As I continue doing the work of improving my emotional regulation (blog links here and here for earlier discussions), I find myself drawn to articles that begin to repeat messages. Here’s some insights from these messages the past few weeks:
A Sense of Obligation? Recognizing if “you are doing something because you want to or because it feels like an obligation” was a repeated message the past few weeks. Is it an enjoyable task or a dreaded (stress-inducing) obligation? Service to others is supposed to come from the heart, not from obligation. Doing something from a sense of obligation can lead to resentment if it’s not appreciated. There is also the recognition that if I don’t do the “duty” or say no to a request, there is a voice in my head screaming that I am being a bad person (not being a good girl).
Consciously choosing to do something can help shift the dread of a must-do obligation. Recognizing that reducing stress-inducing obligations (including stopping self-induced expectations to be the valued go-to person) does not make me a bad person. Creating the belief that, “you do what you can, however much or little that may be”, is good enough. I do not need to be the one always setting up and taking down, the one who will step up every time. I will not feel guilty for not doing, nor insulted (not feeling valued) when I am no longer asked to do something.
The Pause is still a work in progress. I have done a number of things to increase my emotional regulation and decrease my over-reacting. My learning curve is steep on how to stop reacting (feeling unworthy, not good enough) around perceived criticism. I saw this phrase on using The Pause & Take A Breath approach: “after gasping in disbelief to the inappropriateness and inaccuracy of the (criticism) statement”. It made me smile and I need to use that gasp as the in-breath of The Pause!
Awareness is still the first step. I am still working on “I do not need to earn approval from others” as it was pointed out that my perception of criticism might be tied to that as well. I am still hypervigilant for signs of being not valued, often interpreting neutral behavior as rejection or a comment as criticism. I recognized that a recent meeting situation drained me – I was staying so alert (don’t react), I was actually not being my true self. Giving myself recovery time after that (to alleviate the feeling of being both drained and overwhelmed) was important. I need to think on how to shift that hypervigilance and return to my authentic self.
I am also continuing to work on detachment because I cannot control someone else! Recognizing that another person will never change is something that is stated so often in self-help articles of all kinds, and often hard to accept. This insight was recently added to with some specifics that help my own situation: Do not try to reason with them; they are determined to be sure you are never right or good enough, even if they have to lie, lie, lie. Ignoring their worst behavior is essential. They will never apologize (that’s acknowledging you are right, which they won’t do). Do not let them get a rise out of you. (Back to that gasp!) And when someone’s presence quietly drains you versus lifting you up, you need to minimize being in their presence, minimize your engagement with them.
My group discussion on Resilience (part of my emotional recovery therapy) has helped me see that when I surround myself with people who reinforce each other’s worthiness by loving and accepting and reminding each person that they are valuable and enough exactly as they are makes a difference in how I see myself. Yes, it still is external validation. But I am coming to believe more strongly that I am enough.
I am being more accepting of who I am. I am recognizing I bring value to the clubs/groups I engage with. I am accepting that not planning anything right now (when I have no headspace for it) is OK. That if I am not successful at emotional regulation, I am working on it. That spending an afternoon “doing nothing” or pursuing a hobby with no monetary value is not deemed a waste of time.
It’s encouraging to have progress on both my emotional recovery and the physical house recovery. The house framing is complete (living room in picture); hopefully roof dry-in this week.
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retirementtransition 
Hi Pat – your house is certainly taking shape (look at that view!) and maybe it’s a physical metaphor of what’s happening in your own life in the process? Tearing down, and then rebuilding into a more bespoke version will always take time and effort. You can’t shortcut the process, but you can make intentional choices as to where you invest your time and energy. I think you’re doing really well with the house and yourself. 🙂
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