What’s in a Name? Is it Grief? Is it Trauma?

To misquote Shakespeare, what exactly do I name this thing I’m dealing with – this aftermath of my life-quake.. Is it grief and mourning for a major loss?  Is it natural disaster trauma and acute PTSD?  Is it just another major life transition?  Is it all of the above?

As I looked further into loss and grief, I found some really good insights at The Center for Loss (link here).  Then, thinking about this as trauma led me to some talks/research about trauma, trauma response, and reviewing my own previous exploration of trauma healing (link here)

The most helpful thing about this dive into natural disaster grief, or natural disaster trauma, was finding out that my feelings – both emotionally and physically – are normal!  It’s normal to feel scattered and unable to complete even the simplest of tasks. It’s normal to feel anxious or afraid. It’s normal to struggle with taking initiative. It’s normal to want to hunker down and avoid social contact. It’s normal to feel body aches. It’s normal to struggle with self-regulation.

And it was also helpful to see that the things I am doing are the “right things” to help me process the trauma/work through the loss.

After a natural disaster like a hurricane/flood, it is common to experience grief. Beyond the loss of home and belongings, you have probably also lost your sense of safety.  People and places you care about have been torn apart.  Your sense of community is gone. I feel all of that loss and worry some of the community feeling is gone forever, like many of our belongings.

Experiencing a natural disaster first-hand is also a major trauma, an intense stressor. Flight or fight stress responses go into effect. And with the continuation of that loss (experiencing again and again what’s been lost as I work through insurance and now preparing for house demo), the stress can continue.  Apparently “hurricane brain” is a real, scientifically-proven phenomenon! What can this hurricane brain feel like?  Mental fatigue – not enough brain power to deal with everything. Irritability – little things are annoying, and the bigger things, more so.  It’s hard to initiate things, to remember things (brain fog), to organize things, to not over-react to things.

Is it important to decide if it’s mourning a loss or recovering from a trauma? Maybe not! At this point, my focus is on coping and recovery, on processing and healing. In grief conversations, this is the mourning period. In trauma conversations, this is recovery. It is about moving beyond the shock, confusion, anxiety, anger, numbness, disbelief, and sadness of the disaster and the loss. It takes time, maybe weeks or months, for our minds to process the new reality of living with the shocking loss. You need to work through it – whether you talk about it as grief loss or as trauma recovery.

There are things I can do to help work through my healing process:

• Engage in all the Positivity Practices I know – yoga and breath work, loving kindness meditation, more time being (less doing, more mindfulness, more time in nature), take care of myself physically (eating, sleeping, exercising).  Balance the doing and being.
• Start an accomplishment list – however small the accomplishment – to get myself to start small steps of the recovery journey.
• Talk about the loss, write about the loss, cry about the loss.This replay is a vital part of mourning. Each time you talk it out, the event is a little more real, you become a little more accepting of the reality, a bit more reconciled to the loss.
• Be gentle with myself. Let non-critical obligations go for the time being. Let others take care of me. Don’t expect to be functioning normally. Forgive myself if I make mistakes. Treat myself often to the little things and activities that give me a lift.
• Foster hope for the future—a future in which I have rediscovered meaning and are living fully again. Even though every step feels uncertain and the destination unknown, know there is a place ahead that things will be easier again. Just keep going. One foot in front of the other. As Jelly Roll says in his current hit song, “I’m not OK, but it’s all gonna be alright”.

In practical terms this means: walk the dog daily, spend time with friends, get a regular massage, restart cardio drumming, stop doom-scrolling on social media, indulge in comfort reading, and restart my hobbies.

There will still be moments of grief – felt both emotionally and physically.  It is OK to feel deep sorrow; it’s important to allow myself to fully feel my feelings whenever they naturally arise. Something precious in my life is now gone. Allowing myself to feel the pain is a part of the journey toward healing.

I thought I’d add some ways friends CAN help (since I pointed out some what not to do’s a few posts ago – link here).

• Listen. Be an active listener. Your presence and desire to listen without judging are critical helping tools. Don’t worry so much about what you will say. Ask me how it’s going (different than how am I doing!) and be prepared to hear the bad (and hopefully the good), the confusion, and the pain. Don’t give me advice, unless I ask your opinion. Just concentrate on listening, even if it’s the story being told one more time.
• Have compassion. Give me permission to express my feelings without fear of criticism or judgment. Don’t challenge my choices in behaviors (unless they are damaging) or decisions (decisions are not easy right now). Encourage me to do the healing journey that’s right for me.
• Be there. Your ongoing and reliable presence is the most important gift you can give. While you cannot take the pain away, you can enter into it by being there. Being there can also look like doing something that feels like you are taking care of me.

It’s now been 9 weeks since our “life-quake.” We are still displaced (and will be for longer than I want to admit). There is still a lot of uncertainty, which I struggle with. But I do feel I am beginning to move into a personal recovery mode.

Picture credit: one year ago…a reminder of why we are staying.

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