My morning journal this past month too often stated, “I woke up weary and weepy.” I’m still feeling emotionally drained with too many mornings unmotivated to get out of bed. Many days I’m pushing myself to get up with a planned morning commitment (cardio drumming or a garden club meeting). Simple tasks take so much energy. I’m forgetting little things and making lots of mistakes. I’m avoiding some necessary tasks, fearing I’ll make more mistakes. I’m worried about too many things, many out of my control. Little things annoy me and rage seems to be bubbling just under the surface all the time. I’m struggling to concentrate on reading a book. I’m distracting myself with mind-numbing Facebook reels or endless crossword puzzles to simply escape the discomfort of feeling drained, feeling afraid, feeling angry at the world. And then I start feeling angry at myself for doing the distractions. Sometimes just getting through the day feels like an accomplishment and still a failure, a “not enough”. And I have to remind myself, “It’s okay to be struggling. You need to accept that many things are out of your control.”
I know I can choose to see the light, even when the shadows feel overwhelming. I am “doing the work” of emotional healing – journaling, connecting with friends, spending time in nature, seeing a therapist. I need to focus on the small positive accomplishments (and not the defeats, not the compares, not the mistakes) and some of the big milestones – the house demo is done, some traveling to new places was done, the house permit is applied for.
Why is it that the bad choices, the “didn’t-get-done” and the mistakes I made just overwhelm the good things? Why are the good things not (yet?) filling me up?
I saw these quotes recently:
A future I can’t control. A past I can’t change. Let today be enough.
Rise with intention. Greet each moment with openness and gratitude.
Let go of worries. Look to the future with hope.
Life is too short to waste on negativity.
I am working on “the enough”. I am working on accepting mistakes. I am working on letting go of things I cannot control. I’m looking at inspirational statements daily and even writing my own:
“Sometimes a setback is actually a stepping stone, an essential part of life’s path that leads towards something more rewarding. Slow down and recognize the abundance in your life right now. Have faith in the future to come, even though much of the journey there is out of your control.”
My therapist pointed out that the fact I am consciously noticing my negative inner voice pointing out the mistakes, the bad decisions, and the compare & despair moments is actually a good thing. Or at least a step in the right direction! I am recognizing them and she encouraged me to challenge them by using “but” when I hear that voice, and finish the sentence with a reality check. A recent one, “You made horrible travel plans with stupidly long layovers and crazy early morning flights, BUT you did the best you could with the travel advice you got from the travel agent.” Using a “But” is so counter-intuitive after years of being taught to use “Yes, and” for building collaboration!
I know healing is a journey. Things are getting better. This next month I will pick up a novel or two to read, I will start doing crafts, I will continue “doing the work”, and I will use the “but”.
Do you tend to focus on the negatives versus the positives? What good things do you do to “fill yourself up”?
Picture Credit: Me – Sedona (one of those new places visited!) – picture from the car as I had a severe ankle sprain on our first hike which significantly changed the trip plans.
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So glad, so proud of you to get back to traveling a bit. Sedona is truly gorgeous and I am glad you enjoyed your visit. I hope by the time the year anniversary of the hurricane rolls around, you can see some brighter future, some light at the end of this very difficult tunnel. Keep doing all the things, planning for this new sanctuary. You have come so very far. Big hugs.
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Thanks. It’s really tough to be entering the next hurricane season and still not know how long we’re still away from having our hime back. And worrying about a half-built house if a hurricane comes. Yes, there is a very small (minuscule) light at the end of the tunnel!
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I had to smile at the part about switching from “and” for collaboration to “but.” I’ve been sort of brainwashed for that as well, BUT I like hearing how it can be different for us depending on what’s going on in our lives. I will try it!
My complaints pale in comparison to all you’ve gone through. Wishing you happiness as you continue recovering from all the devastation.
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I played with the “but” some this past week and it did help in some cases. Felt uncomfortable, but (hah!) I’m going to keep trying to use it.
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I had to smile at the part about switching from “and” for collaboration to “but.” I’ve been sort of brainwashed for that as well, BUT I like hearing how it can be different for us depending on what’s going on in our lives. I will try it!
My complaints pale in comparison to all you’ve gone through. Wishing you happiness as you continue recovering from all the devastation.
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The “but” is hard for me as like you I was conditioned to not say it! Every little bit helps however as I try and modify that voice in my head.
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Drained, afraid + angry seem like honest ways to feel, considering everything… everywhere. I get it. I know that I can fall into the trap of seeing what I haven’t accomplished instead of reveling in what I have accomplished. I don’t know any way around it other than to acknowledge what I’m doing, then stop. What good things do you do to “fill yourself up”? I notice blue skies and brightly colored flowers and read a good cozy mystery and focus on enjoying a delicious meal. Small things, but delightfully distracting.
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Ally, great list. I just booked dinner with friends for tomorrow night (expect to enjoy a delicious meal!) and started reading a novel recommended to me. I also like your though if reveling in what I accomplished and they stopping…stop thinking about what didn’t occur. I’m trying to take that advice when talking about the trip we just took…. where things didn’t happen after the ankle sprain. Just focus on the good things that did occur.
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Pat, I can completely relate. It’s as if I wrote the post. Here, you have to wait at least a year to see a therapist. Fortunately you have one. You are going through a lot of stress and it’s normal to feel the way you do and it’s normal for me to feel the way I do. It’s so nice when people affirm your feelings and support you instead of seeing you as a complainer. We’re human after all and certain situations are difficult to deal with and healing takes time. I stay away from people who use toxic positivity. It’s not helpful. Do what you can and try to release the rest. Easier said than done but that’s all you can do right now. I read a book once ‘The Right To Feel Bad’. It helped me to accept myself and my feelings. Life is a lot of Ups and Downs. The Ups will come for me as well as for me. Take heart!
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Yvonne, One of the reasons I do post blogs like this it to show reality. I learn I’m not alone in the feelings, and others do as well. I also get so much support from the comments, like yours. My therapist also tells me it’s OK to feel bad and healing takes time. Patience was my WOTY and it certainly is something I have to look to develop more! So I’ll keep “doing the work” of recovery and healing and hopefully more up days than down days will be forthcoming.
P.S. OMG on waiting a year for a therapist! I had to wait 2 weeks when I decided to find one and thought that was long. [I was looking for a specialist in trauma, and she had a waiting list for incoming slots.]. Wishing you patience if you’re looking to find therapist right for you.
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Pat, I was hopeful that your travel plans would provide a positive turning point to build upon, and you would return refreshed. Who could have predicted a sprained ankle? I hope you have some positive moments to recall when you feel sorrow creeping in. Take care of yourself.
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Suzanne, I said to someone that the Universe really wanted me to just slow down and stop doing! Having to elevate and ice really does just slow you down. We did have a number of nice moments on the trip – a nice dinner with a view were we stretched it out to a 4 course meal (splitting the courses), buying a piece of art at a really nice local art gallery (I have no idea where we will put it), driving around randomly to look at scenery. Now back to FL and hoping I can get back to cardio class soon….I never realized how long an ankle sprain takes to fully heal! But, it could have been worse and it is healing!
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I’m so glad you’re seeing a therapist. It’s good to have someone objective to talk to and provide constructive advice. At the end of this will be a brand new home. Think of the fun parts of that process. Be easy on yourself. You’re handling a lot. It will get better.
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I’m looking forward to the fun parts… remind me of that statement when I start to complain about picking out everything – tile, paint colors, faucets, front door, etc. I’m going to try and celebrate milestones too – getting a permit, piling in, etc. Trying to look on the positive side!
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You speak my language of focusing on the negative and bad instead of whatever good or positive there is in a situation (IF we can find it!).
My solution has been to pray, but I know that’s MY solution and not for everyone. It blocks out the scary thoughts.
I’m sorry to hear about your ankle! I hope it’s feeling better if not now, then soon.
I hope you find some comfort in writing it out and sharing it with us as well. I know we’re all rooting for you.
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I actually do find a lot of comfort in writing it out and sharing – comfort in hearing I’m not alone, comfort in the support I hear. Writing it out is also meditative for me, finding the right words takes me into flow. I’m going to continue to look for the positives…even when they are hard to find.
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And the ankle thing stinks. Go on vacation and then can’t walk or hike.
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Especially on a vacation to a place which is known for its hiking trails! I had 4-5 hikes planned out. Ugh. It’s a bad sprain, too. Back home and still not willing to try a cardio drumming class yet – double ugh.
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Lots of ice and true elevation.
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Perhaps, and i don’t want to overstep, it’s time to see your doctor. Some of the symptoms you mention are classic signs of depression. Which would be totally understandable given the one then two wammies you’ve had alongside the other things happening all around you. Again, I hope that doesn’t offend, but sometimes it’s hard to recognize depression in ourselves.
Pat, if you wish to not hit accept and publish on the comment but would like to respond privately, you can reach me at maxic@yourlink.ca where we can have a dialogue that way.
Sending along a hug.
Bernie
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Bernie, It is no overstep at all – I appreciate the concern.
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Oh and I wanted to offer a book recommendation: Project Hail Mary by Andy Weir. It’s a heart warming story about preventing the end of the world! I don’t read sci-fi but I absolutely loved this book, so much so I ‘read’ it again by listening to the audiobook. And there’s a bonus – it’s being made into a movie with Ryan Gosling!
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I am in the middle of this book, I also do not typically read sci-fi, and am enjoying it.
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That’s the second recco I’ve had for the same book… also just in the last week. Are you listening into my conversations? (joke!). I put it on my TBR list! & might suggest at book club!
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Oh wow, now that is a funny coincidence!! This book was published in 2021 so it’s not like it’s currently on the best seller list. I hope you get a chance to read it (or listen to the audio book) 😊
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Unfortunately I think our society in general focuses predominantly on the negative so it’s no wonder it feels second nature. Just try to watch the evening news…it’s all negative! I heard/read somewhere to give your negative inner voice a name – a name you don’t particularly like (Karen, Sheila, etc – no offense to those names!). Since you’re already pretty good at noticing that voice and negative thinking – call her out on it and tell her to stop. “Ok Karen, that’s enough! You’re not helping” Not sure if it will help but hey, it’s worth a try! 😀
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Sharon, you’re the second person in the last week who mentioned naming that inner voice! Going to need to think on a name that “fits” her…yeah, it’s a her. It’ll have to be one that isn’t someone I know. I know many Karen’s and even a Shelia! Thanks for the suggestion.
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oh wow, this idea must be circulating on social media 😂 hopefully you can find a name that fits! LOL
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Oh Pat, I hear you and I can completely relate to what you’re saying. I think those of us with a well developed inner critic are even more prone to self-doubt and despair when the tough times drag on. For you this is just a horrendous time, and anyone with any sense of wanting accomplishment and desire to reach the finish line would be feeling defeated and dejected.
Please be kind to yourself and please be absolutely assured that what you’re feeling is normal for anyone who is focused and goal oriented. You will get there – it will just take a lot longer, and be a lot more painful than any of us could imagine. I’m cheering you on and you are doing so well – inch by inch my friend! x
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I am in a women’s reading group and had bee warned that it would take a while to get into it. Movie will be great!
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Leanne, thanks for the pep talk! And I know it’s one day at a time…and going to be along journey wth so much out of my control! Hard for this control-freak to deal with. This past weekend was 8 month anniversary of the hurricane…. made it hit home how long the journey is gong to be.
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