I’ve seen references to kindness in a number of places, from it being one aspect of positive psychology to it being an element of happiness (everyday acts of kindness) to a way to aid shifting negative self-talk (Loving Kindness Meditation). So when someone suggested a book specifically about kindness, I bought it. And then it sat on my TBR (To Be Read) pile for months, as I just couldn’t bring myself to pick up any non-fiction reading! But I recently picked it up and here are my takeaways from A Year of Living Kindly by Donna Cameron.
The book itself is very repetitive and I struggled to find the “how to”. How do you become a kinder person? If you’ve followed my blog for any time now, you know I am all about the “how to”! The author does however make some very interesting points, and she uses some really great language to describe things. There are also many points consistent with other articles about living a more positive (happier, healthier, better balanced, etc.) life.
The reality of life today is that we live in a world of glaring contempt, disregard for others, name-calling, and indifference. Our culture has displayed tacit approval for boorish & rude behavior. Even you, as an individual, might be prone to snarky thoughts, moments of impatience, instances of obliviousness, being judgmental or righteously superior, or not engaging but rather being indifferent (“whatever”). I know I am! I have exhibited many of those behaviors at times.
Why is there so much unkindness/negativity? The focus in media on the crude & cruel just fosters more crude & cruel behavior. While we can’t change that as an individual, we can limit our own exposure. Also, for so many of us, our reflex response to rudeness, insult, vitriol or provocation is to respond with similar conduct!
What we want is courtesy, gracious acknowledgement, polite debate, and a sense of grace and calmness (even if it doesn’t create clicks on-line).
Kind acts are one’s that benefit others or make others happy, typically at some cost to oneself and without expectation of reciprocation. Kind people go beyond what is expected of them with honest respect (i.e. non-judgmental) and compassion for others. Kind people are not “spectators” but rather jump into situations and get involved. They offer a hand to help without wanting something in return and engage in conversations that go beyond superficiality (genuine interest). They notice things and express appreciation of others. Kind people will accept inconvenience with a smile and lots of patience.
Am I a kind person? Have I been short-tempered with a service person, sarcastic towards a telemarketer, ignored situations (not wanting to get involved), been impatient with another driver’s slowness, frustrated with an obstinate board member, rolled my eyes at a know-it all acquaintance, or had judgmental thoughts? Yes. I thought the author’s comment about even having judgmental thoughts versus kind thoughts was interesting: silent criticism reinforces a habit of negativity.
So where is the “How to” be a kinder person? Here are a few of the elements I managed to pull out:
- Practice a Pause before (Re)acting. Give others the benefit of doubt; think, “they didn’t mean it, it wasn’t their intent” instead of reacting with the same behavior back. Ask yourself, “Am I made better by judging them?” And that answer is “no!” – so suspend judgment. Sometimes the best response is to say nothing/do nothing. It’s about Compassion over condemnation.
- Pay Attention. Slow down, notice things. Shift apathy to engagement. Express appreciation for little things. Practice Patience. Have time for chitchat (listen with interest) and tolerance of slow drivers. There is enough time!
- Practice Gratitude. Have a sense of Abundance – we have enough, we are enough.
- Be Kind to Yourself. Know your own satisfaction triggers (I call them Glimmers – link to my blog on this topic), self-care activators, and small indulgences (I call them Jolts of Joy). Shift away from negative self-talk (self criticism). Know where your boundaries are and forgive yourself since self-recriminations serve no one. (Link to my own blog of forgiveness & boundaries).
Reading this book made me realize while I am seldom an unkind person, I am also not often a kind person. The author was clear that there is a huge chasm between kind and unkind. While there are inconsiderate people, boorish rude behaviors, everyday curmudgeons, and entitlement mindsets in the world, most people fall in the middle ground along the kindness continuum and could be kinder. Pausing before (re)acting and being less judgmental are both definite growth areas for me!
With this new insight into kindness, how kind are you?
Picture credit – my latest whimsical yard art.
Copyright © 2023 retirementtransition.blog – All rights reserved.
retirementtransition 
Hi, Pat, thanks for your kind comments about my book, and thanks for following my blog! I’m looking forward to getting to know you through your posts. Wishing you the best.
LikeLike
Donna, Wonderful to “meet you” and thanks for following my blog as well. I didn’t realize you had a blog until one of my readers mentioned it. Now I’ll be getting to know you better as well.
LikeLike
Your statement regarding the chasm between being kind and unkind really made me think, Pat. I can truthfully say I am seldom unkind, but not always actively kind. I am getting better at it, though, by doing many of the things you pointed out in this post. Thank you for the reminder.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Christie, The chasm idea obviously resonated with me as it made it into my summary! I too am seldom unkind, but not often actively kind. I also really love the idea about silent criticism and am finding that awareness is mind-opening!
LikeLike
I do well at 1, 2,3, and suck at 4. Why are humans like that? As I’ve mentioned before, I do 3 gratitudes at bedtime, stop at sunset to settle and enjoy, and am very often kind to others. I just need to practice more self-love and let go of my mistakes. I suspect, from reading here for a few years, you are kind. You are so self-aware and work to better yourself all the time. My impression is that, for you, being unkind would feel very wrong.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Bernie, And that was a very kind thing to say! Part of my working to better myself has been to accept that self-love is not selfish, which is still an uphill battle at times. Letting go of mistakes – another major challenge. Someone told me the other day to “rewrite the story” about my “mistake” from the other person’s viewpoint completely, including the other person’s challenges in the moment. I am going to try that with a couple of the one’s I’m having trouble letting go.
LikeLike
Rewrite the story of the mistake….hm let me ponder that. I do try to see these moments through a magnifying glass of the 90% positives in my life and not the 10% negative. Darling Lang wrote a book called “focus on the 90” which I think you would really enjoy.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I love Donna’s point of view and her blog. She makes you think and contemplate who you really are at heart. My conclusion: I am kind, but not always nice. There is a difference which I’ve come to respect within me.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I didn’t realize she had a blog, but I’m now following it. Thanks for letting me know about it! For me, I’m usually nice, but not always kind. It’s interesting how different people are!
LikeLiked by 1 person
I feel like this is the one area that I have gotten better in after retirement, mostly because I don’t feel like I’m always in a hurry any more so I have time to slow down and pay attention. I also read a thin little book called, Holy Moments, by Matthew Kelly. I actually received it in the mail and have no clue who sent it to me. I read it and the gist is that one small act of kindness may really be a Holy Moment that may ripple incredibly far. And for me if it doesn’t ripple too far, at least maybe I made one person’s life a little happier if even for a second or so. I ordered 6 more copies (they sent to me free) and I’m trying to remember to take them and give them to people I think might read and appreciate it. I’ve only given out two copies so far.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I had someone tell me about Holy Moments and I ordered the 6 free copies but it is still sitting in my TBR (to be read) pile! I am going to need to move it to the top of the pile!
LikeLike
I struggle with impatience! with myself and others. I’ve been getting better with a deep breath and an internal “relax”. We’re on vacation at an upstate NY older resort and yeah, everything’s not perfect but we’re ok with it! We even had to move to another cabin across the lot yesterday because our toilet was having issues and they found a bad pipe below. They called while we were on the boat and we just said “hey! No problem, we understand this stuff happens”.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I have a couple of people who are always saying “it is what it is” in acceptance. I have a hard time with too high expectations too often! Yeah, stuff happens, but I also want folks to respond with efficiency and effectiveness!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Hi Pat – I like the idea that there is a continuum line for kindness. I know that I try to be kind (and it’s easier now I’m older and less stressed – and deal with less difficult people day to day). I think my work experience taught me to be superficially kind and pleasant towards others, but genuine, soul deep kindness is one of those special qualities that I’d love to have more of.
One thing I have noticed is that people who ask these kinds of questions about themselves have a much better self-awareness than those who blithely think they’re kind, or empathetic, or whatever…..but really have no understanding of what this looks like when it comes from a genuine place.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Leanne, Great insight about if you’re asking the questions, you’re more aware. I am noticing more when I am leaning towards being unkind. That judgmental, high expectations side of me can be quite nasty. I keep coming back to the “silent criticism reinforces negativity” idea and try to stop even the negative thoughts, but that is hard to do!
LikeLike