spending time with my hubby. I might never be in the center of a tribe because it’s not really authentic to me.
- The reminder, pointed out after my last blog post by a number of people, that others do value my presence, my words, my contributions. Even from the fringe.
- The recognition that I really do not want to learn to play pickleball or mahjong. These feel like the new “golf and bridge” for retirees! And I didn’t want to do either of those things either. I like my book club conversations, my exercise classes, and my occasional beach walks. That’s my authentic self.
Ups and downs. Working on an unexpected summer project for my garden club where I can lose myself in the work as it fits well with my innate skill set. A distraction, perhaps. But, also a feeling of accomplishment. Continuing to do things I love to do: cardio drumming, yoga, reading, crosswords. Recognizing I can’t control the weather and the planned beach shelling at sunset with moonrise just was not going to happen with major thunderstorms every evening. And that was OK; accepting that change of plans without spiraling negative. Pushing down the travel anxiety (we leave tomorrow on a mini-trip). Keeping hope alive on a building permit issuance (in the near future, fingers crossed). Just the ups and downs of life these days.
A paraphrase from one of the inspirational reading this week: “I am strong enough to face whatever comes my way. Tenacity is my middle name.” And so I get myself up and push through.
Any ups or downs in your life you’d like to share?
Picture: My lit candle during a recent tarot reflection. A light in the darkness.
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I haven’t had my house destroyed by a hurricane, so anything I say feels weak at best. So, this thing with friends and authenticity. Sometimes I think authenticity is overrated. My career put me in a position where I had to fake it socially to fit in with the tribe. When I retired, I said no more. Just do what feels authentic. But my authentic self doesn’t necessarily blend well. I’ve learned a little bit of faking is not all bad. It can bring out good qualities in me that don’t always show up to play, and it can bridge some gaps, giving me some degree of social connection. I’m only in one group where this matters, and I just try to go with the flow because I think it’s better for me than the alternative.
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Your comments remind me how much I faked it while working. Some of those things became so ingrained, I find them second nature now! Part of my retirement has been to try and figure out what is really me (my values, my innate skills, my wants) and what isn’t (societal shoulds, skills I’ve learned but don’t really like to do). To me this says figuring out what is authentic. But I fully understand some of that doesn’t play well with others! I think that’s where my rub is coming in… I do want at times to play with others, and then I feel like I have to suppress parts of my authentic self…and so i stay on the fringe and not fully in, faking it again. Thanks for pushing my thinking!
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Being authentic you is the best answer. Definitely hard days in the recovery of your home life. Is this building permit hassle normal or are they tightening buildings codes and changing requirements?
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Bernie, They are tightening codes and changing requirements. Multiple times, for us and others, we’ve heard from our contractors, “i’ve never had to do this before.” More paperwork to file, back into review. Plus they have hundreds of permits requested and have not staffed up with people who know what to do, nor will they put in overtime. I found out yesterday our permit sat in someone’s in-box for 12 days and the ONLY thing they had to do was forward it to the reviewer. And the reviewer only works 2 days a week, so we missed two of his review work windows…next one is late next week. My frustration isn’t the only one… lots of my neighbors are in similar situations. One had less than 5 inches of water, but they are making them retrofit their entire first floor to 2025 codes (changing requirement for repair work). So a $5000 project (base boards and 6″ of drywall) has become a $50,000+ project. They fought it for 6 months and finally are caving; they are now in the “how high is that plus sign”. Everyone has a story… tighter interpretation of codes, incompetency of paperwork transfer, information never asked for before (of regular long term contractors in the area!). And then the towns wonder why people are giving up and selling out, and prices are dropping, so investors are buying up the land. It’s going to change the dynamic of the town. But we’re staying for now. I honestly do not know where we would move to, if we wanted to get out. Yes, its dishearteneing in many ways.
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Hi Pat, my key takeaway from this post is your statement about authenticity. I think we get into trouble when we try to force a square peg into a round hole. Just because an activity is popular (or the perceived popular kids are doing it) doesn’t mean it is a good fit. I choose activities based on my personal interests, abilities, and aptitude. P.S. For some strange reason, Mahjongg is enjoying a ‘popular’ surge right now. I have played the game for over 25 years and still find it stimulating. I agree, it is not for everyone. Pickleball has gotten a lot of older folk off the sofa, so for that reason, I applaud the game. Also, not for everyone. Tennis has been my lifelong sport of choice, and I will continue to play until I can’t. Photography is an on-again, off-again hobby that I play around with when the mood strikes. The funny thing is that my ‘circles’ rarely overlap in terms of participants. I look forward to enjoying the company of ‘casual’ friends within each of my groups. At this stage of life, I no longer yearn for close connections or a BFF. What I have is enough. Thanks for another insightful post.
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Suzanne, The concept of “enough” that I need to continue to be reminded of! I have enough. I am enough. It is enough. Maybe I need to tattoo it on my arm! (No … sorry tattoos fit into same category as Mahjong and pickleball – great for someone else.). I love the “enjoy the company of casual friends with each of the groups”… and that will be my focus (until I wander into the not enough zone again.)
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Hi Pat, I hear how much you’re longing for connection, and I understand. I’ve felt that ache too—the one that comes when friendships feel peripheral and life doesn’t quite cohere. Retirement has a way of doing that!
What I’ve learned, slowly, is that belonging doesn’t always come from people the way it used to. Sometimes it comes from the activity itself—from doing something that feels like home inside me. That’s where I feel most connected.
Friends have their own lives, their own demands. We can visit there, but we can’t live there. The steadier home is in the quiet place we build for ourselves—through the things that give us peace. I know you miss your home.
wishing you a moment this weekthat feels like home. —Judi
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Hi Pat – We live in a society that keeps reminding us that it’s not OK not to feel OK all the time. It’s this toxic positivity that I avoid. I remain true to myself when people ask me how I am doing. No sugar-coating to please others. I am still grieving the loss of my beloved and I often feel misunderstood and alone with people not understanding the grief process and wishing it away. When that happens I look for answers and support elsewhere such as my books and reading posts by Gary Roe. I find that it’s hard to form new friendships especially for women in their sixties . All my best friends have passed away and I miss them everyday. I reached out to different family members (cousins) which I haven’t seen in a long time but they don’t seem interested in enlarging their little circle. Disappointing and sad but I have to accept it. I think that you’re doing everything right. I am not one for pickle ball or mahjong either. Love to be with people but also like my solitary time. Just have to find the right balance. 🧡
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Yvonne, It’s amazing to me how many women “of a certain age” are all in the same place. And I am learning that closeness takes time, time that we might not have. An old friend pointed on that even though she has local friends (she’s lived in her new place 8 years), there’s nothing like a long shared history, someone who knew her “when”. We don’t talk that often any longer (2-3 times a year), but we still have that long shared history. But my new friends are there as well and supporting me in this recovery stage I am in.
It’s nice to know I am not the only one not joining in on the pickleball and mahjong trends!
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The “fringe” is an OK place to be. I realized that I’m really an extroverted introvert. I like my alone time. I also like joining in on the party but I’m not going to be the center ever. And that’s OK. I am not the one that wants to drink all night or every night nor really wants to go out every night. I have accepted that I am a “fringe friend”. I think differently.
Yup, pickle ball nor mahjong have really interested me either. I can’t really say why, they just don’t, so back to the “fringe” I go.
And I have been in a really terrible place lately and I don’t even have a good reason like a hurricane taking my house! I’m working on it – sorta. Sometimes, I just want to be in this terrible place- hmmmmm. I’m a little mad at the world. I only say that to say to you that it’s ok to be in some sad places sometimes. You are working hard! Keep working!!!! But be kind to yourself and allow for sad emotions, just don’t live there all the time.
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You sound like my twin but I already have one of those! 😂 I also am an extroverted introvert. I can take people, until I can’t take them anymore and I have go be alone.
I also think fringe is ok because they I don’t have to plan things or be committed to anything. I hate commitment.
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I’ve never considered myself an extroverted introvert, but I guess I am one as well. And I fully understand the “don’t want to make major commitments”. I’m finding I want to do the things I like to do… and that’s it. I’m pretty sure I’ve “earned” the right to do that at this age!
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I’m trying not to spiral down. I recall a few weeks ago thinking that I didn’t want to be “fully healed” because I liked the fact I could take a day to completely veg out or say no to something I didn’t want to do. It gave me permission. But in it all, I do want to be happy with life. And thinking about the lack of movement forward on re-building makes my tummy churn. Onto another distraction….
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That’s a pretty candle holder.
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I love shelling at the local beaches. So you ever head over to Sanibel to shell when you’re down south? That’s the primo shelling beach!
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Haha! I don’t really want to play pickleball or mahjong either! I’m not normally an anxious person but I fully understand travel anxiety. Even though I’ve planned the trip and look forward to it, the days before leaving are hard.
Fingers crossed that you get your building permit soon!
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Janis, no building permit yet, but the trip went really well. I managed through the minor glitches OK. Maybe a few more trips like this one might start to alleviate some of the travel anxiety. But it’s also nice to know a more seasoned traveller like you still gets anxious!
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Hi Pat – to be honest, I think you’re doing really well. You may not have the dream that you hold of deep friendships, but you seem to have lots of people in your life in various iterations that I’d class as quite an extensive friendship pool. Reminding yourself of who you do have in your life and allowing space for further developments as the chaos settles seems pretty healthy to me.
I’ve decided that finding new, close friendships at this stage of life is nigh-on impossible, so I’ve given up on that thought and I’m settling for who I have – it may be less than some others have, but on the whole I think a lot of us in our 60’s have less friends and “besties” than we did in our younger days….and I’m becoming okay with that and it takes the pressure off and lessens any disappointment I might feel when connections don’t happen. Hang in there and remind yourself that you’re making progress on the house – slow and steady, but it’s still progress. x
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Leanne, I’m continually reminded that I have to focus on not doing Compare & Despair, especially comparing to a fantasy! And these days, I’m also struggling with comparing to those who seem to be moving faster on house rebuild. Everyone has their own issues, all towns requirements are slightly different (stupid, I know), and it does not seem like the local government wants to help anything move faster. I just found out that our file was sitting in an inbox for 10 days and the only thing they had to do was move it to the reviewer. Seriously frustrating.
But yes, I agree with you – reminding myself of the positives is important. I do have numerous people in my life to do various things. I have things I love to do. We have a roof over our heads and eventually we will have a home again. Days are up and down… reminding myself to be grateful takes energy but I will continue to remind myself to do it.
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