A Deep Dive Into External Validation

Self-acceptance is an area I am working on this year (link to blog on WOTY). As part of working on self-acceptance, I am very aware of my tendency to rely on external validation.  It’s also part of my perfectionism tendency. It shows up in me avoiding conflict and disagreements, often being overly accommodating, and spiraling into negativity from any sort of criticism. Recent reading on this topic has helped me understand that complete reliance on external validation leaves me trapped in self-doubt, insecurity, and resentment – it hinders self-acceptance! 

What does over-reliance on external validation feel like? How you feel about yourself (your self-esteem) is directly linked to how you believe others perceive you. Good comments (on-line or IRL) make you feel good.  Bad comments make you feel bad. A negative comment from someone, even a stranger, can send me into a negative self-hate spiral for days.

Another sign of over-reliance on external validation is that you will regularly put yourself down because you are not confident in your own accomplishments or skills. Also, you don’t feel full satisfaction with life because you feel like you’re doing “it” wrong.

Rationally I know that when self-worth is dependent on what others say, it makes no sense. They don’t see the total you. They are reacting through their own perceptions and beliefs.Yet, reliance on external validation remains a strong physiological pattern.

Where does reliance on external validation come from? Perhaps fear of abandonment or other childhood trauma? Perhaps innate perfectionism? Is it necessary to understand the root cause of reliance on validation-seeking behavior?  Maybe not, because reliance on external validation is quite common.

Our early years were all about gaining approval of parents and teachers. Achievements were praised and mistakes were criticized. Then, your work/career supported this reliance on external validation with regular performance reviews tied to raises and promotions. Apparently, for women in a male-dominated field that subtly (and sometimes not so subtly) communicated that “women are not as competent as men”, external validation can become even more ingrained, as it balances against the inherent beliefs of the organization. There is also the social conditioning of women in general – don’t self-promote (that’s unfeminine and unlikable in a woman). Psychological patterns start early and are then perpetuated with social conditioning to become deeply rooted.

So, it is natural to want approval from those around us. It’s actually vital for belonging and survival, the basic human needs. To be seen, to be heard, to be valued for who we are. But the challenge is when the reliance on external validation for self-worth comes along with minimal or no internal validation.  This seems to be my challenge.

Over-reliance or complete reliance on external validation is not good. Over-reliance on external validation in linked to fear of being judged and difficulty in hearing criticism. It is linked to inner perception of not being enough – not good enough, not accomplished enough, not doing the right things, not doing the expected things.

What are some real signs of over-reliance on external validation?

• Tendency to compare yourself to others, whether looking for a sense of superiority or finding a sense of inadequacy. I call it my “Compare & Despair” tendency.
• Mistakes are perceived as a reflection of worthless-ness.
• Being accommodating and putting other people’s needs first on a regular basis. Doing things out of obligation and not enjoyment.
• Letting other’s opinions matter and fear of disapproval. Worry about other’s reaction to things you say/do.  I worry what people will think if something I planned goes wrong, out of my control. Yes, I even worry that a blog post will garner negative feedback!
• Little things like weighing yourself every day, looking for number of followers or number of comments on blog posts, or looking for likes on social media posts.
• Having an Imposter Syndrome – feeling like a fraud in accomplishments; doubting your own capabilities. Denying it when others say you are competent, special, smart.

Over-reliance on external validation is simply feeling like I need to have someone else say what I’m doing (anything I am doing) is okay!

When your internal validation is non-existent and self-acceptance is low, the search for positive external validation can become the buffer against perceived inadequacy. I’ve noticed recently that I am avoiding external validation because I’m worried it won’t be positive! I don’t want any negative critique of my writing, my crafting, my cooking. I know I do not have mastery of any of these areas. Because of my lack of internal validation, I’m fearful that external comments will spiral me into more self-doubt! 

It’s not necessary to stop external validation completely.  Positive feedback and constructive feedback from others on what you’re doing/saying/wearing/thinking/feeling/wanting/needing is valid. It gives insight on one’s quest for belonging.  However, if it is the only source of approval, the only way to counter-act self-doubt, the only source of self-worth – that is the challenge! My challenge.

Increasing self-acceptance requires me to increase (perhaps even create!) my internal validation! Internal validation is when I recognize and appreciate my own intrinsic worth, accomplishments, qualities, and yes, even quirks. No matter how an over-reliance on external validation came to be, it’s nice to know that the brain’s neuroplasticity will allow rewiring of neural network towards more internal self-validation! Changing neural pathways requires attention to thought and time/repetition, but it’s wonderful to know I can create new pathways of internal validation.

How to cultivate my internal validation:

• Understand “My Why” for over-reliance on external validation, if possible. Release self-liming beliefs like the “I am not good enough” belief. Believe that my self-worth is not dependent on anything I do; KNOW I am inherently worthy.
• Celebrate Little Wins. Acknowledging my little accomplishments also reinforces commitment to new habits; celebration creates positive vibrations. It was nice to learn that my new monthly “I -Did-It list” is a form of self-validation.
• Practice Gratitude. “What I am grateful for” is a form of internal validation. Continue to actively stop the Compare & Despair moments and be grateful for what I do have.
• Change my self-talk. Be aware of the self-criticism, self-degradation, self-berating.  Catch myself and stop it in its tracks! Becoming more aware and shifting to self-empowerment or self-compassion in the moment is important. Many have told me I need to be kinder to myself!
• Strengthen Self-Acceptance. It is OK to self-promote. Know my strengths, remind myself of them regularly!  Re-read My Authentic Self statement more regularly! (My Authentic Self is a tool from my Retirement Transition.  It’s a positive articulation of who I am, my strengths, and my interests. I created it starting with 25 “I am” statements and refined it over time to be a more positive soul-based statement.) Continue to affirm I am living authentically – that my actions, thoughts, decisions, and behaviors are in line with my values, my interests, and my strengths.
• Shift the belief that I do not have internal validations skills! I’m developing them.

I also need to surround myself with people who appreciate what I “bring to the party”, who appreciate who I am, and who value my strengths. A good thing to consider as I work on cultivating friendships (link to friendship blog post) and think about an increase (or not) of engagement in organizations.

It’s not a one or the other. It’s not all external nor all internal. It’s a balance of feeling valued and accepted by both myself (internal validation) and others (external validation).

I am the only person who can embrace and celebrate my intrinsic value as an individual because I know my true self – my values, my strengths, my interests.  I cannot control how others perceive me, so I cannot rely on external validation!

Are you (also) overly reliant on external validation? Any other ideas to boost internal validation?

Picture: A day-trip date with hubby this week – courtyard of the Ringling Museum in Sarasota

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