The last couple of months I had a number of posts talking about various situations I was struggling with. First, I want to express thanks to all for the heartfelt comments on those posts – perspective, insights, commiseration, virtual hugs, and advice (even if I didn’t take it, I did consider it!) The comments helped me enormously. This post will share the “so what” did I do about the situations, a nice way to wrap up 2023.
Out of the negative Compare & Despair spiral in this blog link and attempting more mindset shifting here in this link. – I have tried to become more positive in my retirement – an intentional choice. But I do think my natural outlook is more critical and negative, so these negative reactions and negative spirals will happen. I need to be even more intentional with returning to my positivity practices, my Jolts of Joy lists, and my mantras whenever the negative reactions or spirals start! I’m working on using a “you do you” mantra. A recent Self-care Sunday included a morning crafts fair (yes, I bought another pair of unique earrings!), an afternoon crafting my own things and doing crosswords, cooking one of my favorite dinners, and then chatting with a friend. It was a litany of “c” joys (I love alliteration).
From my quit or not to quit dilemma (blog link here) – I didn’t quit. I came very close, but decided to stay involved for a number of reasons. There are many women in the club I enjoy engaging with. A few of them even encouraged me to stick it out – they recognized the situation but also stated that the club needs people “like me”. I enjoy many activities of the club as well. So I’ve pulled back on what I will engage in with the micro-managing leader. I am back to being merely a “willing worker” at events I’m interested in and forgetting about the collaborative leadership role that I hoped it would be. One of the perspectives on this post was about what do I need to learn. Here the mantra I work on is, ”Don’t (over)react, let it go.” I am trying very hard not to take anything she says personally!
After my recent belonging challenge (blog link here), I have continued to be an inclusive planner of activities. I recognized that being a planner is part of my identity, my authentic self. I will plan what I want and continue to be inclusive if others want to join in. This blog post had so many comments about feeling the same sense of not belonging, sense of rejection/exclusion, and struggle to find their tribe. It is bittersweet to know I’m not alone in these feelings – disheartening, but also a feeling of not being alone (belonging!). With all the amazing insights and perspective, here is a summary of some of my aha’s:
- It’s not me – these feelings are quite common.
- I can’t control others actions. I need to not let the actions of others (their choices, their forgetfulness, their words) impact me. Basically, get a thicker skin – the “don’t overreact” to others actions/words mantra again!
- Focus on the ones who do appreciate me, and not on the ones who exclude me. I have many positive relationships and those need to be celebrated!
I also had to acknowledge that friendship formation takes time. I need to keep at it and let things happen organically. A number of people suggested that I reach out for more one-on-one connections, which I am doing.
So going forward, my self-worth will not be tied to other people’s actions (yes, probably easier said than done). I will focus on the voices/actions of appreciation, not the (intended or unintended) actions/voices of rejection/exclusion. I will focus on the good friends I do have, the people who bring positive energy to my world, and the appreciation and joy I do get planning things.
And in 2024, I will be refocusing on my positivity practices, including my new mantras.
Happy New Year to All!
Picture: Totally random – Outcome of my Full Moon Shelling days the past 3 months. Will be used in a craft workshop in January.
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Always good to read your thoughts and actions as a result of what’s been happening and how you are going. Take care!
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Pat, thanks for the update. It seems as though you have thoroughly reasoned through the issues you faced and arrived at a solution that suits you best. I am glad you chose to stay with the club even if it meant taking a back seat. Your time will come. In the meantime, developing new friendships seems like a reasonable goal.
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Thanks Suzanne. I do tend to think things through with reasoning and logic if I give myself enough time to stop over-reacting! But it was helpful to think things through at the end of the year so I could start the new year with some fresh intentions. Not resolutions, but a renewed attention to my positivity practices and intentional connections.
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While you not required to be accountable by reporting your decisions to us, your readers, Pat, I really appreciate that you do and have. As someone who also blogs and writes for other readers, I think I do, and would do, the same. The clarity with which you communicate your decisions and the sound grounds on which you make them are inspiring. My approach to life is one of gratitude and generosity. I was recently reminded that I also need to be grateful for myself and generous to myself. Hmmm. How did I miss that?
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John, It felt good to wrap things up. I received so much from all the comments that I wanted to share what I took from them. I like your comment about grateful for and generous to myself. I recently realized I needed to celebrate myself a bit more. That is one new thing I am doing this year. Not a resolution so much as a new practice. Celebrate what I do, the moments I have, who I am. Similar I guess to being grateful for being me?
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Thank you for the updates! Your outcomes are always very logical and make sense – staying in the organization because you like most of the people, continue to plan and include even if you might not be included in theirs – definitely a “you do you” attitude!
Happy 2024 and I look forward to your continued posts!
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Thanks Nancy. I’m starting the year off with positive intentions at least! It felt good to wrap things up and start the new year with a fresh focus on my positivity practices.
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Great blog. I love your intentional living attitude with positivity and letting go of those things (or people) you can’t control. It ain’t easy and I bet there will be a few times when you’ll still get your feelings hurt but keep that attitude! I’ll try to remember do the same!
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Thanks Candyse. I’m re-charging my positivity practices this new year. Not really a resolution, more a reminder. And trying to not take things so personally!
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Hi Pat – I do love how intentional you are with your approach to life, and how you put on your “big girl panties” and ante up when then challenges come – rather than letting them defeat you and withdrawing. I think the approaches you’re putting into place sound really wise and they allow you to extend yourself without being too vulnerable to others. I heard (again) the other day that making friends in adulthood is really hard – and it’s a truth a lot of us encounter. Here’s to another interesting and challenging year ahead that will be full of growth and I’m sure we’ll thrive. x
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Leanne, I know we will thrive! And grow. And face challenges. And it was interesting you pointing out my intentionality… I guess it is part of who I am! Now, to just keep focusing on executing the intentions. Turning intentions into continued actions!
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Hi Pat! You’ve done a thorough job of recapping very complex situations (as always) and it sounds like you’ve got a working plan for next year. I’m an introvert and a bit of a hermit so unless I MAKE myself say yes to offers from friends/neighbors I probably wouldn’t have any friends 🫤 At this point in life it’s probably too late for me to find a ‘ride or die’ kind of friend – that’s usually born from a lot of shared experiences. I’ll keep working toward it and I’ll keep checking in to see how you’re doing as well. Happy New Year!!!!
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Sharon, I also don’t have a friend like that (ride or die). I really miss my “hell, yeah” girlfriend – the one who would say “hell, yeah” whenever I asked, “want to try this?”. But I am trying to find satisfaction in the reality of friendships I am forming. Happy New Year to you!
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