In the transition into retirement, it is often said to spend time and better understand yourself to help define what your best retirement will look like. When I first retired, I spent time getting a deeper understanding of myself, and have often encouraged others to do that as well. Yet I have found myself questioning, “Do I truly know what my own true heart’s desires are?”
Recently in my blog’s comments, there have been a number of references to doing retirement your own way. I started to ask myself, “How can I find (and keep!) contentment in doing retirement my own way?” Cue Frank Sinatra – I did it My Way! In a recent blog post I talked about facing the reality versus the fantasy of friendship I’ve been conditioned to believe in. It made me wonder, what else have I been conditioned to believe I want! Do I really know what My Way of retirement is? What do I really want – what are my true heart’s desires?
(Then after really defining what I want, there is some struggle as I align the reality of my life versus what I want!)
The past full moon was the pink moon rising in Scorpio. I dabble in looking at the full moon and new moon meanings, like I dabble in many things. But it was interesting that as I was asking these questions about my real heart-desires, the full moon was about self-empowerment and becoming your authentic self. Coincidence?
A number of years ago, the idea of a bucket list was introduced to help you define your heart’s desires – the things you really, really wanted to do/accomplish before you died. I shifted the idea into a Possibilities List so it felt less like a Must Do and to not feel like I was failing when things did not happen. (here’s a link to original possibility list idea.) I look back on my Possibilities List from my early years in retirement, and I did many of the items. But as I look at the list, many items are on there because I thought I should want to do them.
Here’s a few things I’m thinking about now – are they true heart desires or not?
- Travel is in this questioning space – Is it a true desire or am I conditioned to believe travel is what you do in retirement? Yes, many in their retirement do travel. I have a number of places I would like to experience. But I have a massive dislike to many aspects of travel – the crowds if it’s a tourist-driven location, the waiting around for things, the disruption to my routines, the discomfort of uncertainty, and not feeling safe in many locations. I am trying to come to terms with not feeling less-than when every conversation seems to include the “where have you been, where are you going” questions.
- Having casual home gatherings is another in this true desire or conditioned space. When I looked for a new house, gathering space was an element of what I wanted in a house – a kitchen big enough to cook plus an outside dining area were must haves. And yet, I am embarrassed if anyone visits as our house continues to be cluttered. I have not had hardly any home gatherings. And before you say “just declutter, Pat”, please recall I am married to a hoarder. He firmly believes 1) every horizontal surface has been designed to be piled upon, 2) you need to keep everything because you do not know when you might need it, and 3) if one of something is good, 5 is even better.
- Is my vision for myself what I really want? Maybe, but then I compare it versus the reality of my life. I am not achieving the outdoorsy, athletic woman image I think I want to have because of my fear of not getting back up on kayak/SUP, and yes, I am a 63-year-old who has really never been physically fit. I am not achieving the bohemian chic beachy appearance of my dreams, as every single day I put on boring shorts, T-shirt, and flip flops while pulling my hair into a pony-tail. I recently put a flowy sari-like skirt on my Amazon wish list… should I buy it? Will I wear it if I buy it?! And then, there is my vision of healthy eating after shopping at the farmer’s market versus the reality of too many carbs and not enough veggies every single day.
I hope this does not come across as complaining! I really do want to figure out what are my true heart desires that I can work to accomplish. After almost 10 years retired, I’m questioning, do I really know myself?
How have you identified what your true heart-desires are, and not just the ones you been conditioned to believe you should have?
Picture: A calming spring sunrise.
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Pat,
I find your thoughts are resonating with me. I have recently been thinking similar thoughts about my life. I believe you know I recently moved into a new house and find myself thinking of shedding some of the things I’ve been doing in retirement including my own blog. My heart is no longer in it. I’ve had quite a following for the past 12 years, but following my husband’s death, I find myself starting anew. Along with this new start I’m asking myself what it is that I want to do going forward. Though I will continue writing the idea of having my life out on a blog is not necessarily the kind of writing I want to do.
I can also relate to your views on travel. I enjoyed going to Italy, but I don’t feel a pull to go everywhere I thought I would want to go. I may want to go back to Italy, but what I really want is to travel to certain parts of the United States.
I also find myself making friends and becoming more involved in my local community, which is what I want to continue to do. And, of course my real love is my hobby of landscaping and gardening. With my new house comes a semi-clean slate of two acres to work with.
I feel like if it doesn’t give me complete joy and isn’t my heart’s desire, I don’t need to tell myself ‘I should’ do something. This is my life and mine alone. If there’s one thing I learned from my husband’s death is to live life authentically meaning fulfilling my expectations of myself, not someone else’s expectations of me.
Warm regards,
Kathy
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I scrolled through the comments from your readers after reading your post, Pat, and I must say there’s a lot of wisdom in both — your post and their comments.
You inspired me to blog. I am moving on from my website, but I may search for another blog host that doesn’t cost as much as a website, and doesn’t require the maintenance of a website. Any ideas?
I retired at the end of 2021. It is still not halfway through 2024, and I’ve changed my retirement plans at least once or twice (or was that three times) a year. I change my mind. Changing my mind is not only fine, it’s wonderful to have a mind to change. I am not sure of everything (maybe not of anything) I want in retirement, but I am sure of one thing I don’t want (in retirement, and I’ve never wanted it in my life). I do not want to be told what I want. I think I might have something in common with you and your readers.
Take care. Please keep blogging…if you want to, that is. 🙂
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I’ve considered stopping my blog a few times… but then, I get such wonderful insights from my readers! So, I will continue, at least for now… writing also helps me solidify my own thoughts. I don’t force myself to post, even though I try to post weekly.
Interesting about changing your mind in retirement… I’ve made some significant changes too! I had a consulting LLC; I was a certified retirement life couch; we were snowbirds to Florida. All past tense. I’m guessing things will continue to change.
BTW, I’ve been pleased with WordPress as a blogging platform. My first 3-4 years, I used their “free” version; now I pay $70 a year (I think), which gives me a few perks. It has some drawbacks (ads), but definitely no maintenance worries. 🙂
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It’s so easy to get caught up in what people think you should do in retirement. That Humana commercial always makes me smile, because as they say, retirees are always depicted as doing all these unique and wonderful things. I’m sure some of them are. But I’m not and I don’t care.
I love to travel but not all the time. Tim’s sister plans to use all of her inheritance money for travel. We decided to build a new house. Neither is right or wrong; we just look at things differently. I am definitely a homebody and if it weren’t for Tim, I’d probably never leave the house!! Well, maybe not that extreme, but you know what I mean.
When you first retire, everyone always seems to assume you’re going to travel a lot. Well, I may now have the time, but I don’t have unlimited funds nor a huge desire, for all the reasons you’ve listed. I hate it when people ask me what I do all day because I know it won’t sound exciting to them. I need to come up with a great answer that’s honest and shows how happy I am.
I don’t know if I’ve ever identified my true heart’s desire. All I know is, I’m very content with my life right now and feel like I have a lot to look forward to. While I miss my dad, a huge weight has been lifted and I can utilize my freedom again.
I hope you can realize that you’ve probably already figured this all out and what you’re doing every day is what you want to do, not some fairy tale picture of what you think you should do.
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If you figure out a good answer to “what do you do all day”, please let me know. Someone asked me the other day, “what have you been up to” and I couldn’t give then a good answer. I’ve been going to my regular exercise classes, a couple of club meetings, couple of lunches out, crosswords puzzles, reading, some crafting. Good days, full days, contented days… nothing grand, no major travel planning, no epic project completed. But yeah, most days I’m doing things I want to do!
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As I read your post, it dawns on me how important spouses are to our retirement goals, plans, etc. I had always assumed that travel would be a somewhat significant part of my own retirement, but my wife is a homebody who finds it stressful. I’ve had to calibrate my own expectations about it, which fortunately has been an easier process than I expected (i.e. short trips is one way to achieve that). – Marty
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Marty, Interestingly, my spouse also finds travel extremely stressful…more so than me. I thing having to be the strong, patient, don’t get frazzled one while traveling doesn’t help me either. I like the term “calibrate expectations”. I’m looking at doing a couple of short days trips this summer!
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Hi Pat, it’s taken time for me but I’ve learned that retirement isn’t one and done — ie., what I saw for myself when I started isn’t quite all of it. Retirement is life after all, ever changing. Diigging down to discover who I really am has been challenging and multi-layered process. But the deeper I go the more I find my core, the part that’s built in, and finding that always guides best what works or feels satisfying. Life of course involves tradeoffs—I can’t have the athletic body no matter how much I value health and fitness if I’m not willing to make the trade off to do the work, but understanding that I do value it highly helps me commit. It helps me to unearth what really matters and what doesn’t matter that much. There really aren’t any “shoulds” then, just choices I decide to commit to and make the tradeoffs. I do try to listen to my feelings and what they’re telling me: often it’s that something I need is missing. But even those feelings require digging deeper: one recent experience of a friend getting the perfect niche job and my feelings of envy made me realize my autonomy now is too high a price to trade off even for a seemingly perfect job I might enjoy and instead I need to fill my needs for achievement, development, and engagement in different ways — and I mean plural. For example, I enjoy writing but realize I miss the camaraderie of a shared endeavor so I’m now looking for a volunteer gig to satisfy that. It’s all trial and error, the parts keep moving, and everyday I learn a little more about what I really value and need and enjoy. Perhaps your “shoulds” might also have a more basic need underneath them — it’s like peeling an onion sometimes! Like travel might be a need for adventure — but if the comfort tradeoffs seem too high maybe find adventure in different ways? I find there’s always something to what I’m feeling at its core.
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Judi, I love how you’re also digging deep to find ways to satisfy your needs. When you mentioned writing and desire for more camaraderie, have you looked into grant writing? I explored it with an online class but realized it was not for me.
I also think I need to re-write my story a bit. I might never have a slim athletic body, but I do yoga, cardio drumming, Zumba, & beach walking. I can get up off the floor/ground, lift and carry things in the garden, and that’s pretty darn good for a 63-yr-old body! I do mini-adventures with my tourist in own town ideas. And you’re right, things will continue to change …so there could be travel in the future. Right now, I need to focus on the enjoyment of being a homebody! Because that is what’s is calling to me at my core!
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I love the idea of appreciating what you want now. We’re so conditioned to imaging the future, it’s a big adjustment now in retirement life — a life when you can do whatever you really want — to allow ourselves that luxury of doing what it is we want. I think the bigger challenge can be knowing what it is, but when you do, I say go for it. And thank you for the idea about grant writing — I’ll look into it. I am also looking to do some volunteering for events in my local area — I love planning a good event — to have the camaraderie I’m looking for and notice you do a lot of that too! In the meantime, I say enjoy the homebody life. It can be wonderful to feel comfortable and create a beautiful environment.
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DON’T “should on me” (you). It’s not particularly easy to live that when others say we should.
We never built a big new house. I drove a car for 17y because it ran fine. I replaced it when I wanted to. If I need to replace clothing (I don’t have a lot as I don’t care), I hit thrift stores first. I don’t need designer labels nor full price. Yeah, people told me to do all those things. “We know you can afford it”.
I am one who loves travel. I was raised traveling by car to/from family in 3 states so I got the bug early. I have good friends who’ve fled the West and live near the East coast. I consider plane time a relaxing time to read (real book in hand). I can do a LOT of reading in 8 hours (from the time I sit to the time the plane arrives at the gate). 3h delay after in my seat? (yes, this happened in December), I finished 1 book and started another. I always have 2 in my backpack and more in my suitcase.
I walk. I attend cardio/weight/balance classes for full body workout. Athletic? Depends on who is calling the adjectives. I feel better than I have in nearly 10 years. I’ve dropped 50# (bad knees, sedentary life resulted in that). I will never be the svelt, skinny senior super model. AND I DON’T CARE!!! I feel great!
I’m sorry you’ve got a hoarder on your hands. I cannot imagine the conflict that creates. Any chance you can negotiate 1 “neutral zone”? A space that feels perfect for you and the lightness that fits your soul? And then 1 “hoard” zone that you don’t enter so he’s got his stuffs?
No one takes care of us like we can if we make ourselves a priority-you are worthy. Find your Zen life zones and make ’em happen. And, those zones may well change-do it!
Writing/exploring gets us down the road. And honestly, sometimes it’s easier to decide what we don’t want to arrive at what we DO want 🙂
Happy May!
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Elle – yeah, it is sometimes easier to know what we don’t want! I related to many things you pointed out. Car-wise…I bought a Jeep because I always wanted one! It rides terrible versus the luxury cars many friends have … and some of them struggle to get into it! But it makes me smile. Yeah, I’m in the best shape I’ve been in years – stronger and more flexible (but not 50 pounds lighter, but that’s because I love my carbs!). I’ve often said stop the should-ing. It’s been interesting to realize some things I thought I wanted are really “should wants.”
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Hi Pat – that was a really interesting and very self-aware post. I know I’ve battled with the idea of retirement “should” look like vs how it actually is playing out for me. I see bloggers who are constantly pushing the fitness and still being 30 idea, others who have to show every new item in their wardrobe, others who cook like queens, or who are into their hobby/career mode or whatever. They all seem to be doing it bigger and better than me – it’s a little soul crushing at times…….
But then I ask myself if I really want to be doing any of those things, and the answer is a firm “no” – I love my life and I am hugely content living it “my way” – Frank Sinatra may not be impressed with me, but I’ve decided that the second half of life is about different things than the first half. I’m planning on reading “The Second Mountain” by David Brooks because he defines this next part of life in a way that really interests me. Maybe you’d find it thought provoking???
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Leanne, I’ll be curious to hear your perspective on that book. I nodded my head with your “soul crushing” comment, and you are correct in the “firm no” also! I wish I could completely shut off my compare & despair tendency! I wish I could stay content in my life, which when I stop and look at it, is pretty amazing! It’s been helpful this past week to also stop and say “it is what it is.” But I did buy that flowy skirt and I did wear it to my book club meeting!
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