I crave security. It’s one of my core values. I want to feel safe and have a sense of control over my life. It plays out in plans, to-do lists, accomplishment lists, creating routines, and staying within my comfort zone a lot. Even my career forte was strategic planning.
But as I’ve learned once again, life can change very quickly. No matter how much you try to plan and prepare for every possible outcome, life will find a way of surprising you. My feeling of security has been severely impacted with our recent hurricane losses. We now believe that our house is a “tear down” situation to meet code, meaning we need to build a new house from ground up. This was not in the retirement plans!
Beyond being a key aspect of security, shelter is also one of the basic Maslow needs. Losing our home has been a dissolution of meeting our basic needs, as well as massively disrupting our routines and utterly destroying any plans I had been making. Our everyday life patterns are gone – my regular routines and self-care regimens have all been disrupted. Since the hurricanes impacted our entire community, even my various club’s activities have been curtailed.
Add in the loss of most of our belongings – memories, mementoes, hobbies, things we loved. And there is also the not even knowing if some things have been salvaged or are truly gone – boxes & bins were packed quickly and randomly, and are stored in three different locations. It’s common for us to ask each other, “Did we save that or not?” with an honest “I don’t know” response.
Learning the process of post-disaster recovery is also a challenge. The process changes weekly and communication from our local town government has been limited and disheartening. Yes, the recovery is massive (literally thousands of houses substantively damaged), but hearing that you won’t be able to get a permit to do anything for months is heart-wrenching when all you want is some forward movement on recovery.
I’m also experiencing loss of people in my life. Some friends are simply moving away; they can’t go through potential flooding ever again. Some casual friends I’m losing because of awareness of significant value differences highlighted with the recent elections. It’s also hard to watch other friend’s lives just continuing to proceed as normal and to feel distant from them because of that.
This loss of security, routine, connections, and stuff with an inability to create a future plan because so much is out of my control has triggered massive uncertainty. I don’t know … what we still own, what we will build, how long we will be displaced, if we’ll ever get back to normal or even a semblance of the retirement lifestyle we were living.
Uncertainty drains you emotionally – I get trapped in downward spirals of “what-ifs” and second-guessing decisions made. Did I do the right things? Am I doing the right things? Crying jags come on unexpectedly as I contemplate the losses or the length of time we will be displaced.
Uncertainty hits you physically – I am experiencing high irritability, changes in appetite patterns, forgetfulness, inability to focus, nausea, chest pains, fatigue.
Being the researcher I am, I’ve explored “living with uncertainty” to find some strategies that might help. I’d like to move on from survival mode; I know I still need to grieve the losses. I’ve been told I’m resilient and strong by many! Here’s some strategies that I’m trying to implement:
- Focus on what you can control. Determine what is realistically in my control and what is realistically out of my control (a lot!). Take action over the aspects that are within my control. Acknowledge the small steps forward – I will refocus this month’s I Did It List on those little accomplishments. I can also control my attitude and emotional response! Work on patience (a challenge) and acceptance.
- Re-establish routines. Habits can give a sense of predictability and control. I need to get back to my cardio drumming and yoga classes (both stress relievers also), back to cooking dinners, back to planning activities, back to some crafting. I need to find a new structure in my day-to-day life in this new space.
- Take a break from the negative: Stop reading media stories that focus on worst-case scenarios. Stop communicating with anxious friends that fuel my own fears and uncertainties. Stop listening to “expecting the worst” mindsets. Stop the negative thoughts that conclude I’ve made mistakes – from moving to the coast of Florida, to buying this house (and not an elevated one), to not prepping enough, to not salvaging enough….and stop worrying about making a mistake on next step decisions.
- Practice mindfulness: Check in with my thoughts and feelings in the present moment, not the past or the future. Acknowledge the negative emotions (don’t force the positive, brave face), but don’t dwell on them. Breathe (yoga!). It is what it is.
- Practice self-care: Continue to eat healthy and get enough sleep. Restart exercise classes. Spend time having fun. Find the humor. Connect with nature. Make a list of healthy ways to comfort myself. Find enjoyment in the present. Yes, figure out how to enjoy this space and this time of displacement.
- Take it one day at a time: Be kind to myself – practice self-compassion, patience, acceptance, and kindness towards me. It’s OK to be in survival mode and grieving and not at my personal best at the moment! Remind myself that others think I’m resilient and strong – this is one time to believe what others think of me.
It’s been helpful to look at strategies I can take on. It’s been helpful this week to make and execute a few back-to-normal plans (dinner & theater with friends, a solo beach shelling walk, writing a blog). It’s been helpful to talk with an architect on what to build if we go the custom route ($$$). Small accomplishments, small steps forward.
This week we hit the 2-month mark of the first hurricane hitting. In some ways it feels so long ago, and in others, so short. The journey ahead has so much uncertainly, more so than any other time in my retirement! Talk about a “retirement transition!”
Picture credit – Some of my plants that survived the flood. But, will they survive the “build” – a year of construction and no irrigation system?
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Oh bless your heart. And your perseverance and struggle, and wisdom. I cannot imagine how tough this all is. But your response is something valuable to many of us who are simply dealing with despair. Please know that prayers and encouraging vibes are constantly coming your way from San Francisco.
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I appreciate the prayers and encouraging vibes… I do feel them every time I re-read the blog comments from all my blogging buddies. It really does help!
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Oh, Pat. I would be wild. I don’t know how to do life without some structure, some control over what happens when. God bless you, I am so so sorry this just continues to be such a nightmare. I have been measuring time with my broken foot. Now going on 3 months of this year spent hobbling and hurting and being unable to do the simplest things. I hate that you have to measure your life in days, weeks and months since your world was turned upside down.
Hope that you can begin to work some normal routines into your days as often as possible. Getting back to some of your creative outlets would be refreshing, I think. And returning to your physical activities is good for relieving stress, at least momentarily.
Thank you for taking time to update us. I still think of you so often but it is easy for all of us removed from the path Hurricanes Helene and Milton took to forget that you all continue to deal with this devastation daily.
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Thank you for sharing your reality with us, Pat. It’s an important reminder that behind every news story are real people suffering, struggling, and overcoming. It sounds like you are taking the steps you need to care for yourself. As a fellow list-maker with security as a strong value, I feel for you, even though I can’t imagine what you are going through. Please continue to be kind to yourself. You are truly going through something extraordinary.
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I heard a phrase today – “a normal reaction to an un-normal situation.” And so I keep reminding myself to take things one day at a time, to allow myself the feelings I am feeling, and to be kind to myself when I see I have not done the things I said I would do.
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I crave security and sameness too. I can’t imagine facing something like you are. I know of a few people leaving Florida for a few reasons, hurricanes and flooding not the least of them. Please don’t beat yourself up for having very human feelings of loss, uncertainty, and insecurity.
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I’m learning to understand the feelings and the fact they are a normal reaction to the situation. Doesn’t make feeling them easier, but at least knowing I’m normal does help. Still taking things one day at a time…sometimes one hour at a time!
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Oh Pat I’m so sorry to hear this. Having bushfires threaten our home back in 2019/2020 and do massive damage to our community I feel for you. In our case our community pulled together but it was an awful time of uncertainty for many. I hear the sadness in your words about the memories lost and dealing with all the unknowns. It’s a hard time and one of grieving as well. I wish you well with the cleanup and restructure.
Thanks for sharing your post with us at #WWWhimsy, all the best to you as you move forward.
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It’s nice to hear your community pulled together. Unfortunately, I’m not seeing the same here. We have too many houses which are not primary homes, too many people who do not have deep roots in the community, and too much government regulation creating tension. There is some kindness happening, that is for sure. But our community will be forever changed and I’m just hoping that we still love it in its new being.
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I would not handle this well either. I get stressed even with good things that are too much, so I know something this tough would get to me. Knowing me, I’d probably withdraw and be very unmotivated. I think it sounds like you’re doing OK and like you said, the key word is patience. Easy to say, hard to do. Hang in there.
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I’m also learning a lot. About insurance, local government, FEMA building codes, how people spread mis-information. I know we will be OK (eventually), but the community we live in will be forever changed. At some point we will need to decide if we can live with those changes. But that’s not short term, and I’m trying not to do that many what-if scenarios!
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I’m not a control freak but I like security too and can see how this unfortunate experience has taken that away from you. I cannot imagine how you’re coping but realize that you are. Your list of strategies seems sound and doable, but the sense of loss, both material and friendship-wise, is something difficult to get over. Take care, give yourself the gift of grace. You’ll get through this.
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Ally, I head a song on the radio yesterday. Might not get it totally right but it sounded like the refrain was, “I’m not okay but everything is gonna be alright”. I do know we will get through this …hubby has been a rock the few times I’ve totally lost it I’m focusing on the positives daily (helps!) and trying to work on patience (challenge!).
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Hi Pat – I totally understand about security being such a vital element of who you are – and the need for order and continuity. I can’t even begin to imagine what you’re going through and what the year ahead is going to be like. I’m so impressed that you’re using your research skills to direct your thoughts and to try to find a positive way through the stress and anxiety and disruption.
There’s nothing I can offer, other than to send you my deepest wishes for things to go well from here on out – for the people who control the big stuff to get their acts together so you can start the huge task of rebuilding and getting your stability back. You’ll make it through, but you’re also allowed to be absolutely gutted and a little bit lost, two months isn’t very long when it’s such a life altering event. Be kind to yourselves and take it one day at a time. xxx
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Leanne, thanks for the reminder that it OK to still feel gutted, and irritable, and lost. I so want to be moving forward, and we simply can’t…until all the “stars align” it seems. Actually, it’s building department red tape, but feels like I need stars to align and miracles to happen! Patience! I might have to find some good quotes about patience.
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Excellent blog. Thanks for sharing what it’s like. I am a control freak and require timelines to feel comfortable. (Yes, it drives me nuts that my brother doesn’t make Christmas gathering plans in September while he thinks I’m nuts for planning a week or more in advance.) I can’t image living with the uncertainty to rebuilding. Cut yourself tons of slack for “how did I get in this situation”! Last I checked, you can’t see into the future, don’t control the weather, etc. You made the move for all the right reasons. Here’s wishing you can focus on the beautiful future that is coming while not dismissing the work and stress of getting there.
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Excellent blog. Thanks for sharing what it’s like. I am a control freak and require timelines to feel comfortable. (Yes, it drives me nuts that my brother doesn’t make Christmas gathering plans in September while he thinks I’m nuts for planning a week or more in advance.) I can’t image living with the uncertainty to rebuilding. Cut yourself tons of slack for “how did I get in this situation”! Last I checked, you can’t see into the future, don’t control the weather, etc. You made the move for all the right reasons. Here’s wishing you can focus on the beautiful future that is coming while not dismissing the work and stress of getting there.
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Yes, the control freak in me is not a happy camper! Learning patience is what I’m going to be doing, for sure. We built years ago when we were recently married and we survived it, but I recall at the time I said, “Never again.” Well, many people have said, “never say never.” So, we will build again. And yes, we will survive it… but gosh, I am hoping it’s a shorter time frame than longer! Can we start the process already? Patience, patience, patience!
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