Has the meaning of RSVP changed?

~ patwdoyle11

I’ve been wondering lately, has RSVP etiquette become obsolete? Am I becoming one of those people who can’t adjust to the new ways of doing things? Am I starting to be one of those people who talks about the “good old days”?

I’ve noted many instances where RSVP etiquette has been ignored. Here’s a couple recently:

  • I attended a luncheon where they had 30 positive RSVP’s and only 9 people showed up.  The restaurant had reserved 30 places and the wait-staff lost out on tips for 2 hours on those reserved and not used spaces.  Even the luncheon coordinator didn’t show up! The restaurant kept asking those of us who were there what was going on and we had no idea.
  • Another luncheon I attended had 10 positive RSVPs and 14 people showed up.  We scrunched into the space but it was physically uncomfortable (literally tight, bumping elbows to eat).
  • Two instances I’ve seen on a FB meet-up group where someone set up an event (including all the logistics and snacks), expected 6-8 people (positive RSVPs), and then no one showed up.
  • When hosting my book club, I had 3 folks show up who had not said, “Yes, I’ll be there” although I had asked (via email) so I would have enough seats set up, wine glasses out, etc.

One of my clubs wants me to run a craft workshop and I’m concerned about numbers.  I need to buy materials.  If I buy for 15 and 4 people show up, I’m out quite a bit of money.  If I buy for 10 and 15 show up, there will not be enough materials. If I use a pre-sign-up sheet, will that even matter in a world where RSVP etiquette is dead?

So I’m wondering, is the proper etiquette of RSVP dead?  When did this happen and why? Are there guidelines to help? Google to the rescue!

Based on timing of articles I found on the topic, the etiquette of proper RSVP has been in decline for a long time.  There are two main issues: people don’t RSVP and then show up (surprise!) or people RSVP yes and don’t go (wasted effort, food, and often money).

Most articles involved wedding RSVP, but some were about informal gatherings. There was a balance of teaching proper etiquette and how to manage when you really do need an accurate head-count, like a wedding with high cost per person. If someone had proper etiquette, they probably wouldn’t be searching for info, so I felt those articles were useless. [Oh, proper etiquette is do a timely RSVP and stick to your response.] Managing the bad etiquette of no response involved follow-up by the host/hostess including text message and phone calls. Tracking down if people will come (poor behavior of others) puts another to-do on the host/hostess! 

A couple of suggestions from the FB event group, which apparently has an on-going issue of people saying yes and then not showing up, was to send reminders – two days before, day before, and 2 hours before.  Again, the assumption is the host/hostess is responsible for poor behavior of others.

Intriguingly, there was some discussion on why this happens. Some possible whys: social anxiety on the day of the event, not putting the event on your calendar (forgetfulness), not making the transfer from a FB event post to your personal calendar (it is too easy to click “going” on an invite whether one is actually planning on going or not!), or simply having something more exciting pop up.  Yes, folks have emergencies or get sick at the last minute, but communication to the host/hostess is respectful.

There were some other random (sarcastic?) tips: Be prepared for a guest yield of anywhere from 25 percent to 125 percent. Shorten your guest list to people you trust to show up. Stop planning events at all.

Personally, for my friends group activities, I have started to send out a reminder text a couple of days before the event.  My invites are usually done via email, and I’m only getting about 75% responses from my Fun Tribe (yes, disappointing!). I send two texts as reminders – one to folks who did a positive RSVP, and one to folks I had no RSVP from.  It definitely adds more to the logistics of planning events. Plus, if I say I’m going to an event, I go or let the host/hostess know.

Do you have any other suggestions for improving bad RSVP etiquette?

Picture credit: back to normal post hurricane – beach walk picture

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Published by patwdoyle11

Life is a series of transitions and my blog captures my retirement transition journey.

38 thoughts on “Has the meaning of RSVP changed?”

  1. That is frustrating, Pat. All of those reasons you mentioned for not showing up after RSVPing could be understandable on rare occasions, but for some people, I’m afraid it’s habit; they just don’t even consider the effect they are having on other people. I think the text reminder the day before and collecting money upfront are helpful, even if they do require extra effort.

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  2. I do think access to social media & digital calendars are part of the problem. I’ve always said that with all the technology, there are just more ways not to communicate. I’ve hosted house concerts with invitation by group email. On the occasions when RSVP attendance was low, I’d make phone calls. I was always amazed at how many people would respond with surprise; they had forgotten about it. My suggestion, person-to-person contact by phone.

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    1. I’ve been adding into my planning to send text reminders and that seems to have helped with my gatherings. I’ve now noticed a few other folks doing that. Don’t people have calendars anymore? That’s how I remember things… I now put “send text reminder” on my calendar!

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  3. I’m happy to say that I haven’t experienced much of this. We send out notices and reminders for our book club and pretty much everyone shows up who said they would. There is one flake but we just account for her: if she shows, fine, if not, oh well. I keep a paper calendar and look at it often so I can remind myself of appointments/commitments I’ve made. I don’t think I’d have much patience for habitual no-shows, especially if I put in effort to put an event together. I agree with those who suggested requiring advance payment when money has been spent.

    Don’t be shy calling people out, though. If they don’t show after saying yes, I think you have every right to contact them and ask why. Set clear expectations and communicate them.

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    1. I also use a calendar. I’ve started to put “send text reminder” on my own calendar to remind others about my gatherings. The last few times that has really worked well. And I am dropping habitual no-response or no-show off the invite lists. And pulling back from some of the FB Meet-up activities which really are lots of no-shows. Still not 100% sure how I’m going to manage the club workshop though!

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  4. Non-RSVP-ing is a pet peeve of mine. If someone goes to the trouble of hosting an event or making an effort to include you, why shouldn’t you respond? I also don’t like the regrets only option, or sending invites only via Facebook. I have 1friend who always uses FB invites for major events such as bridal or baby showers-then she wonders why people don’t RSVP. Because we have better things to do than to be on FB 24-7! I guess that’s the other side of the coin-but I much prefer an email or text with a definite “please RSVP by” date.

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    1. Beth, I’m going to start adding the “please let me know by” aspect!

      I actually had one person ask why I did invites via email and not FB. I have a number of friends who do not look at FB at all! I have a friend who does invites via group text – and personally hate that. I’m not sure what is a good way to invite these days!

      Some of my event plans are gatherings to do things together – often I need to buy groups of tickets so we sit together. I’ve been lucky with that aspect of response because I do double check before I lay out money. It’s the events where it’s food/wine, craft materials, or logistics (time planning) that’s more challenging. And yes, if someone invites you (not the FB invite the world, but a personal invite), you should respond if you are going and then stick to that yes response.

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  6. Pat, I can tell by the responses that this is a hot topic. For the longest time, I thought it was a ‘forgetful, busy retiree’ thing, but after years of trying to figure it out, I think it’s pretty simple. People don’t value relationships enough to use good manners. I have noticed that the degree of connection either to the host or to the subject, i.e. book club, (I loved that book!) craft glass, (I’d want to learn that!) etc. dictates responses. No one wants to offend a good friend, but it is all too easy to blow off someone, or something that one is not invested in, especially when there are no social repercussions. My Women’s club now requests checks up front for most things, with no refunds unless someone died! Book club has signup, including food/wine and if you don’t show, you still need to provide. Figuring out human behaviors is like trying to herd cats. Good luck. Great topic. The comments have been entertaining too.

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    1. Suzanne, Yes, a much hotter topic than I expected! I agree with the degree of connection aspect. I hosted two FB Meet-up events (shelling walks at a local beach). The first I didn’t know anybody and had a 50% turn-out. Second one I knew more than half of the “yes” responders and had 80% turn out.

      The lack of response on my book-club members or Fun Friends group is more worrisome to me as there is a social connection. I’ve mentioned to people however my new “rule” – if I invite you three times and get NO response, you are off my Fun Friends invite list. Hey, I’m happy with a “no, can’t make that” or even “no, not interested in that type of event”. But nothing in return is rude. [And no-show after a yes would be even worse.]

      I’m still debating how to “manage” late cancellations. Our planned event last Saturday (luckily no money investment) shifted from 8 people to 2 people (me & hubby) in the last 48 hours before the event. Two couple’s had something better come up! Just realized our Friday night event had similar late cancels. (Shuffleboard evening went from 12 people to 9 on the day of the event.) Since there was no money outlay, people felt OK with a late cancel – everyone did let me know, so I’m trying to just realize, life happens.

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  7. If you’re hosting a craft event, who pays for the materials? If each person does, have them venmo the fee in advance. Then if they don’t show up, it’s their loss. I wouldn’t expect communication in the event of an emergency. In a case like that, which should be rare, it would be understandable to forget an event. In our Pickleball league, if you don’t show up and don’t get a sub, you are out of the league – even if it’s the first offense. Good luck!

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    1. Betty, Thanks for the ideas. The way the clubs here do things on these workshops is you pay if you show up. I did one club event, expected 8-10 people and had 4 show up. Luckily, that club did reimburse me for materials for 10 people. (The event I’m now planning is a different club, and not sure at all their dynamics.) The “out of league” penalty even on first offense is “wow”! But if you know, you’ll probably will manage your time better.

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  8. This has become so common and it’s rude. Plain and simple rude. Why do people say yes if they don’t care enough to make a point of remembering? And I really don’t understand those who show up without letting you know. Waiting for a better offer? I even experience a little of this with my seven member book club. It’s frustrating.

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    1. I think it’s cathartic to vent about it a bit. I wonder if book club folks think, “she’ll know I’m coming”. Or else, like one of my book-club ladies, she’s simply a flake (she really is). But my goal now is to make sure I do not become the no-show, or surprise show-up.

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      1. Yes, the important thing is to make sure I am following through on my commitments. Believe me, there are times when I wish I hadn’t said I would attend something, but I always go. And actually end up having a good time!!

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  9. I think that’s a reflection of the society in which we live. Respect and consideration for others are out the window. I don’t have an answer for you, but I know what I would do. No more invitations! You might think that’s a bit drastic and not something that you would like to do but that’s my take on it. Ah ‘the good old days’

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    1. Yvonne, I thought it might be “the good old days” until I saw google articles on the same topic from 20 years ago. I’m still going to plan things. Luckily, my hubby is willing most times to still do things when the plan reduces to just 2 of us. Or I’ve gone solo to a few things when everyone else bailed out on the planned event. And trying very hard to not be the “no-show” person!

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  10. Let me start by saying it has been me (grammar? Me or I) who (more grammar! who or whom) has been a very poor invitee and replied “yes” and then forgot! And I just hated it!!!! I have no good excuse and I’d like to think it has only happened a time or so and I was extremely apologetic for said slip on my part. I intend to try to never let it happen again!
    Now for those who seem to do it blatantly, I wish I knew! I have experienced the same situation and I got the feeling that those that say “yes” and no show and those that don’t reply and show up anyway seemed completely nonplused by their choices. Only I (or you) as the hostess seemed concerned – of course because we are the ones that are affected!
    But I only reiterate the situation. To diagnosis the problem and solve the problem is a whole other issue for which I have no cure. I agree with Theunretired that I think people are so busy and it is so easy to reply “yes” and forget to put it on your calendar. And there is so much to choose from these days. However none of that is a good excuse for rudeness. Choose, say “yes”, put it on your calendar and show up! Or reply “no” preferably with a sweet “thank you for the invite” and don’t show up! And if something happens, like an emergency not just another event that sounds better, give the host a heads up. Good etiquette is good etiquette, period, said, done and over.
    I would like to ask you to keep planning, please. Us non planners need you! Don’t let ’em get you down!

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    1. I chuckled about they in fact they seem nonplussed by the idea. You are right. And my guess is anyone who’s responding here is not one of those people!

      I know when I miss something (forgetting to put it on my calendar), I feel horrible (like you said you do). I’m trying to not let that happen, and showing up when/where I said I would.

      And yes, I’m still planning events. Tim has grumbled a few times when he’s the only one going with me as people bail (last Saturday’s planned event – a couple had better things show up and someone else got sick – we went from a group of 8 to 2) or I’ve gone solo. But I’m still planning. You can’t take the planner out of this girl!

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  11. Excellent question for which I have no real answer. I know I’m polite and timely with my reply to any RSVP but I also realize I may be less busy and more old-school than most. I wonder if adding “regrets only” gets a more accurate count of who’ll show up? I see that on invitations sometimes.

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    1. Ally, Interesting about the “regrets only” idea. I guess the assumption is no response will then show up, but I’ve seen so many active “yes” & then no-show, I’m not sure if that will improve things. I’m old-school as well….and trying to not say yes unless I’m confident I’m going to go. I’ve had a number of folks who said yes and then bailed last minute when they had “better offers”. Life does get busy for some folks.

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  12. Hi Pat – this used to be a younger generation thing where an invite was accepted on the understanding that they’d be a no-show if they “got a better offer”. Now it’s endemic of all ages. My husband is a family counsellor and he started sending text reminders when his clients kept forgetting (all doctors/dentists etc do this now) and he finds that even with a reminder sent the day before, there are still those who don’t turn up and some who just disappear – not sure if it’s from embarasment or ignorance – neither is acceptable in my opinion! It’s a crazy world and I still think it’s rude to not RSVP or to pull out without a VERY good reason.

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    2. Leanne, I know my doctor/dentist offices began doing the day-before reminders awhile back. Most of mine also have a no-show penalty. I think a lot of what I’m seeing these days is the easy-to-check “going” on an invite without then putting it on your personal calendar. Right now, I’m starting to get lots of invites as the local season kicked off (social season here is Oct – April!) so I’m having to focus on where I say yes and not then become a no-show myself!

      Hope you are reading this with a new hip in place! And that recovery goes well.

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  13. I’m experiencing this all the time at present with in-demand gym classes. People sign up as soon as booking opens a week before, presumably on the basis they might fancy it if nothing better comes along and had better reserve a place, just in case. Then a quarter cancel the night before and another quarter just fail to turn up leaving the class half full and people who would have gone deprived of a place. Management have been trying all kinds of tactics to prevent the situation but text and email reminders plus a penalty system for booking other classes seem to be having limited effect.

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    2. My Garden Club just instituted a sign up because of limited materials for classes – only so many pots and plants are bought. It will be interesting to see if folks show up when they’ve taken a spot. There’s no incentive to not “sign up and then no-show”. I guess I’m a believer in rewarding good behavior and penalizing bad behavior.

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  14. Sadly it’s not like we can blame in on “young” folks that weren’t raised properly. Happens all the time with retired folks my age who definitely should know better. I do have a facebook page for my Cinci knitting group AND I send a text to remind a week ahead. So many people have stopped using Facebook that it is no longer a good scheduling means. Fortunately since we just meet at Panera, there’s no over/under prep of snacks, drinks, and house cleaning.

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    1. I’m struggling to know how to engage with inviting folks these days. I get FB is not a good device – although I know folks are still using it. I’ve tried email and that hasn’t worked 100% either! I’ve seen group texts – which I hate. 20 people on a text message response is crazy! It’s interesting to hear other’s experience with the same issue. Interesting that you meet at Panera for knitting group…. I’m wondering if I should recommend that to one of my book clubs – we often have an “issue” with where to meet as we are quite spread out.

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  15. What you’ve reported is horrible!!! To me, RSVPing is a matter of common courtesy. I don’t care if I’m considered old school or not. How is someone to plan for a successful event without knowing the head count?? Regarding workshops, I have several friends that conduct them and some request a deposit up front or are very clear that those who sign up are expected to pay for supplies purchased on their behalf. Likewise, I have signed up for events under these terms because I totally get it – the host is investing time and money. Personally, I don’t use FaceBook or a social media to invite people because I think it’s just too easy to say “yes” and not follow through. There’s really no excuse, in my opinion, for not following RSVP etiquette.

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    1. Tracey, good suggestion on the pay up front. I’m going to see if I can swing that with the club. Or the club president might be willing to have the club make up any difference – I did mention to her my concern about buying stuff and then no-shows. I know one foodie group which requires a $10 deposit to hold your spot – if you show up, you get the $10 back to help pay for your meal. If you don’t show, no refund. So may work-arounds for people’s lack of respect. And yeah – you are so right – it is too easy to say yes and not follow-through on social media.

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  16. I’ve given up resurrecting manners. I just send reminders, thank those who behave decently and try to be exquisitely correct myself. But I share your frustration! Thanks for calling out the rude folks.

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    1. Fran, I’ve gotten comments from folks who normally don’t comment, so I think I hit a nerve here! Many folks have felt the sting of lack of manners it seems. I am now planning on reminder notes and trying to be sure I don’t fall into the rudeness! I like your term “exquisitely correct”…it is my new aspiration.

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  17. Too many emails and texts
    Too busy .. busy is the new status symbol
    Too many calendars on phone. Pick on calendar and stick to it
    Too easy to schedule events these days.
    Pick the things you really want to attend
    I attend zoom meetings when I get a reminder 1 hour before.
    Ann

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    1. Ann, I think busy has been the status symbol for a while! I’m refusing to use the word anymore because for me it comes with a feeling of bing out of control. I like to be in control of my life, as much as I can be! I also believe it’s about choice. I choose to be respectful when I RSVP. 🙂

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